The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 8/29/16: Game Of Owens

Previously on the Best and Worst of Raw: Bayley made her main roster debut, Finn Bálor had to relinquish his newly-won WWE Universal Championship, and we had a “series of matches” to see who’d compete in a match for it this week. Oh, and the Dudley Boyz retired, but even they didn’t seem to want to make a big deal of it.

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And now, the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for August 29, 2016.

Best: Stoolish Games

These stoolish games are tearing me apart.

So, spoiler alert, Raw ends with Kevin f*ckin’ Owens being crowned WWE Universal Champion. Pretend that’s the Gift Of Jericho for a second and drink it in. To set that up, Raw opens with Owens doing what he does best: being dropped into the center of a tired WWE trope and blowing it up from the inside.

The first segment is the competitors in the night’s Universal title match — Owens, Seth Rollins, Roman Reigns and Large Cassady — sitting on stools, sort of aimlessly telling Corey Graves why they should be Universal Champion. Seth Rollins does his usual bit, taking 20 minutes to say something he could say in 2 but also gleefully taking credit for injuring Finn Bálor and Sami Zayn, so it kinda evens out. The highlight is when he decides he’s said enough and gives his “talking time” to Kevin Owens, who uses it to be the world’s most sarcastic, insincere asshole. “Hi, my name is Kevin and I WANNA BE UNIVERSAL CHAMPION!” The crowd loves it, because their best representative in a situation like this would be someone who’d stand up and say, STOP DOING SEGMENTS LIKE THESE, THIS IS DUMB, WHY ARE WE ON STOOLS, AND WHY DOES BIG CASS EVEN GET TO BE HERE? I think my favorite moment is when Cass calls himself the “biggest dog” in the match, and Owens keeps looking at Reigns like, “oh man, did you hear him do your thing??”

It’s made even better by Cass doing his normal, “your dick is small, and also you’re gay,” thing, which appeals to literally everyone who’s too much of a patriarchal sh*thead to get on board with Owens. It’s such a great dichotomy and covers the spread, so to speak.

Roman, of course, is Roman. He responds to Seth Rollins insulting him by standing up, looking menacing, then punching Owens. Guy’s got some misguided entitlement and rage issues. That starts a FATAL FRACAS, with the brief fight with Owens getting Rollins distracted with Cass so Reigns can cheap-shot him. I don’t always want to go the “faces are heels and heels are faces” route, but they’ve gotta stop giving me material.

Let’s “wait and see where it goes,” because it goes somewhere pretty great.

Best: When You’ve Got The Answers, Jericho Changes The It

If this is KO’s episode, we’ve got to show some love to Chris Jericho, too. Before his match with Neville, brother sings the Mighty Mouse theme and jukes Tom Phillips on his “it” catchphrase. Tom (aka “Phillipe,” aka “Phil”) thinks he’s got it right when Jericho asks him what Neville’s gonna get and he says “it,” but it turns out he’s a stupid idiot and Jericho’s gonna give Neville The Gift Of. Any continuing humiliation and emasculation of Announcer Games Of Thrones Cersei Lannister Tom Phillips is appreciated.

Jericho keeps it going in the ring, too, with a hell of an opener against Neville. Not only do we get the Lion Tamer — called so by Michael Cole, who continues to prosper with constructive color guys who aren’t desperately asking him to make wanking motions at the show he’s supposed to be calling — but we get full-on Midnight Express Jericho, featuring him crawling on his knees to hug the referee in fear. That’s such an underrated heel move in today’s wrestling ecosystem.

I really do hope Neville gets some direction when the cruiserweight division starts up, as he’s the most underutilized NXT Champion on the main roster, non-Bo Train division. There’s a pretty great commercial for the division featuring DIY and Cedric Alexander, and if Neville isn’t grandfathered in as the face of it, he should be irate. Realistically, there’s not a better thing he could be doing. Plus, who doesn’t want Neville vs. Cedric Alexander for 8 minutes on Raw?

Okay, I’m being generous. Who doesn’t want Neville vs. Cedric Alexander for 3 1/2 minutes on Raw?

The Road To Nia Jax vs. Braun Strowman Continues

WWE should just stay in Texas forever so I can recognize all the enhancement talent. And I thought Weazy Woo being in the Cruiserweight Classic was weird.

