Apparently his pants exploding on Raw has driven Batista to go full-hobo. Tight clothes, loose clothes, Batista always brings the tasteless.
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Okay, on we go…
Best: Being Concerned About Things We Shouldn’t Be Concerned About
My “Batista is actually good” campaign doesn’t seem to be gaining much traction, probably because the guy only seems to be good on Smackdown. On Raw he stutters out lines about Randy Orton being the ASS of the company and people drooling on Stephanie, while on Smackdown he’s an excellent, swaggering, self-deluding super-heel.
Batista, dressed as Oliver Travis Bickle, kicked the show off in fine self-aggrandizing fashion, and then Triple H came out for a smirk-off. Batista said Triple H married his way to success and Triple H smirked, then Triple H accused Batista of being a lazy, cream puff movie star and Batista smirked. Usually this kind of insider burial stuff would drive me crazy, but when the two tearing each other down are all-round swell guys like Triple H and Batista, let ’em have at it I say.
My one issue with the opening segment was Triple H demanding that Batista bring the real Animal back — this is the real animal. Aside from that one Wrestlemania Undertaker match, Batista has always been the egotistical guy with the show muscles who’s kind of lazy and lacking in fortitude when the chips are down. That’s fine, that’s a good heel character, but I’ve never thought Big Dave was particularly tough or dangerous. He may weigh about as much as Brock Lesnar, but he ain’t Brock Lesnar.
Best: The Shield Can’t Stop Flipping
I’m still not quite used to The Shield being guys who can’t go 10-seconds without flipping onto somebody’s face, but I’m still enjoying it. I also enjoy that after their violent retribution on Raw, they were okay with just besting 3MB and Rybaxel in sanctioned tag matches on Smackdown. Even when they were bad guys The Shield were very respectful of the rules. They won all those six-mans fair and square, and I’m glad their switch to the fiery babyface side of things hasn’t turned them into Sheamus-esque violent, cheating buttholes. All this time we thought The Shield were seeking some sort of higher justice, but honestly I think they just really wanted guys to make proper use of the tag ropes. Rules rule!
Worst: Way To Screw Up The Easiest Job In WWE, Mistico
The original Sin Cara has been fired, which has to be about the saddest thing ever, because Sin Cara had the easiest job in wrestling. He never had to talk, he never had to carry a feud or storyline, he never had to have a match over three minutes — you can just feel Hunico beaming with joy from beneath that mask. He appreciates what a plum gig this is. Speaking of which, new Sin Cara beat Damian Sandow in a minute on Smackdown, a rousing victory that no doubt send hundreds of kids immediately running to the merch stand for Sin Cara masks. Easiest job in wrestling, Mistico (you dink).
Worst: Okay, Goldust And Fandango Have Proven They Can Play Together, Your Point Is Made
A couple weeks ago on Raw Goldust and Fandango were having an unremarkable match, then all of a sudden Goldust was bleeding from the temple, unable to go up for suplexes and looking like he wanted to mete out leathery old wrestler justice on Fandango.
Given how poorly that match went, you’d think WWE would avoid putting them together again, but nope! Instead WWE seems to be intent on booking Goldust/Fandango again and again until they learn how to play nice with each other. This match went much more smoothly than the initial Raw match, but it was still dull as s–t, so is it okay if we just say lesson learned and move on at this point?
Best: Are You Happy Now?
Batista/Sheamus wasn’t great, but it was solid — a good contrast between legit scary clubber-monster Sheamus and “don’t hit the face” Batista. Even the chairshot DQ ending wasn’t terribly galling. It felt like an extension of Batista’s cowardly character as opposed to a cop-out, and thankfully the match only went five minutes before the DQ instead of 10 or 15 as is often the case. Also the asshole area of Batista’s trunks remained intact when he did the powerbomb, so yeah, definitely could have been worse.
Worst: Nope, Still Don’t Care
Your sword has left a scar on John Cena’s soul that can never heal huh? Hmmm, nooo, I’m pretty sure you just turned out the lights, tied his arms in the ropes and gave him a free novelty sheep mask. I mean, I hope having your arms tied in the ropes doesn’t result in soul scarring — imagine the state of poor Andre The Giant’s soul if that were true.
