The Best and Worst of WWE Raw for January 4, 2016

Happy new year. Happy new year, pal. Happy new year.

Previously on the Best and Worst of Raw: John Cena returned! But don’t get too excited, he’s on vacation again this week. He’s selling the vanishing that occurred during last week’s main event. Mr. McMahon returned, too, to put Roman Reigns in a WWE World Heavyweight Championship match against Sheamus, with Mr. McMahon as special guest referee. How will Roman Reigns overcome these odds? I bet he won’t!

Also, a dog in a unicorn headband was there.

Remember that With Spandex is on Twitter, so follow it. Follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook. You can also follow me on Twitter.

Please scroll through for the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for January 4, 2016.

Best: Owens Vs. Neville, And Dean Ambrose Not Being Helpless For Once

The show technically opened with Stephanie McMahon and Roman Reigns sorta aimlessly confronting each other again for no reason — “Mr. McMahon isn’t here yet, but he’ll be here soon” isn’t worth a segment unless he’s a surprise, guys — so I’ll skip it. Besides, Roman didn’t say Stephanie would have to pick up Vince “from the morgue,” which would’ve happily erased at least two or three of those tater tot/beanstalk promos in my brain. I want some random Raw to start with Stephanie being all, “ROMAN, TONIGHT YOU HAVE A HANDICAP MATCH AGAINST LEAGUE OF NATIONS” and for him to respond with, “okay, hope King Barrett’s head’s strong enough to not get crushed under the wheel of a dirt bike.” Then cut to Dean Ambrose shuffling out into the parking lot.

Anyway, our first match of the week is Neville vs. Kevin Owens, and it’s that same kind of “good, but not NXT good” we’ve come to accept from former NXT guys on the main roster. Neville’s exciting and always seems like he’s on the cusp of getting over, but he’s got that Cesaro thing where he just doesn’t have much of a hook besides “cool wrestler,” so he stays where he is. Hey, I don’t agree with it, but casual WWE fans need a goofy extraneous thing to connect to if you want to be huge. Sometimes I wonder if The Rock would be working Pro Wrestling Syndicate shows right now if he couldn’t do that thing with his eyebrow.

It was good, though, and I especially enjoyed the ending. Dean Ambrose is on commentary as the world’s soggiest Miz, and Kevin Owens tries to jump him and put him through the announce table again. Instead of just getting helplessly beaten up for the thousandth time (or taking Dino Damage until Roman Reigns can show up and help him), Ambrose actually fights back and puts Owens through the table. Every now and then I remember how cool and dynamic Dean could be if he was booked to actually seem crazy and tough, instead of having the IQ of an unplugged refrigerator and just making goofy faces while he gently jumps out of the ring at people.

And hey, it sets up Ambrose vs. Owens for the Intercontinental Championship on Smackdown. That’s a very Smackdown match already, but I appreciate them making an effort to link the shows and treating Thursday like a thing you should try to watch.

Worst: JBL Is Just Screaming Random Words

JBL’s commentary has deteriorated to the point that he’s not even saying sentences, he’s just screaming phrases. “Prize fighter” is annoying on its own — we get it, man, he fights for prizes — but jump to the finish and listen to him call it.

“AWA, Otto Wanz! Bowling bawl! Could go night night! Wham! Planted! Bawgame!”

I could hold a microphone up to a Starting Lineup Talking Baseball and get better commentary than that.

(And not to pull my “Itchy & Scratchy CD-ROm” card, but it’s not even accurate. Wanz did two separate moves, which you can see at the 11:50-ish mark in this video. He did the Big Otto Splash in the corner, which is just a really fat guy jogging into you, and the “bowling ball” after that. That was him doing a forward roll over you on the ground. How do we get JBL to yell “Dragon Gate, Naruki Doi! Dai Bosou! Bawgame!” on Raw?)

(I am so lonely.)

Titus Vs. Stardust

I didn’t know what to give this. Stay with me, because my thought process isn’t just “I can’t give Worsts to the Rhodes family*.”

On one hand, I like both Stardust and Titus O’Neil, and I like that their rivalry has continued through a Christmas Caper. They’re two guys with (very different) upsides, but they coordinate. Stardust is doing amazing character work and has all the in-ring tools you need to become WWE Champion, but nobody seems to care. Titus is working almost exclusively with “strength” and “enthusiasm,” but he works harder than anyone else at trying to force the crowd into matches. If you can make a guy go HEY COME ON, LOOK AT THIS, THIS IS GREAT and have him point at Stardust, that’s a good call. The match is short but solid, in a very 2011 WWE kind of way.

