Previously on the Best and Worst of WWE Raw: Big Show and Braun Strowman brought down the house (and the ring) in the main event. Maryse attacked Dean Ambrose with a microphone, Titus O’Neil wants the other black guy who’ll talk to him to join the Titus Brand, and Kalisto literally got thrown into the garbage.
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And now, the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for April 24, 2017.
Worst: 20 Minutes Of Nothing
An average episode of Seinfeld lasted about 22 minutes. That included the establishment of a large universe of characters, jokes that progressed from a beginning through a middle to an end, callbacks, references, memorable moments and payoffs. You’d get an entire story, and feel satisfied for having watched.
It takes Raw 20 minutes to start their show.
It’s 20 minutes into the opening segment when Dean Ambrose finally hits Dirty Deeds on The Miz, which isn’t exactly a rare payoff. We’ve seen it a few times. We saw most of this last week, with Ambrose showing up on Miz TV and trying to Dirty Deeds him.
Very little of this is happening for a reason — the point is to set up Ambrose and Jericho vs. Miz and a mystery partner which, again, was more or less set up already — and it takes forever. Which is a shame, because I’ve mostly really enjoyed the Raws since WrestleMania. Even at their worst, they felt like “bad storytelling” or “bad booking decisions” or whatever rather than “filler.” This feels like they told these guys they had to kill a quarter hour, but make sure they didn’t mess with any of the stories. It’s like the Brewster’s Millions gambit of wrestling segments.
Best: Acknowledging History!
Despite the segment featuring three of WWE’s worst characters:
- Babyface Chris Jericho coming up with dorky nicknames for people and saying things like someone looks like the child of “the hunchback of Notre Dame and Grumpy Cat”
- TV show host Miz who is just there to yell obvious things at people until they beat him up and he instantly, helplessly dies
- Dean Ambrose
I’m going to give them a Best for the (far too rare) acknowledgment of history and previous character relationships. Dean Ambrose remembers that he and Chris Jericho haven’t ever gotten along, including that time Jericho murdered a sentient house plant and the time Ambrose wore and then destroyed Jericho’s Lite Brite jacket. They’re tagging tonight, so a simple acknowledgment of “hey, I know we kinda hate each other, but time has passed and we’re on the same side now, so let’s try to get along” goes a long way. I’m always complaining that WWE doesn’t show their work, so I’m glad they made the effort here.
I’ll also show them some love for the backstage followup, in which Ambrose leverages his gift of a jacket with Christmas lights all over it to get off The List. Jericho’s walking a fine line between pandering babyface and “guy who does all the heel stuff we liked, except we get to cheer him now,” and obviously I hate one with the passionate fire of a thousand burning suns and am okay with the other with the passionate fire of like, a really nice desk lamp, so we’re good. I loved the callbacks to the “69 tacks,” Ambrose’s lie that the Ambrose Asylum was “really cool,” and the mention that you can’t unmake The List because he writes it in pen.
Good stuff. All it needed was Lenny Lane showing up and returning Jericho’s Loverboy tape.
Best If This Goes Where I Want It To: The Code Of Hardy Honor
At Payback, The Hardy Boyz (who should seriously just be “The Hardys” like they were in the late 2000s) defend the Raw Tag Team Championship against Cesaro and Sheamus (who still need a team name). Last week, Jeff Hardy pinned Cesaro. Sheamus got upset about it, but Cesaro calmed him down and they shook hands with the Hardys. The Hardys were kinda nervous about it. This week, Matt Hardy pins Sheamus. Cesaro gets upset, but Sheamus calms him down and they shake hands with the Hardys. The Hardys were kinda nervous about it.
It’s the most obvious analysis in the world, probably, but I’m going to give this the Best of the Bests if it leads to Sheamus and Cesaro absolutely flipping the hell out on the Hardys at Payback, destroying them, throwing them through some shit and claiming the tag titles. I want full-on heel pals Sheamus and Cesaro, preferably with a team name, preferably looking like a leveled-up Ascension or Road Warriors instead of the neener-neener frenemies in kilts and Hot Cops clothes. If you need a reason to “break” the Hardys, let’s do the the breaking there.
Best: Kalisto Joins The Snake Tribe
Next week he should confront Gran Metalik in the men’s room and attack him with nunchucks.
Fun note: I love that Kalisto’s promos are the new Sin Cara’s matches, where you kinda dread them but you’re also excited to see how he fucks up this week. I AM A MAN, KURT! I AM NO GARBAGE!
Best/Worst: Into The Dumpster
Here’s the problem with the dumpster match. It’s not a dumpster match.
The previous “dumpster match” idea is that it’s just a like a casket match, with a dumpster. You put your opponent in the box and close the lid. If you don’t remember the previous match, go watch it here.
On Raw, instead of doing that match, the stipulation was that if you interacted with the dumpster AT ALL, you lost the match. Braun Strowman loses because Kalisto kicked him in his legs while he was on the apron and made him stand in a dumpster. Dude’s like, balls deep. By removing the “having to hurt someone to get them in the box” aspect of the match, they killed any of the drama. They could’ve called it a “don’t stand in the corner” match and if you get whipped into the corner, you lose. Like, what does someone gain from winning a don’t stand in the corner match?
