Pre-show notes:
– Click here to watch this week’s episode on WWE Network. You should also watch Clash of the Champions XXXIII, and by “watch” I mean “watch Malenko vs. Mysterio and skim the rest.”
– If you’d like to read about previous episodes, check out the WCW Monday Nitro tag page.
– In case you missed it, the retro Best and Worst of WWF Monday Night Raw column has jumped ahead to 1996. The episode that aired against this week’s show will be posted on Monday.
– With Spandex is on Twitter, so follow it. Follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook. You can also follow me on Twitter.
Up first, a clash. Of champions.
Before We Begin
Here’s what you need to know about Clash Of The Champions XXXIII, live from Denver, Colorado. Over/under on Tony Schiavone saying “the mile-high city” set at 50.
Eddie Guerrero Is The New Lord Of The Ring
You may not have realized it because it’s a f*cking class ring from Jostens, but the ring Diamond Dallas Page won at Slamboree is a defendable championship. Eddie Guerrero pins him with a frog splash at the Clash and becomes the new “Lord of the Ring.” DDP responds with the first instance of the “handshake WHOOPS I PULLED YOU INTO A DIAMOND CUTTER” gag, and delivers a second Cutter off the ropes when Chavo shows up and tries to stop him.
Surprisingly, Page get a huge, babyface reaction. It’s interesting to go back and watch the Nitro and Raw timelines side by side, because as of mid-August, DDP is more Stone Cold Steve Austin than Stone Cold Steve Austin. He’s a blue collar guy who pulled himself up from the gutter and started stringing together gutsy victories with his instant-kill cutter finisher. By the the time Nitro rolls around again, people are popping for everything he does and throwing up ten fingers. Pretty soon those hands get tilted in at a 45-degree angle, and the rest is history.
(You just tested that with your hands, didn’t you?)
Chris Benoit Got Squashed (Thanks, Strugis!)
Chris Benoit was the original sadsack smark favorite. They’re never going to admit it (for a series of very good reasons), but everything you see WWE do with Daniel Bryan pre-WrestleMania 30 and Cesaro’s entire career is the Chris Benoit model. You take a guy who the wrestling world observes as objectively the best wrestler in the promotion, come up with some vague reasons why he can’t be “the guy” — in Benoit’s case it was his height and his lack of mic skills, which should sound familiar — then pretend like you’re gonna push them, only to yank it back at the last second. From the summer of ’96 on, almost every Benoit title match tricked us into thinking he was gonna finally break through and become The Man, and almost every Benoit title match let us down. This wasn’t a brief time period, either, I’m talking like 1996-2004.
It happened in non-title matches, too. Any time Benoit started wrestling “out of his league,” they’d bring him crashing back down. At the Clash he faces GIANT, and in your brain you’re like, “Benoit just wrecked Ron Studd and Giant’s young and has a lot of talent, they could probably put together something amazing.” Here’s what they put together: Benoit can’t get his leather vest off, so Giant dropkicks him, chokeslams him and pins him. Yes, Giant Superbrawl Saturday’d him. Giant continues to main event, and Benoit heads back to the first 15 minutes of Nitro to wrestle the British version of Bobby Eaton.
Better luck next time!
Nick Patrick Is Still Not The nWo Referee, We Swear
At Hog Wild, Nick Patrick got bumped by Lex Luger and “accidentally” chop-blocked him, allowing The Outsiders to defeat WCW. Two days later on Nitro, Patrick visibly pulls Scott Hall out of the way of a Stinger Splash and leaves with the nWo, but there’s still a “mystery.” Instead of being all, “yes, Nick Patrick is clearly a part of the New World Order,” everyone’s caught up in an argument about whether or not he’s a competent referee. The announce team spends the entire Clash and the entirety of the next Nitro analyzing his count speeds, and being like, “oh he counted a normal 2-count in this Marcus Bagwell/Stevie Ray pinfall attempt, that must mean he’s fine.” HE CHOP BLOCKED LEX LUGER AND STOPPED A STINGER SPLASH AND LEFT WITH HALL AND NASH. WHY ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT HE’S IN POSITION.