On the other, this is one of those matches you forget happened when it’s over. By hour two there’s a 50% chance you forgot Stardust vs. Titus O’Neil happened, and that drops to 25% in hour three. On Tuesday it feels like they followed Owens and Neville with a video package and you lost track of time. Nobody’s gonna look at Titus and say, “wow, you beat Stardust!” Nobody’s gonna look at Stardust and say anything other than, “wow, you’re losing to Titus.” Like I said, there are upsides, but nobody feels like they’re moving up.

I guess I’ll leave it in the middle. I like these guys and am glad they get to be on TV with some vague pantomiming in the direction of a rivalry, but I’m not even sure I remember wrestling happening.

*You must’ve not been reading when Goldust and Stardust were stuck in a room looking for a key for six months.

Best: The Flairs Are Horrible People

Becky Lynch vs. Charlotte is the best and most cohesive story on the show for like the third straight week. See what happens when you do Divas stories that don’t revolve around the Bella Twins? Even stuff like Paige vs. Charlotte had them standing in the background staring at the camera, mouthing “THIS IS ABOUT US.”

But yeah, the story has been that Charlotte is the Divas Champion and is suddenly a cagey veteran, and Becky is her gullible dope friend. The longer Charlotte holds the belt, the more like her dad she becomes. Becky’s been trying to be all pinkie-locking and pun-havin’, but Charlotte’s all, “look kid, the world is dark and meaningless, you gotta hold the tights on your distraction rollups.” Becky’s at commentary giving interviews about the importance of friendship while Charlotte laughs at her for getting egg nog poured on her head. Charlotte even cheated to beat Becky in a one-on-one match, and lectured her about how this “isn’t NXT.”

They have a rematch here, and it’s perfect. Drunk Ric Flair once again tries to cheat to help Charlotte win, grabbing Becky’s leg. Charlotte shoots the distraction rollup, but Becky has that scouted — finally — and reverses it into a pin on her own. She hold the tights, and gets the three. After the match, Charlotte brutally attacks her in anger, and it’s great because she’s pissed off at Becky for DOING WHAT SHE TOLD HER TO DO. Becky only cheated because that was the order, and only after Charlotte tried to cheat her first. The Flairs are awful people, and I love it.

Best: Rumble Builds!, Or
Worst: The Battle Of Who Could Care Less

I’m trying to stay positive.

The next match is Ryback vs. The Big Show whoops, I broke my positivity bone. Now I’m lying on the floor clutching my MedicAlert bracelet, shouting to no one about how I’ve fallen and can’t get up. Oh no, the Wyatt Family just interfered and attacked Ryback. We’re doing Ryback vs. Bray Wyatt again? Is The Miz around here somewhere? Am I dying? Oh, there’s a light. Oh hi, grandpa. You look so young! What’s that? They’re not ready for me? I have to go back? WHY WOULD YOU MAKE ME GO BACK TO RYBACK VS. BIG SHOW, GRANDPA. I HATE YOU. GO BACK TO HEAVEN WITH EDDIE GUERRERO AND I’LL WATCH THIS WYATT FAMILY FEUD. Wait, why would you say that about Eddie Guerrero? Wait, you aren’t my grandpa at all. Was your shoulder injury THAT bad?

…

Hey, sorry, not sure what happened there. Ryback and Big Show and the Wyatt Family are circularly feuding because the Royal Rumble is coming up, and you can’t have the locker room empty for an impromptu battle royal more than once. I’m sure this will be exciting!

Best? Mr. McMahon Seduces Roman Reigns

There’s something very Fifty Shades of Grey about Vince McMahon standing about an inch away from Roman Reigns in the locker room, explaining his dominance. Roman’s thousand-yard grimace while Vince gets progressively more and more turned on by what he’s saying is so weird. Watch Vince’s face when he’s saying, “there’s no … gouging, there’s no … low blows, scratching …” It’s supposed to read as Vince smugly f*cking with him, but read to me as Vince smugly f*cking with him. “You must obey my commands at all times” really drives it home. I’m surprised he command Roman to sit in a chair until he peed himself.

Worst: Cool Dad Is Back To Get A Paycheck And Ruin Everything

1. The last thing we needed was The New Day getting emasculated by COOL DAD, who is back just in time to get Royal Rumble and WrestleMania paydays. One of the weirdest parts about being a fan in the 90s and watching all the way through to current day is seeing all the scrappy, talented undercard guys you just knew could be the biggest stars in the world if the old boring predictable people would step aside and give them a chance become the old, boring, predictable people who won’t step aside. If Jericho’s just here to show up in the Rumble and get eliminated to give it a little star power, sure. If he’s here to take a WrestleMania 32 spot on a card that’s already living or dying by its celebrity part-timers, nope.

