Previously on the Best and Worst of Raw: A fightal — oops — fatal five-way match was announced for Extreme Rules, with the winner moving on to face Brock Lesnar for the Universal Championship, whatever that is, at WWE Quote Pay-per-view Unquote. Also, Goldust finally turned on R-Truth, because God is real and he loves us.
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And now, the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for May 22, 2017.
Best: What We Need Is … What He Is? Seriously?
Maybe this is my love of El Vagabundo talking, but here’s something I never expected to type: this week’s best match to me was the debuting Elias Samson against Dean Ambrose.
This might come as a shock to you guys, but it turns out WWE may sometimes understand its own performers better than we do. I’m just typing crazy nonsense this week. And sure, this is an extremely small sample size, but so far it really seems like The Drifter is one of those rare acts whose character and in-ring work blows in NXT, but works on the main roster. He’s got the right size, he’s got the right look, he’s got a basic-ass offense with a couple of signature moves and his character is two-dimensional enough to make an arena full of people instantly “get it” and boo. That guy plays songs! We don’t want to hear songs! We want to see guys fight! In NXT, that feels pretty Cro-Magnon. On Raw, it’s … fresh? Maybe fresh isn’t the right word, but he hasn’t been around long enough for every aspect of his existence to not make sense like the rest of the jerks on this show.
Samson’s act fits perfectly with Ambrose’s, too, and he improves on the normal Dean Ambrose match schematic by not giving Dean a lot of offense. “Offense” is where Ambrose matches usually lose whatever they’re going for. Plus, who better to face the guy with “unpredictable offense” than a guy we’ve “never seen wrestle before?” You occasionally get brilliant shit like Ambrose doing the jumping armpit off the ropes and getting Tiger Kneed in the face.
And hey, even the story makes sense in this match. The Miz has leveraged the stupidity of Ambrose and naivete of Kurt Angle to get a match at Extreme Rules where if Ambrose gets disqualified, he loses the Intercontinental Championship. So here, Miz runs in late in the match (after Ambrose has taken a beating, appropriately) and hits Samson, causing Ambrose to lose. If that happens at Extreme Rules, Miz becomes champion. So now you’ve set up the idea that Miz understands the rules and has orchestrated this entire thing, and there’s a good chance the match at Extreme Rules is gonna start with Maryse waiting for the bell, slapping Miz and everyone bolting. So now when Ambrose is smart enough to know all this and prevent that from happening, Miz gets hoist by his own petard, and you’ve got a great in-ring story and heat for the match.
High five to whoever put this together. I wish the rest of the show seemed this purposeful.
Best: Enzo Goes Down Hard, All Day All Night
Somewhere in the middle of the show, we discover that Enzo Amore has been “laid out” by mysterious attackers. Big Cass gets grumpy-faced about it and promises justice. At first I thought maybe Enzo got attacked by a pack of wild chickens, Hyrule-style, for his unspeakable crimes against the species. Or like, he tried to fuck a vacuum cleaner and it sexually mutinied.
But elsewhere on the show during a backstage interview, the camera catches a couple of guys walking through the background. A couple of top guys.
https://twitter.com/BulletClubItal/status/866815932647309312
Of course, The Revival wrestling Enzo and Cass is like Dean Malenko wrestling a Teddy Ruxpin, but I’ll take what I can get to get the best tag team in the world back on Raw. Belt clink.
Worst: Swerve!
From last week’s column:
Sheamus and Cesaro faced the Hardy Boyz for the Raw Tag Team Championship at Payback. To set this up, they had Jeff Hardy defeat Cesaro in a singles match, then had Matt Hardy defeat Sheamus in a singles match. The Hardys also won at Payback.
Now, after a heel turn and a tag team turmoil match that saw them defeat the entire division, Sheamus and Cesaro will face the Hardy Boyz for the Raw Tag Team Championship at Extreme Rules. To set this up, they have Jeff Hardy defeat Sheamus in a singles match. Let me guess, next week Cesaro will take on Matt Hardy?
WWE decided to throw us armchair bookers a curve ball this week. Instead of Matt Hardy taking on Cesaro, it’s Matt Hardy taking on Sheamus. And here I thought “hold the door” on Game of Thrones was going to be the most mind-blowing twist of the decade!
The rub here is that the winner gets to pick the stipulation for the Tag Team Championship match at Extreme Rules. Matt Hardy wins. You assume they’re gonna pick a ladder match, because they’re only ever talking about ladder matches, both guys are programmed to pull ladders from under the ring instead of chairs or sledgehammers, and they won the Tag Team Championship from Sheamus and Cesaro in a ladder match at WrestleMania. So of course they choose steel cage match.