Anyway, at Clash of the Champions, Nick Patrick’s latest problem happens during the finish of the triple threat for the Tag Team Championships. Scott Steiner hits a Frankensteiner and goes for a pin. Patrick counts one, counts two, then notices Scott Hall and Kevin Nash way up the ramp, beating up the other participants in the match. Instead of counting “three,” Patrick calls for a disqualification. So … who’d he disqualify? The Outsiders? They weren’t even in the match. If you’ve ever played a triple threat in a video game, you know that sh*t is No-DQ for a reason.
Mean Gene stops him on the ramp to be all, “WTF Nick Patrick,” and Patrick delivers a wonderfully funny promo about how the defining characteristic of a great referee is the ability to see two things at once. Welp, I guess Nick Patrick joins goober Lex Luger on my list of things I hated in 1996 but love now.
Ric Flair Made Hollywood Hulk Hogan Submit, But An nWo Attack Negated The Entire Thing
Flair takes on Hollywood Hogan for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship in the main event, and it ends with Hogan giving up in the figure-four. Of course, while he’s doing that he’s also grabbing referee Randy Anderson and like, judo throwing him into the corner somehow, so the ref’s knocked out and nothing counts. That brings in The Outsiders, which brings in Sting and Luger, and everything gets thrown out. Tony Schiavone can’t stop insisting that Hogan gave up, but without multiple cameras to catch the action, the working ears of a pre-concussion referee, his opponent in the ring and the 10,000 people sitting around it in a circle watching, how are we to know?
This Week’s Pepe Costume: Valet
And now, the Best and Worst of WCW Monday Nitro for August 19, 1996.
Worst: A Tale Of Two Tapes
Oh, one more thing that happened at Clash of the Champions: cheating-ass, trifling-ass Jim Duggan got hoist by his own petard.
Duggan wrestled VK Wallstreet and couldn’t possibly beat him with normal wrestling moves, so he pulled a roll of tapes out of his drawers and started wrapping his hand. The referee got involved and stopped him, because if you want to tape your fists for a fight, you can legally do it before the match, but you can’t like, do arts and crafts in the middle of the f*cking ring. That got Duggan and the referee tangled up in tape, and Wallstreet rolled them both up. Despite this being the most awkward moment in human history, the referee counted the three.
Because he can’t even get his comeuppance for a full week, Duggan gets a rematch against Wallstreet on Nitro. Again, Duggan goes into the trunks and pulls out a roll of tape. Once again, the referee stops him. Wallstreet manages to pull the tape away from the ref and start wrapping his hands (because he’s the babyface here, and giving Duggan a taste of his own medicine), but WHOOPS, DUGGAN CAN’T TASTE SH*T because he’s gone BACK into the trunks and pulled out a SECOND ROLL OF TAPE. Yes, Hacksaw Jim Duggan’s dick is an Office Max.
So yeah, Duggan’s underwear is a goddamn Tickle-Trunk full of athletic tape and he gets quite possibly the cheatingest, most trifling victory of his life. Unreal.
After the match, he makes it even worse by shooting on Hulk Hogan, calling him “Terry” so you know he MEANS IT. He gets interrupted by the Macho Man Randy Savage, who is for real interrupting for no reason, like he just looked up and saw a ring with Jim Duggan in it and assumed it was empty. Savage wants a shot at the Giant, because he’s feuding with the Dungeon of Doom now. Duggan just kinda goes “…?” and disappears to the back, where I assume he’s wrapping his ham-fists in duct tape and punching out babies in strollers to take their candy.
Best: Benoit Takes Bobby Eaton To The Woodshed
If you’re wondering, that’s a picture of Earl Robert Eaton dropping maybe the worst guillotine leg drop you’ve ever seen on Benoit. We should forgive it, though, because the 5 minutes before it are Benoit hitting him in the face as hard as possible, and poor Beautiful Bobby just kinda crawling around trying to think of a British way to say, “I’m gettin’ too old for this sh*t.”