Nia Jax is up first, squashing Booker T’s Reality of Wrestling Hyaneyoung Olvera, shortened to “Hyan.” Part of me wishes she’d wrestled on Smackdown just to hear JBL try to say “Hyaneyoung Olvera.”

It’s your by-the-numbers Nia squash, although I’m starting to get worried about her new finish. It’s a fireman’s carry into a front powerslam, but here she struggles to actually get Hyan all the way up and over her own head before slamming her down. It still comes across fine and properly brutal, but in my mind I can see her getting someone stuck on the top of her head and falling anyway, which is either gonna dislocate somebody’s shoulder or break her face.

Braun Strowman gets to wrestle (and unmask!) Americos, aka “Americo,” aka a guy I’m pretending has a luchador Amerigo Vespucci gimmick. Americos is also a Texas indy journeyman who has done some Ring of Honor dark matches and is very good, albeit very very small. He’s the perfect kind of opponent for Braun, who can just throw him around like he’s wrestling a Wrestling Buddy.

When it’s over, Strowman removes Americo’s mask, sort of like how the 2016 Presidential candidates are unmasking America’s crumbling political process. Please send my Webby Award to Austin, TX, c/o UPROXX.

Note: they should totally keep Americo around and use him as the new cruiserweight division’s Mr. JL. Change his name to “Mr. U.S.” if you want. Maybe not Mr. America, but hey, it’s your call.

Best: Dana Brooke As The Ball-et Babe

Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson have retired as doctors — you can only get so much business done once a client has drank his own balls-juice on national television — and are now in the business of retirement, calling their organization the “octogenarian leisure destination for aging rehabilitation treatment,” or, if you’re one of the 12-year olds writing these bits, “OLD FART.” Kane should join the team and contribute some HARD FARTS. He even kinda looks like them already.

Anyway, this builds to the reveal that Dana Brooke has joined The Club as whatever the adjective-free version of the “Bullet Babe” would be, and her new character is “cosplaying the cover of Enema of the State.” This had the actual Bullet Babe tweeting about how she’d “kill a bitch” before the night was over. This should end well for everybody!

Bayley shows up backstage in a backpack (oh man) and runs into her true soulmates: The New Day. Think about it. These are guys who act like dorky pre-teens, eat dry cereal for every meal, are powered by friendship and positivity, LOVE UNICORNS and even indirectly caused Bayley’s “hey want want some blank” 2 Live Crew chants. They see each other and it’s like Patricia Clarkson’s character in The Green Mile finding John Coffey in the darkness.

The best part of it for me as a longtime Bayley fan is that she’s got a true confidence now, and is able to actually find some like-minded peers who are just instantly friendly to her and don’t make her “earn it.” They’re calling her their new best friend before the segment is over. You made it, Bayley. No more begging Natalya to be basically polite to you.

Dana Brooke shows up to be a jerk for not reason and gets SUPA HOT FIRE’d away by New Bay. That sets up the match, which continues everything they set up and gets a great crowd reaction for their troubles.

Maybe I’m still just excited to see Bayley on main roster WWE TV, but it feels like adding her to The New Day (even in a Seth Rollins unofficial kind of way) not only gives her a solid base to build on for her Raw career, but helps focus New Day. They need allegiances and true enemies, and to seem like they care about what’s going on. If they have to do that through surrogate Bayley, who is the KINGSH*T of making wrestling fans care about allegiances and enemies, that’s great.

Adding Dana to The Club works too, because they’re clearly talented dudes with awkward personalities who got abandoned by an arrogant yokel. Right?

Bayley picks up the win for her team and looks and sounds like a superstar while doing it. I’m so excited about all of this, especially for that moment when Sasha Banks comes back, realizes that Bayley stole all her thunder AND her championship match and spot AND the love of her best friends and just goes apesh*t nuclear on her.

Best: Sami Zayn Selling Last Week’s Injury

First of all, let me finally exhale about Sami Zayn’s ankle injury from last week. Gonna sit here with my brow furrowed at y’all for a while for teasing a serious injury one segment after Finn Bálor announced he’d be spending the next six months-plus as the local medial facility’s spookiest and most majestic patient.