2. I don’t want to act like The New Day are fashion forward in their unicorn horns, sparkly cape-jackets and elf shoes, but the guy in the skinny jeans wearing a vest with no shirt under a giant LED leather jacket should probably not be telling people they look stupid. It’d be like Sheamus showing up on one of those Just For Men commercials and telling someone their beard looks weird.

3. “Tater Tots” should be glad it was in 2015, because “Rooty Tooty Booty” just took it over as the dumbest thing said on Raw. It’s like a catchphrase from another time, for people who thought “snootchie bootchies” was a riot. That’s f*ckin’ baby talk. Combine it with the hilarious joke of calling The New Day “Green Day” and you’ve got peak THROW HIM INTO THE SUN Y2J. Babyface Chris Jericho is my least favorite wrestler, and it’s not even close. Wake me up when Chris Jericho ends.

4. There is a song called “Rooty Tooty Booty,” and it is just as cool and metal as Chris Jericho:

5. There is a 0% chance Jericho knows what a “trap queen” is, and a 100% chance New Day told him to call them that without explaining what it means. Either that, or Jericho asked someone older than him what young people are saying these days. Can’t wait for WrestleMania, when he tells the crowd he’s “turnt AF.”

Best: New Day Shakes It Off, Or
Best: Hallelujah, The Dudley Boyz Aren’t Facing The Wyatt Family

Okay, let’s pretend Chris Jericho didn’t happen. Let’s pretend Ellen Degeneres wandered out onto the stage to present a Slammy, realized she was a few weeks late, charmingly apologized and bailed.

The New Day takes on the team of The Dudley Boyz and Kalisto, which earns a Best for three reasons:

1. Sin Cara was not involved (I hope the doctors realize they can never medically clear him, because he’s SIN CARA), and

2. It wasn’t The Dudley Boyz vs. The Wyatt Family. We saw that so much that it’s got The Dudleys vs. New Day feeling like a fresh matchup. That should tell you everything you need to know. Although now that I typed it, I hope the Dudleys “go to war” with New Day and bring out Tommy Dreamer and Rhyno in a two-person horse costume. Just re-do the entire Dudleys/Wyatts feud, but with Dreamer hitting Big E with a sousaphone or whatever.

3. New Day wins, and didn’t lose via Jericho running down to ringside and shouting Michael Bublé lyrics at them.

Best: Hustlin’ Del Rio, Or
Worst: That Double-Stomp Setup Isn’t Getting Any More Believable

Del Rio got a haircut and is moving at like 5x speed from his first month and a half back in the company, so I’ll give credit where credit’s due. Del Rio and Rusev as the no-nonsense workhorses of the League of Nations — the Andersons, if you will — is something I can get behind, especially if they continue to distance themselves from the broken version of Lana and keep doing hip handshakes.

I enjoyed the match itself (and that lady in the crowd with the RUSEV IS BAE sign, who gets me), because I want the League to succeed. It’s easy to make jokes about them, but they all have the chance to be (or have been) my favorites. Sheamus has the mic skills of a Big Mouth Billy Bass and looks like an asshole, but if you remove all the trappings of WWE Branding he’s a solid worker with a lot of positives, including how often he lets people hit him for real to make stuff look good. He’ll probably never be as important as they say he is, but he’s better than we usually say. Rusev has been bogged down with garbage stories since WrestleMania, but he’s hilarious and good in the ring, and a working Rusev/Lana dynamic is A+. Alberto Del Rio is f*cking lucha royalty, and Lucha Underground showed us what he can do when he’s motivated, and not overshadowed by how hard and sorrowfully he sold out. Then there’s King Barrett, who is maybe the best talker in the entire company and one of the easiest-to-like wrestlers in the world when he’s not feuding with dudes over plungers and being sad as balls. If they’re all healthy and utilized for their strengths instead of tossed out into the sea and told to doggie-paddle in their weaknesses, they could be a threat.

Still, that double-stomp has got to go. An Uso dangling around on the middle rope like he can’t figure out how grips and gravity work while Del Rio sets up is a bad look. You’re in a tag match, man. Have Rusev set the guy up while you’re climbing. Consolidate your steps!

Best: 4MB, Or “Dolph Ziggler Is Now Raw’s Saddest Wrestler”

Here’s something I bet you couldn’t have predicted: Heath Slater having a posse of jobbers and pinning Dolph Ziggler on Raw was my favorite part of the show. Who knew, right?

If you missed it, Slater is now the paterfamilias of a group called “The Social Outcasts,” aka 4MB, aka The Bored Horsemen. They’re kinda like the Beatles. Slater is the funny one, Bo Dallas is the nice one, Curtis Axel is the weird one and Adam Rose is the schizophrenic African bounty hunter turned depressed former party boy with a gossip show and a bus full of drugs and furries. Just like the Beatles.