What sucks to me is that it could’ve gone one of two ways:
- The way it should’ve gone, with Braun just running and grabbing Kalisto and lobbing him across the entire ring, over the top rope and into the dumpster with the lid slamming shut on impact. Strowman flipped an ambulance two weeks ago and destroyed the ring last week. Come on.
- The way it could’ve gone with Kalisto winning, which is, I don’t know, having Kalisto outsmart Braun and avoid an immediate post-match beatdown to erase his heat, or actually earning it somehow and making a name for himself.
Having Kalisto win without actually winning, completely by accident, then getting brutally emasculated after the match didn’t do anyone a favor. Why couldn’t Strowman have just attacked him like that DURING the match? He’s not even trying, he’s just kicking him and throwing him into shit. Speaking of, huge, huge Best for those one-handed chokeslams. Got damn.
The goal should be to keep Braun doing cool, crazy stuff every week until (1) that pays off in the craziest thing anyone has ever seen, making him the legend of legends, or (2) someone truly earning a victory over him that is made to mean something, and doesn’t feel like a bad decision. That’s so much of the Internet’s problem with wrestling, and it’s so hard to articulate. “It feels like a bad decision.” We shouldn’t think of wrestling like that, but we should get enough that we don’t HAVE to.
Worst: The One-Foot Dumpster Fall
After the match, Strowman tosses Kalisto into a dumpster, secures it closed with … what were those, bed restraints? Do dumpsters have shoelaces? And rolls him off the stage. It’s played like this shocking act of aggression, but, like, look at it. Strowman pushes a dumpster “off the stage,” sure, but the stage now is only about a foot high. The Dumpster’s still practically on the stage when it’s on the floor. What could’ve happened to Kalisto in there? OH NO, CONTENTS MAY HAVE SHIFTED!
The worst best part is Strowman like, checking in the dumpster to make sure Kalisto’s ready, like the gentle tobogganing down a flight of one step is the Ultimate Thrill Ride. Seriously, send me to Raw to film an UPROXX video where I lie on the edge of the Raw stage and roll slightly so I fall off. I’m guessing my bed frame goes up higher than the stage at this point. Jumping off the top rope is way, way higher of a fall, and that’s 85% of Kalisto’s offense.
Note: Somebody inform Vince McMahon that the stage isn’t really high anymore so he stops thinking “off the stage” is dangerous.
Worst: It’s Hard To Build Both Sides Of A Feud When You Booked The Match And Then Put The Guys In It On Separate Shows
Worst: Real Quick, Though
They waited this long to explain what a House of Horrors match is, and it’s just one of those WCW-style hardcore matches where you can fight anywhere you want and use weapons but the pinfall has to happen in the ring? That’s it? It better start backstage in a Frankenstein-shaped bounce house, that’s all I’m saying.
Best: Alexa, Play ‘Burn Bayley’
This week’s most obvious statement is that Alexa Bliss is so far beyond everyone in the women’s division as far as on-screen presence and mic skills that she feels like a Tony Award-winner starring in a high school play. Bayley and Sasha Banks deliver promos like they’re voice acting for PS1 games.
Same. Eyeballs, Sasha.
Bliss is getting over the stories, interacting with the crowd — shout-out to anyone who tries to shut down the ass-tastic “what” chants that somehow still exist — and looking and sounding like she believes what she’s saying. That’s the most important thing in the world, man. If you don’t believe what you’re saying, why the hell should I? Plus, like Alexa, I am unbelievably, unbelievably tired of Sasha and Bayley as two mannequins that came from the same department store and refuse to be separated.
Worst: Sigh
This sets up Sasha vs. Alexa, which features two of my least favorite things on Raw:
- Heels taking purposeful count-out losses, especially when they’re about to have a title match and “number one contendership” is supposed to be a real thing you’d imagine would need to be at least vaguely maintained
- Babyfaces doing mean shit to heels because they “deserve it,” whether they’ve actually earned that kind of reaction or not
Bliss takes a count-out loss, so Bayley gets up from commentary, grabs her by the hair from behind and tries to drag her back to the ring. If Sasha had done that, I’d have thought, “yeah, the face is going out there and keeping the cowardly heel from bailing!” But Sasha just stood there waving it off and let her Cheatin’ Buddy Bayley (1) pull her by the hair (2) from behind. The good news is that Alexa breaks free, runs away, runs back out to smash Bayley in the back of her stupid Sting-ass head and bails again when Sasha tries to help.
You know, I wish wrestling didn’t repeatedly remind me that I am a bad person by always having me understand the bad guys and hate the happy popular people.
Worst: Also, Dana Brooke Wrestled
Honestly this is all I could think of:
Glad Emma waited on the shelf forever and the best thing creative came up with was, “you’re exactly the same, only now the one person you interact with is kinda weirded out by it.”