In a way, Bobby was once Benoit. He was the ugly little guy with a mullet who was secretly one of the best workers in the promotion, building up enough cred in a constant string of losing efforts to challenge for the World Championship. He lost, because of course he did, but he looked great. He didn’t have any charisma on the microphone, though, so they put him in a cool heel stable. Benoit, right? They even tagged them together during Benoit’s first stint in WCW in the early ’90s.
Bob’s out of his league at this point in his career, though, and it shows. Still, all the love in the world for his punches, which might be the best ever. If you weren’t around for early-90s WCW, go back and watch anything with Eaton in his prime. It’s worth your time, trust me.
Best: Disco Inferno And The Perfect Moment
The next match is Scott Norton vs. Disco Inferno. I probably don’t need to tell you what happens. I could’ve typed “the next match is Justin Bieber barehanded vs. an actual grizzly bear” and the result would’ve been the same.
That said, Disco’s entrance features a moment that perfectly encapsulates 1996 in my brain. Disco Inferno, on Nitro, doing the Macarena. BEHOLD:
A quick reference guide for Millennials: If you aren’t familiar with The Macarena, it was a mid-90s dance craze that combined the hand-eye coordination of line dancing with the footwork of standing still. White people loved it. To put it in terms you’ll understand, imagine it as Whip/Nae Nae if all you did was whip and Nae Nae, and Silento was two 70-year old Andalusian dudes.
Best: When Ice Train And Teddy Long About To Drop The Hottest Mixtape Of 1996
I don’t know why Teddy Long looks so terrified during this promo, but it cracks me up.
Here’s what you need to know: Ice Train was hanging out “on the online,” talking to all his Soul Trains and Rock ‘n Roll Trains (…okay). Scott Norton attacked him, ruining what was a perfectly good ASL check and ruining Train’s 40-hour download of a preview .wav of ‘The Memory Remains.’ I remember how computers worked in 1996, shut up.
But yeah, no, Ice Train launches into one of those hilarious Ryback-esque promos where he clearly has no idea what to say, but he’s gonna say it anyway, and he’s gonna say it like a WRESTLER. This might even be more 1996 than Disco doing the Macarena.
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Choice quote: “You got to come, hook up and look into my EYES. And then when you look into my EYES, you gonna be face to face, brother, with The Train. And Imma tell ya Norton, hey, I ain’t always gonna be running around here looking like a MOMMY, baby.”
And then Mean Gene says, “boner.”
The look on Train’s face when he realizes he said “mommy” instead of “mummy” is the same one Booker T got when he realized he’d dropped an N-bomb on Hulk Hogan. I love this promo so much. Train should’ve shown up on the next Nitro dressed like Mrs. Doubtfire. Either that, or Norton should’ve kept attacking him and making people wrap him in tape until he was an actual mummy. Maybe time is a flat circle and Ice Train is the Yeti. Why else would a mummy be frozen in ice? HE FELL OFF THE TRAIN. The embalming process would’ve thinned and stretched him out over time, right?
Best/Worst: Lord Steven Regal vs. Dean Malenko
I’m Besting this because it’s f*cking Lord Steven Regal vs. Dean Malenko and it’s 10 minutes of mat wrestling and palm strikes to the face. I’m Worsting it because we take a commercial break like a minute into it and lose 5 of it. I’m surprised they didn’t shoot off the Nitro hour 2 fireworks during this out of spite.
There’s also that weird thing happening where Dean Malenko is naturally resistant to personality or character growth, so he drifts in and out of being a heel and nobody seems to know what to do. On Thursday he’s trying to break Rey Mysterio’s arm, and on Monday he’s crawling around trying to scrappily recover from European uppercuts. You never really know what to make of him beyond, “it’s Dean Malenko.” The good news is that “Dean Malenko” is an awesome thing to be, so it works. I’d like to know what’s going on in his life or brain, but if he wants to just crucifix Oklahoma roll guys twice his size and pin them, hey, go for it. Just show me all of it, Nitro, take your commercial break during the Jim Duggan match.
