If you’re wondering what that high-pitched squealing you’ve been hearing all day is, we can confirm that it’s the world’s smallest violin playing for Goldberg. The 50-year-old Universal Champion has been training to get back in a WWE ring, and he’s not exactly the biggest fan of the regimen.
I’ll be honest, I’m miserable. I’m absolutely miserable. But my family’s having fun, man. And so, every single thing, every training session, every ART massage that makes me cry, every muay thai session, it’s all worth it, man. It’s just worth it. And, hey, at the end of the day, if I want to smile, I’ll buy a car. That’s how I’m happy. I did, I bought one on the way back from [Survivor Series in] Toronto because I worked my ass off.
I mean, isn’t that what we all do? I have crippling depression and like seventy cars. Totally relatable.
He further explains that the pressure to look the same as he used to is the driving force behind torturing himself to get in shape. He also complains that he poops all day because of his crazy pre-WrestleMania diet, but look, my dude, you’re 50. Soon pooping all day is all you’ll do.
The Universal Champion also related a story about how trying to be the same as he was before ended up knocking him out:
My way of getting ready, you know me, man. They knock on my door, I pour water on my head, so I don’t catch on fire from the sparks, and I headbutt the door. I’m a neanderthal. That’s what I do, right? I get in the ring, man, and I literally forgot every single thing that I was supposed to say, and the cameraman throws me a towel. And I’m like, ‘what is this towel for?’ I mean, I know I sweat a lot, but I’ve got blood dripping down my forehead and I had no idea, man.
Maybe you should go talk to a Mercedes dealer about it, champ.