Why in the world would the Hardys pick a steel cage? Did they just randomize it? “We’ve got a tag title match against two guys bigger and stronger than us, and we’re our best when we can scramble around and jump off stuff. How about we lock ourselves in a steel box so we can’t do anything and let them throw us into walls?” I know they’re doing it just to re-do the tried-and-true “Jeff Hardy’s about to escape but his daredevil instincts take over and he dives off the cage, costing the Hardys the match” trope, and I know that’s a great way to get Matt hating on Jeff to start the embreakening or whatever, but at least have Matt throw me a kayfabe explanation in his announcement.
Also, Sheamus and Cesaro should really stop taking matches against the Hardy Boys.
What We Did Inside The Purple Ropes This Week
Again, from last week’s column:
Four weeks ago on Raw, Austin Aries and Jack Gallagher teamed up to defeat Neville and TJ Perkins when Aries defeated Perkins. The next week, Austin Aries defeated TJ Perkins. Last week, TJ Perkins defeated Jack Gallagher. This week, Austin Aries and Jack Gallagher lose to Neville and TJ Perkins when Perkins defeats Gallagher.
I don’t know if I shamed them into calling an audible on everything this week or what, but this Raw at least attempts to remember that there are more than four dudes in the cruiserweight division. Up first is Akira Tozawa vs. Ariya Daivari, which is pretty good until about 90 seconds later when it ends. The good news though is that Tozawa’s changed up his finisher from “have a kick blocked, have a kick ducked, back up between their legs, duck a strike, German suplex” to the much easier to execute and infinitely doper Dick Togo senton from the top. Not that the snap German isn’t cool, but that’s a transitional move. Dick Togo senton greater-than.
Most of the match is devoted to putting over Tozawa’s upcoming street fight with Brian Kendrick on 205 Live and running commentary from Kendrick, who has sworn to only watch the match in his peripheral vision:
They need to fly me down to the Performance Center to give a “how to watch TV” seminar. Although maybe not during Raw, unless they need the wrestlers to know how to scroll through their phones for three hours and go get Chinese food while Tony Nese is on.
Speaking of nephew, here’s Nese wrestling Austin Aries. If you want to know how good Nese is, Aries has been pretty much the only cruiserweight getting a reaction for the past three months, and watching him wrestle Nese has everyone sitting on their hands.
I honestly loved the finish here, though, with Aries grabbing a guillotine, Nese trying to flapjack him out of it and Aries transitioning straight into the Last Chancery. I dig the story note that Aries can get his submission from almost anywhere, but Neville has to like, slam you down face-first in the middle of the ring to lock on the Rings of Saturn.
After the match, Neville also beats up Nese, because LOL. At this point they should just give Tony a ukulele and a pocket square and call him Mini Drifter.
Best: Golden Oldie
Me when Classic Goldust showed up:
This was great. This is the Goldust we should’ve gotten the second Cody Rhodes left the company. Affable electricity-Tourette friend to all Goldust was a lot of fun and worked when we needed to see him as a “real person” with connections to his brother and his dad, but now that we don’t need that, I am all-in on the return of the pansexual predator Oscar statue.
(Now bring back the wig.)
(And repackage Summer Rae as Marlena.)
(And do an in-home interview with a broken old Ahmed Johnson who still can’t get over the mental torture Goldust put him through.)
(with a translator)
Worst: A Short Revolution
My biggest actual criticism for this Raw (besides “nothing happened,” which is pretty common) is that almost all of the matches were super short. Four matches were under three minutes long, and another two were less than five. Both women’s matches were less than three.
The first of those was Alicia Fox vs. Sasha Banks, the third Alicia Fox vs. Sasha Banks match we’ve gotten in a row because Alicia accidentally got her shoulder up and we had to make a whole thing about it. It’s prefaced by an unbelievably horrible Noam Dar promo that’s almost as bad as his haircut and his outer space bed sheets warmup jacket, and followed by Fox and Dar getting the jump on Sasha (after she beats Fox with a strong corner grapple, not even a special) to set up Fox and Dar vs. Banks and Blank for the Extreme Rules Kickoff. I’m guessing this’ll be Cedric Alexander, or maybe Bayley wearing a stick-on goatee.
The second women’s match of the night is Raw Women’s Champion Alexa Bliss vs. Mickie James. Jump to the 1:15 mark in the video (seriously) for the finish. It’s so weird. Bliss hits James with a DDT, but the slap on the back before it is louder than the actual move. LOUD SLAP, silence. I’ve heard AJ Lee bumps that made more noise than that.
After the match, Mickie gets attacked with a kendo stick so Bayley can run out and prove she “can get extreme” by holding one. Some of these stories don’t really need a month of shows to tell. Imagine how much better Raw would be if it wasn’t three hours long, and this creative team didn’t have to use four three-hour shows to tell the stories for one live special.