Best: Miz And Maryse
They had two especially great moments for me, with the best one showing up in this video at around the 40 second mark. Elias Samson wanders by and Kurt Angle does this dead-eyed stare at Miz before pointing at him, then Samson with a banana. Miz says, “not him, I don’t even know him,” then puts his paper in front of his face because he’s about to crack up.
The other is during the Marine 5 bit with Heath Slater and Curtis Axel, when Maryse knocks Rhyno’s crackers out of his hand. His face is glorious:
I’m so glad they’re on the show.
What We Did Inside The Purple Ropes This Week
You’ve seen this before. Austin Aries and Jack Gallagher team up against Neville and “Fake Gamer Girl” TJ Perkins, following up on last week’s “two cruiserweight segments jammed into one” bit. Aries is still working five times harder than anyone else in these matches, and it’s (hopefully) getting him over. The faces win when Neville leaves TJP to the wolves, because he realized he could’ve teamed up with a Deadpool Funko Pop and accomplished the same thing.
Worst: Poor Apollo Crews
What’s the opposite of a pop? A popposite? Apollo Crews got that. Crews makes Carmella sound like she’s Stone Cold Steve Austin showing up to help Mankind win the WWF Championship.
Best: Realest Guy Outside Of The Room
In the best moment of the week, The Club saves us from roughly 0.5 Enzo Amore promos by jumping Big Cass before the bell and Magically Killing Enzo on the floor. They also save us from one (1) Enzo Amore match. Thanks, The Club!
Kurt Angle pops in and replaces Enzo with Finn Bálor, which is a pretty substantial upgrade. It’s like putting Darryl Strawberry in your lineup instead of Homer Simpson. Also, keep an eye on Finn’s butt at the 35-second mark for some Pro Sports Butt Patting. That’s what happens when you let an extremely school-sports adult man run your wrestling program. Kurt Angle is now the envy of Tumblr. And Izzy.
The bigger point of the match is Seth Rollins making the decision to officially ditch the Pedigree as his finish, choosing to finish off Karl Anderson with a ripcord V-Trigger.
Well, at least I still have my entrance music… pic.twitter.com/aoWN2CLyay
— Kenny Omega (@KennyOmegamanX) April 25, 2017
It’s a good call for Rollins, even though he’s still using his knee for a finisher when the last two years of his life have been about injuring his knee, as it’s a hell of a lot better looking than his Pedigree. Of course, as a wrestling guy on the Internet I spent most of the match like, “Finn? Now? Turn on them now? Be a bad guy now?” It’s the new, “the Shield is definitely breaking up THIS week” of wrestling conversations. Guess I shouldn’t expect anything of note to really happen before we get Payback and Backlash out of the way and all the “booked before the Superstar Shake-up” stories have finished.
Worst: Hashtag Raw So Wyatt
Speaking of that, here’s the consequence of booking a WWE title feud, splitting up the competitors a month before the show and trying to make everyone look like they’re treading water. Miz reveals Bray Wyatt as his mystery partner, but only after he’s looked stupid introducing nobody and getting the shit beaten out of him.
Wyatt shows up, beats up Ambrose and then hits Sister Abigail on Chris Jericho. They really need to stop doing the Sister Abigail slow setup with the stall and the kiss to the forehead when the guy taking the move hasn’t taken any damage. Why would you just lie there and let him hold you in place? Punch him. When you’ve smashed into the guy in the corner and he’s unconscious, sure, drag him around like that. Otherwise, do it like you did it to Rey Mysterio. That was dope.
I get what they’re going for, though. They want to have Wyatt “make an impact” by showing up and wrecking the two most over babyfaces that actually appeared on the show. But nothing’s really built to that, and Wyatt is seen as an ineffectual boogeyman who talks a big game and never backs it up, so his entrance and the idea of him are over, but he’s not really. So Miz looks dumb, Ambrose and Jericho beat up a heel 2-on-1, both of them get beaten up by a teleporting-in ghost man and Wyatt beats up people he isn’t feuding with with no consequence. So, like everything else this week, a placeholder. A water-treading ocean of placeholders.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week
The Real Birdman
Maryse can just be his partner. Probably hits harder than Ambrose
Nevers
The cervix is in the neck? No wonder I suck in bed.
TheBazz
Apollo Crews makes TJ Perkins look like the Rock in 1999.
Aceassn716
Wow Sasha is like boss of 3rd grade zingers
Mr. Bliss
“Alexa dominates and humiliates Bayley in front of Daddy” is definitely a clip I’m clicking on
Endy_Mion
Bayley’s all like, I haven’t kissed a boy but I’ve kissed a boss.
AddMayne
Dana Brooke has pinned the star of 205 Live!
Aerial Jesus
A house of horrors match, aka Randy Orton fighting through the men’s department at a Levi Strauss.
Dave M J
Hey, it’s the Eater of L’s!
JacksSmirkingRevenge
Well, Owens is The Body of America, at least.
That’s it for this week, folks. Thanks for reading. For a full recap, consult this image:
Same.
Be sure to drop down into our comments section to let us know what you thought of the Payback pre-show, and click those social share buttons to spread the word about the column. Join us on Sunday for the final stop on the road to Resuming Regular Programming!
