Chris Jericho turns 45 today. Using a bit of shoddy logic to connect my Tinder bio being the Dusty Rhodes “Hard Times” promo to the Sapphire anniversary — that’s 45 years if you’re picking up what I’m laying down — I somehow decided it would be a genius idea to co-opt some Y2J quotes for my own romantic gain. It’s a great way to honor the Ayatollah of Rocknrolla while also seeing how many horrified men I can get to unmatch me when I change my profile into this obscene monstrosity:
Unsurprisingly, I was unmatched en masse when I whipped out my “welcome to Tinder is April” line, complete with emoji flexing arms. Some guys simply can’t get down with a strong female masquerading as the man of 1,004 holds, though I did get one kind reply from my efforts before radio silence.
Two men had the guts to take me up on my quest to become the biggest mark on Tinder. Poor, poor Gregory didn’t know what hit him when I whipped out the “twisted steel and sex appeal” line.
I also failed on my end a bit by not calling him an idiot when he asked where I was from, and I erroneously answered “Winnipeg.” If any of you Canadians can somehow decipher just what a “winniehtoe” is, I’d greatly appreciate it.
There was one man who caught on to my snarky marking, after I’d initially messaged him with a speech bubble emoji because even on my best days, I’m still rude as hell on Tinder. Somehow that constitutes writing out a fake origin story and making me out to be more interesting than I actually am, which is perfect for all you Jerichoholics out there with a little imagination.
My fatal flaw was breaking kayfabe, but I may have found true love on Jericho’s special day. Should I thank the savior, the king of bling bling, the man, the living legend himself? Probably. Will he accept my gratitude? It will neeeeeever, eeeeever happen and that’s perfectly okay.