That said, I like that Zayn is treating the ankle injury like a real thing, and selling it during this match with Jinder Mahal. Sami’s always thrived in these matches with low-level WWE main roster hosses from Titus O’Neil to Cesaro — hey, I’m not the one calling him low-level over here, just stating a fact — and giving him a focused selling point to struggle against Jinder was a good call. I would’ve had him win with something other than running kick to the face, especially since he’s got the Koji Clutch and a few other believable finishes, but it is what it is.

I also liked this pairing a lot from a sociopolitical point of view, because:

1. Sami Zayn won the “final battle” with Kevin Owens at Battleground, but fast forward a few weeks and Owens is the Universal Champion while Zayn is struggling on the undercard against Jinder Mahal. Who exactly was holding back who in this rivalry?

2. All I want is for Heath Slater to blow up on Smackdown, so there’s a moment in next year’s Royal Rumble where Jinder Mahal shows up, Heath Slater shows up next to a massive pop and just beats the holy living sh*t out of Jinder and tosses him for betraying their friendship for a f*cking Raw enhancement talent spot.

Best/Worst: Cesaro Vs. Sheamus Rolls On

After a weird week off for some reason, we’re back with match #2 in the Best-of-7 series for a title opportunity despite four other guys leapfrogging them to get a title opportunity without best-of-sevening anybody for like two months between Sheamus and Cesaro.

Like every match they’ve ever had, it’s physically entertaining and sorta relies on how much you like Cesaro and want to see him win things to be good. This one ends with an ill-advised but creative backdrop into the ring post, which WWE.com is claiming caused a serious injury. Between this and the Crotch Neutralizer on Big E, WWE’s really putting over the devastating nature of a pillar of metal.

Sheamus smartly rolls Cesaro back into the ring and Cloverleafs him for the victory, going up 2-0 in the series. The announce team gives him sh*t for capitalizing on the back injury to win, even though they were chill and understanding about Cesaro doing it with Sheamus’ arm earlier in the match. I’m gonna need Graves to actually become Jesse ‘The Body’ Ventura at some point and start pointing this stuff out. Also, wearing a feather boa.

How fitting would it be for Cesaro’s WWE character if he won two straight matches against Sheamus, got put into a best-of-7 with him, lost two in a row and then was too injured to even finish?

Worst: Darren Young Vs. Titus O’Neil, Part Whatever

Worst?: Apologies

Here’s my funny breakdown of this week’s McMahon segment:

Stephanie McMahon: Apologize!
Paul Heyman: I apologize
Stephanie McMahon: Apology accepted

wait

wait

No, that’s it. There’s some good here, notably Paul Heyman trying to pay Brock Lesnar’s hilariously small $500 fine in $1 bills, one at a time, stopping to count on the microphone after each. There’s also the same general Stephanie weirdness that pervades any segment she’s in where she’s asked to confront or stand up to someone, like calling Heyman ugly out of the blue and her weird declarations that she invented women’s lib last year when she called up some good wrestlers from NXT and put them on segregated teams.

Backstage, Commissioner Foley feels bad about what “happened to Stephanie,” which, uh, was what? Her burying a dude’s worth and life of accomplishments before declaring herself the world’s greatest woman and successfully berating him into apologizing to her? Poor Stephanie. Mick should’ve been out there to protect you! Steph says they’re going to crown the “first-ever Universal Champion” tonight, because Finn Bálor only ever existed in a child’s snow globe.

Best: Kay-Ohhhhhh

Okay, let’s approach this from both sides.

If you’re a Guy On The Internet — reminder that this is not an insult, as I am absolutely one of these — you might’ve not been thrilled to see the Universal Championship elimination four-way end with Triple H reappearing from the Upside Down and pedigree -> eliminating two of four competitors. Seriously, he shows up and insta-kills Roman Reigns with a Pedigree, then makes Seth Rollins pin him. Then, he insta-kills Rollins with a Pedigree and makes Owens pin him. None of that “Goldberg spears Lesnar to soften him up for a Guerrero frog splash” thing where they get help but ultimately win it on their own … H is operating independently of the top performers in the company, instantly ending impossible-to-beat guys with one move. He’s openly and blatantly deciding who wins, and being the strongest and coolest person on the show while doing so.