If Ziggler looking sad while he gets pinned by a gaggle of dudes who can’t pin anybody doesn’t brighten your day, watch the backstage fallout interview, in which Rich Brennan tries to talk to the group and gets thrown under the bus so hard.

The only thing funnier is what happens when you give Curtis Axel a live mic. Don’t ever let him talk again. I’m kidding, let him talk as much as possible, just let me make some popcorn first.

Best/Worst: Stimulus Response!

Finally, the main event. If you enjoyed this, that’s good. There’s a lot to enjoy. It’s very exciting, and a lot is happening. It’s like that laughing baby in the sun on Teletubbies. If it felt kinda like a middle school production of “Stone Cold Steve Austin,” that’s also accurate.

To me, it’s one of those situations where it sounds like a great idea until you actually do it, and realize what happens. If you watch a big Attitude Era match like this out of context, you might see Steve Austin beating up corporate sellout Dude Love and having him beaten, until the Corporation changes the stipulations on the fly. You might be right there with Austin as he keeps battling this ridiculous odds, and finding fun, exciting ways to defy them. There’s a whole story, time and situation that go with it. Here, and maybe this is because we’re all older now and love to complain on the Internet or whatever, it’s not the same.

First of all, even Roman Reigns doesn’t understand what’s going on. He says that if he loses the WWE World Heavyweight Championship, he loses his job and won’t be able to provide for his family. Stephanie tries to bring it back around to, “well, you would’ve been fired if you lost last week, but all that would happen now is you’d not be champion, you wouldn’t get fired, but it’d still be REALLY SAD I bet!”

Secondly, Sheamus is getting opportunity after opportunity and sh*tting the bed every time, looking a little more like a joke in every failure. Here, Sheamus has a cheating referee who also OWNS AND RUNS THE COMPANY on his side, but Roman just beats him anyway. Even after a ref bump and a bunch of distractions, Sheamus hits TWO BROGUE KICKS on Roman and still can’t beat him. Why the f*ck would anybody give Sheamus another chance after this? The Authority could send Joey Mercury out there with the same set of stips and accomplish whatever Sheamus is doing. The only win he’s ever gotten is via a magical briefcase, after Roman wrestled twice. He couldn’t even put him away with a finisher THEN, and almost f*cked it up.

Thirdly, the dynamic between Roman and the Authority doesn’t work. I’ve written about how there are no stakes involved in keeping Roman so they should just strip him and fire him if they hate him so much, and that’s really it. Why keep half-assing these unfair title matches and stipulations to give Roman a chance? Even their nuke — putting Roman in the Royal Rumble and making it for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship — is engineered to give Roman a come-from-behind win. Maybe I’m not six and I’m looking for too many loopholes instead of “just enjoying the show,” but f*ck, if you don’t want the guy to be champion, take the belt away from him. Going through these heel authority motions to get it off him only works when you’re trying to keep up appearances that you’re NOT an evil character, right? You put Austin in unfair matches because you aren’t the “bad guy,” you’re just doing your job, even though you’re totally the bad guy and are manipulating things from behind the scenes. If you’re on TV getting arrested for being aggressively evil, or you’re Triple H and Stephanie in the ring announcing that you’re the villains, what’s the point of pretending? What are you getting from it? Just say “we’re stripping Roman of the title for punching the owner of the company, punching the COO and threatening Stephanie a bunch, he doesn’t ever get another title shot and if he’s unhappy about that, he can find another job.” Don’t say, “I’m so mad at you, Roman, here’s another chance for you to win! Here, let me help you.” Be a dick, just don’t be self-defeating.

I can’t wait for February, when the Authority makes Roman defend the title in a Fast Lane match.

Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week

JonSte13

Triple H is somewhere furiously searching through Google to see if anything offensive pops up when you type in “protein sisters”

TheGunslinger

Bray: I NEVER WANT TO SEE ANOTHER RYBACK VS. BIG SHOW MATCH AGAIN!!!

TedBelmont

Based on the Wyatts’ prior history, now they’re going to kidnap Ric Flair, Arn Anderson and two other old guys before getting beaten by them.

The Real Birdman

Del Rio’s tree of woe set up makes the Killswitch look like a lightning flash

LEAGUE OF SLATIONS BAYBAAAAY!!!!

Cami

eBOlution is a mystery, a small crew that no one sees.

Mr. Royal Rumble, TheCensoredMSol

Jericho hated Raw, the whole Rumble season.
Oh please don’t ask why, no one quite knows the reason.
It could the fact that his hair was too white.
It could be that his LED jacket shone too bright.
But I think the most important reason of all,
was the fact that his shirt was two sizes too small.

HeyBroLetsDance