Worst: Ric Flair vs. Nitro Hour 2
In one of the worst but least-important Nitro moments ever, Mean Gene interviews the Horsemen as we head into hour 2. Arn does his thing, and when it’s time for Flair to talk, Gene’s like, “we’ve only got 30 seconds!” Flair starts his promo, and despite it being RIC FLAIR, they shoot off the hour 2 fireworks anyway. Flair keeps talking, and Gene tries to take the microphone away. Eric Bischoff even pipes in with “ERRRWE’RE READY!” as if he’s gonna start pointlessly shilling a show we’re already in the f*cking middle of instead of letting one of the greatest talkers in the history of the business talk. It’s INSANE. For whatever reason, differentiating hours 1 and 2 of a 2-hour show with fireworks and bobblehead commentary was the most important thing ever, and they didn’t care what match or speech or personality they were crushing to make it happen.
Worst: The Nasty Boys vs. Public Enemy, Again, Or
Best: Bobby Heenan Giving Public Enemy A Little Real-Talk
Seriously, can’t you take a commercial break here? Can’t you take two? Just go to commercial when you see Public Enemy, and stay at commercial until they set up the table.
The Nasty Boys have another match with Public Enemy in the Sheamus vs. Randy Orton feud of 1996, and it’s the same match they always have. Nobody does anything more athletic than a forearm, they’re dressed like old ladies at a mid-90s flea market and it ends with Public Enemy trying to put the Nasties through a table and whoops, hurting themselves instead. The best part is Bobby Heenan confidently announcing that Public Enemy should be embarrassed to be outsmarted by The Nasty Boys, and yeah, of all the people you want higher than you on the intelligence and speed charts, it shouldn’t be toothless fat guys in puff-paint ponchos.
Everyone’s still obsessed with figuring out which side of the WCW/nWo war the Nasty Boys are on, and their answer is still, “we’re the Nasty Boys! We’re Nasty!” Why don’t we let the nWo have the Nasty Boys and cut our losses? We can find somebody else to bring dollar store chips to the party.
Best: Nick Patrick
Yeah, Nick Patrick is my hero.
Chavo Guerrero Jr. gets a surprise backslide pin on Diamond Dallas Page to avenge his uncle Eddie’s thrashing at the Clash. Page flips out on him after the match, Diamond Cutting him and whipping him with Nick Patrick’s belt. Patrick can’t do anything to stop him, and just starts running around him in circles with his hands in the air. It’s amazing. Randy Anderson has to run out and help, and he is able to immediately take the belt away from Page and force him to back down.
Mean Gene stops Patrick on the ramp to be all, “NO SERIOUSLY WTF NICK PATRICK, HOW YOU GONNA RUN AROUND LIKE AN IDIOT AND LET A REFEREE HALF YOUR SIZE DO THE WORK,” and Patrick launches into another funny promo about how he and Randy Anderson are a great team, and they’ve always got each others’ backs. He claims the only reason people are bothering him now is because THE MEDIA is blowing things out of proportion. The LIBERAL MEDIA is trying to bring down Nick Patrick.
We always make the joke that Nick Patrick looks like Kenny Powers, but I’m starting to wonder if it isn’t the other way around. Will Ferrell’s Eastbound & Down character is just Ric Flair, down to the “woos” … is Kenny Powers just Nick Patrick? Did Danny McBride get his entire schtick from a mid-90s WCW heel referee? Do I need to go back through that show and find analogous characters for everyone?
Worst: Harlem Heat Can’t Just Win A Damn Match
Harlem Heat doesn’t need a plantation sex riot or whatever to beat the American Males this week, but they do have to distract the referee and shove Marcus Alexander Bagwell in the butthole to win. I don’t know. Somebody at WCW was like, “hey, we’ve got this tag team of muscular, athletic guys and they’re both 6-foot-5, how could they ever beat SCOTTY RIGGS in a fair fight??”