If you’re used to every “wait and see where it goes” from WWE “going” into the garbage, this might give you pause. It’s going to end with Triple H vs. Seth Rollins, probably at WrestleMania, in one of Triple H’s forced epics that brings out the worst in both dudes. It will also probably involve H beating Rollins so regularly and thoroughly that even if Rollins wins, H will look like the tougher, stronger and more important guy. See also the feud with Brock Lesnar. Or the feud with Bryan, which looked like it ended great and then accidentally retconned itself a month later due to injury.

Now to look at it from the other side.

KEVIN OWENS IS THE WWE UNIVERSAL CHAMPION. Not only that, but what happened to make Kevin Owens Universal Champion makes perfect sense.

Big Cass gets some time to shine, but gets eliminated first by Owens, giving the winner of the match the only actual legitimate elimination OF it. We’ve been wondering where the hell Triple H went since losing to Roman Reigns at WrestleMania, so it makes sense that he’d reappear to trounce Roman one good time and ruin another one of his endless string of opportunities. H puts Rollins over Reigns, because that’s the established dynamic. And even though Claude Chappe couldn’t have telegraphed that sh*t any more, reminding the audience of that established dynamic allowed the tease of Triple H helping Rollins eliminate Owens as well to work.

The swerve swerving back around on itself opens up more probabilities than just the Triple H vs. Seth Rollins match we’ve been assuming was happening since before Rollins’ injury last year. Owens as the champ is a shocker, but he immediately has so many possible alignment issues and enemies. Did you hear that pop? That and the “you deserve it” could easily turn him into a top babyface. If it doesn’t, Chris Jericho turning on him out of jealousy and spite absolutely would. If you don’t want to go that route, you’ve got pre-made rivalries with Finn (the true champion), Zayn (the eternal rival), Reigns (who got cheated out of his shot at the belt), Rollins (ditto) and pretty much anyone else Owens has run into in the past year and had their life made into a living hell. Heel or face, you’ve got a hardworking, clearly talented guy who connects with the crowd, can play a true heel if they need one and can actually charismatically speak into a microphone for any amount of time necessary without someone meticulous scripting it. The assassination of Finn Bálor by the coward Seth Rollins wasn’t ideal, but sometimes a happy accident can make the story play out so much better.

Plus, look at how pitch-perfect this is. Kevin Owens is a guy who believes he’s being wronged 24/7, and now he’s FINALLY in a top championship match and got this sh*t handed to him on a silver platter. Two kill moves and he didn’t even have to do anything. He feels like he deserves it, sure, but even he can’t believe this is happening.

Love it. I also like the touch of Triple H trapping Rollins in the Pedigree for a minute by actually locking his hands, which Rollins has never figured out how to do. And shout-out to do-gooder protector Commissioner Foley for standing there with his dick in his hand while this all played out.

So yeah, we’re gonna Wait And See Where It Goes, because it could go somewhere really great, even if we only believe it for a week. Join us for the conclusion of the story next year at NXT TakeOver: New Blood Rising!

Best: Rusev, Still The Best Part Of The Show

Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week

Cami

You deserve It!
What?
IT!

Aces

Triple H: “Everytime they think I’m out, I pull myself back in!”
Steph: “Um, hon, I think you misheard that Godfather quote.”

GuyIncognito

“Oh that’s right. It was no DQ. Guess I probably should’ve done something. Sorry, bro.”
-Enzo Amore, I can only assume

TheBazz

Somewhere Sami Zayn is looking sadly into a mirror as “The Sound of Silence” plays in the background. I mean, if there’s a ska cover of it.

Mark Silletti

You know this is scripted because Paul Heyman is paying somebody

ccxxii

Swann, Owens, Cesaro, Zayne – Raw is going from PG to PWG.

NotACrook

Colin Kaepernick just instinctively sat down.

JonSte13

Mr. Fuji, the man responsible for making Bret Hart so salty.

Rodeo

That Club/Dana promo was missing its Brazzers logo.

Full Nelson Reilly

Hmmm… backpack, sassy black friends, gets insulted by fake blondes. Bayley is the Kimmy Schmidt of WWE

.

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