Worst: Kalisto And Apollo Crews, Brothers In Athletic Apathy
Also happening (possibly) is Apollo Crews vs. Kalisto, set up by a backstage segment in which Kalisto attempts to speak functional English to Crews, who attempts to react like a human being. They’re interrupted by LaVar “Titus O’Neil” Ball, who incorrectly assumes Kalisto wants to join the Titus Brand and then gets mad about it. They have a match, in which Titus distracts Crews with his constant yelling and allows Kalisto to get the best of him.
I know you’re looking to me for analysis, but my write-up of this match could’ve been “Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, eating her curds and whey” and it would’ve said everything you need to know. This story makes the plot developments between the Teletubbies and the laughing sun baby look like The Wire.
Best: The Beast Vs. The Demon
Please (please please please please please please please please please please) have this Paul Heyman promo and the following match against Karl Anderson set up the formation of the Bálor Club with Heyman as the mouthpiece, and Paul turning on Lesnar to transition the belt to Finn. I know that’s such a fucking pipe dream, but man, you’d improve everyone involved. You’d:
- give Finn Bálor someone to talk him up and cut promos for him, which he desperately needs
- give The Club a purpose, any purpose at all
- give Paul Heyman clients that would allow him to actually be part of Raw
- create an excuse for Lesnar to lose to somebody Finn’s size, because he got jumped by 3-4 dudes
- babyface Brock Lesnar, which could be a fun and easy way to give him a fun final run before he’s completely bored again and leaves
- all the merch sales in the world
Plus, Heyman’s got a long track record of turning on people when he perceives they’ve outlived their usefulness or compliance. Man, can you think of something better for WWE right now than jamming together the Bullet Club and the Dangerous Alliance?
Best/Worst: Holla Holla
Raw opens with a Bray Wyatt promo that would’ve been amazing if the previous three years of him being a bug-wielding garbage can character hadn’t happened. He’s interrupted by Roman Reigns, who wants to remind us that this is His Yard™. They almost come to blows, so Kurt Angle shows up for some gentle waving and announces that Roman Reigns will face Bray Wyatt right here, right now.
They do their thing for a few minutes until Samoa Joe runs in, causing a disqualification. That brings out Seth Rollins! So Kurt Angle makes another shocking decision: in tonight’s main event, the singles match that opened the show will become a TAG TEAM MATCH (gasp) with Roman Reigns and Seth Rollins teaming up against Bray Wyatt and Samoa Joe. So basically it was the Teddy Long “everyone gets into a fight, so let’s put them all in a match” opening segment with four-ish minutes of a match wedged into the middle.
The fight ends with the theme to Extreme Rules randomly playing, which might be the corniest butt-rock song I’ve ever heard. I was really hoping it was Finn’s new music.
If that wasn’t predictable enough, the main event ends when Roman Reigns accidentally hits Seth Rollins, allowing Joe to choke Rollins out and win the match. Like, I don’t want to shade this too much (because it wasn’t the lazy Susan of revolving singles matches I figured it would be, and it almost was), but there’s no way this Raw wasn’t somebody’s first draft turned in on Monday afternoon. Or it wasn’t Vince throwing whatever that draft was in the garbage, saying “here’s what I know works,” and doing the most basic episode of WWE TV possible. This WWE episode format will be around forever. Nuclear winter will be a bunch of cockroaches sitting around a barrel of radioactive waste watching two guys yell at each other through microphones, somebody interrupt to fight one of them, somebody run out to make a save and all four of them getting put into a match.
It is what it is. Extreme Rules should be fun. I’m just trying to figure out how we got to a version of WWE where Jinder Mahal’s more interesting and important than Seth Rollins, Roman Reigns, Bray Wyatt and Samoa Joe.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night
TheBrokenMSol
Samoa Joe thinks he’s so tough putting Seth to sleep. Pffft, that’s nothing. Bray put this entire crowd to sleep 15 minutes ago.
Amaterasu’s Son
Seth failed the second step of his Quick Time Event.
Endy_Mion
So it’s the chubby sociopaths vs the wet hair club for men.
Cami
That lockdown at extreme rules looks to be lethal.
The Real Birdman
Sheamus should win and pick House of Horrors as the match for ultimate heel heat
Frank Ducks
Booker says Sheamus is trying to soften Matt Hardy up? I’d say fried chicken has already done the job.
Mr. Bliss
Don’t feel bad, Apollo, that kid beat Braun Strowman too
Munkee
Needs more Marlena.
LUNI_TUNZ
The club should be trying to get in with Heyman, after all their theme already starts with his name.
Clay Quartermain
That music was so bad, Roddy Strong could have come out to it
That’s it for this week. Thanks for reading as always, and I appreciate you checking out the column and sharing it even though nothing’s happening.
Join us next week for the good stuff: Goldust, the miraculous upswing of The Drifter and the possible return of TOP GUYS.