Worst: Vickie Wants To F–k JBL
Uh, so, The Bellas and AJ/Tamina had a tag match, which was mostly notable for Nikki Bella’s hideously garish yellow highlighter colored gear. Are Nikki’s breasts getting bigger by the week? They certainly appear to be. Does John Cena dust off his shoulder and fist drop of new syringe of silicone into those things every night before bed?
Anyways, the real story was Vickie and JBL revealing they totally want to bang on commentary. There was flirting, there was innuendo about JBL “wanting to work in Vickie’s office”. It was pretty uncomfortable, but it turns out the mental image of JBL pumping away in Vickie’s “office” was only the genital shrivelling appetizer…
Worst: Meanwhile At Chez Green Beans
Noooo. Nooonononono…last week Santino made reference to a date he went on with Emma on, I dunno, Main Event or something, and I was so, so, so relieved that I missed it. But now, here they are again, back at another “fancy restaurant” (aka a futon pushed into some random corner backstage). Are they showing the first date again just to screw with me? Are they going on another date? This s–t is unacceptable.
Sigh, so, a waiter approaches with two plates, each containing a miniature haystack of green beans and what appears to be a large colorless chunk of pure gristle. Emma makes a comment about Santino being the “ultimate friend with benefits” and Santino’s all, “My-a wiener, she’s-a al dente!” but it turns out Emma doesn’t understand what friends with benefits means! She thinks the benefit being referred to in friends with benefits is access to mounds of green beans, because she’s very stupid. Hohoho! Ahhhh…what the f–k is going on here?
Listen, last week’s Santemma segment (Santemma sounds like a medical term for a bladder infection, so I’m hoping it sticks) was nauseating, but if you’re going to do this, Santino has to be the naive one. It’s gross either way, but Santino making boner faces when he thinks he’s tricked a mildly retarded woman into becoming his sex friend is super extra gross.
So yeah, up until now this segment has been pretty icky, but now it gets downright bizarre. Santino looks into Emma’s eyes, and for some reason this causes him to become nauseated, so Emma gives him some wine to calm him down and he spits it in her face then starts vomiting. At least Santino only spewed wine on Emma instead spewing, uh, spew, because you know that’s what HE’S GONNA PUKE McMahon originally wanted.
What kind of sick f–king sociopath writes this stuff?
“Santino looks deep into Emma’s beautiful eyes. For the first time in a long time he feels the stirrings of true love deep in his heart. This causes him to vomit.”
Hmmm, this whole “love/lust = vomit” thing really shines a stark new light on Titus O’Neil barfing on Michael Cole a while back.
Best: Jack Swagger Outwrestled Somebody?
No, really! He made somebody tap out to his finishing submission maneuver and stood over them the better man! When was the last time that happened? I honestly can’t remember. When The Real Americans win it’s always Cesaro’s doing, or if Swagger does pick up the win, it’s just some sort of roll-up nonsense.
Who’d a thunk it — when the massive master of amateur wrestling beats a guy clean with a wrestling hold all the humiliation and jobbing washes away and the dude immediately seems credible as hell again. Funny how that works.
Worst: The Miz is Wrestling Who Now?
The closer we get to Wrestlemania the more stuff WWE tries to cram into Raw and Smackdown. The difference is, the extra Raw stuff is usually important, while the extra Smackdown stuff is The Miz vs. Mark Henry. Who in the world thought this match was a good idea? Who in the world thought Mark Henry selling for The Miz for even a millisecond was a good idea? Who?
Worst: So Good Of Big Show To Balance Precariously On Bray’s Knee Like That
I thought for sure the copy of Smackdown I was watching was going to cut off early, because this match didn’t start until literally five minutes before the end of the show. Thankfully (?) it didn’t, and they were smart to keep things short — as I’ve mentioned, Bray is quite good when he faces a small, springy guys who can bounce off him and not so good against the bigger guys, and Big Show is the biggest guy of them all.
The ending, Bray Wyatt Sister Abigail-ing the Big Show, was cool in theory, but required far too much complicity on Big Show’s part. I’ve seen less coordinated efforts between guys carrying a sectional up a narrow apartment stairwell — it’s hard to buy into a move when one guy spends 10-seconds gingerly lowering himself onto his opponent’s leg beforehand. But hey, Bray pinned a giant! That’s something! Unfortunately for him, his opponent at Wrestlemania is a far larger obstacle.