The highlight of the match is the announce team putting over Bagwell getting a big role in a movie, which turned out to be his turn as THE WARRIOR in Day Of The Warrior. If you haven’t seen it, Bagwell is a cartel-running Tatanka who can only be stopped by Penthouse Pets with machine guns. If that made you say, “holy sh*t I have to WATCH THAT” to your computer, congratulations, it’s an entire franchise. Imagine if Troma made Ernest movies, but Ernest was supposed to be a bad-ass. Enjoy (?).
Best: Sting Is Stupid
War Games (THE MATCH BEYOND) is coming up, and Sting has a plan: he wants to team up with THE FOUR HORSEMEN and LEX LUGER because he is the stupidest fictional character in history. He doesn’t think ANYTHING WILL GO WRONG teaming up with the guys who’ve spent 10 years tricking him into being their friend just to beat him up, and his tag team partner, a secret heel who is always also plotting to beat him up. Sting brought that mime sabbatical on himself, man.
I mean, look at Ric Flair’s face when Sting says they should be partners.
COME ON.
Everybody takes turns cutting the same promo. “I don’t like you and you don’t like me, but you’re great at stuff, and we should be partners … but I’m not gonna like it, and if you turn on me, I’m gonna beat you up at a later date.” Four times. They’ve also got to clear it with Chris Benoit and Steve McMichael, who are being benched so these dippy babyfaces who’ve already failed to beat the nWo twice can take their spots and fail again. It goes on so long that Woman and Miss Elizabeth start having a personal conversation in the background.
Man, imagine if The Horsemen had said no, and Sting never went into War Games. He (20-year old spoiler alert) wouldn’t have been replaced with a low-rent doppelgänger, which wouldn’t have led to his loyalty being questioned for the millionth time, which wouldn’t have forced him to turn into the Crow and hang out in the rafters for a year. That would’ve changed the trajectory of EVERYTHING. Did the nWo have a backup plan? Would War Games have featured a run-in from a fake Mongo? Kevin Greene in a Bears jacket and a witch wig? Would MONGO be facing Seth Rollins for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship at Night Of Champions in 2015?
Best: Hall & Nash In Rome
When you’ve spent 20 years making angry faces at Kevin Nash, you forget how fun and irreverent a lot of this early nWo stuff was. It’s easy to see why we all bought into it. Hall and Nash find some steps in Denver, claim they’re in “Rome,” and spend a few minutes hanging out and making fun of everything. They make fun of Sting’s hair — “nice hairdo, Sting” — and say that Lex Luger reminds them of Mr. Ed. And look, I retroactively can’t stand these guys as much as the next bitter smark, but I’m not gonna not laugh when someone compares Luger to a talking horse.
Worst: Macho Man Is Re-Doing Hulk Hogan’s Feuds From 6 Months Ago
Remember several months ago when Hulk Hogan was feuding with The Giant and the Dungeon of Doom, and the entire feud was based around him beating them all up at once? He’d get a chair, they’d run out one at a time and he’d chairshot them like he was trying to close a George Foreman grill. That’s what Savage is doing here. He got beaten up at the Clash, so now he’s locked in a blood feud with these goofy supervillain also-rans, despite the threat of the New World Order looming over everyone. Savage is so weird right now. He basically only exists to get beaten up by whichever heel faction is in front of him, and then he gets title shots.
To make matters worse, Randy Anderson doesn’t actually call off the match until Savage gets overwhelmed by the Dungeon and runs away. This includes Savage blatantly hitting Giant in the face with a chair in front of him, and interference from like five people. Where’s Mean Gene to pull Pee-wee aside and say, “WTF RANDY ANDERSON?”
And What Of Glacier?
He’s still coming. He called me a few minutes ago and said he’s on his way.
