Well, there’s a headline I never expected to write.
As you may have heard from your friends rushing to be the first in your circle to make the “Eat Fresh” joke, authorities raided the home of Subway spokesman Jared Fogle on Tuesday morning for connection with an ongoing child-pornography investigation. Russell Taylor, director of Fogle’s Jared Foundation, was arrested in April after being allegedly found with more than 500 videos.
Subway’s Jared has made numerous appearances on WWE television, so today we’re going to look back at as many of those as we can remember. If Jared showed up in the front row at Night Of Champions to wave to the crowd or something, we apologize for leaving it out.
2006: So Much Meat
The earliest Jared/WWE connections come from early in John Cena’s WWE Championship career, when he popped up in a pair of Subway commercials. In the first (and unfortunately most topical), Cena gets jealous of a child’s double-meat sandwich from Subway Restaurants and agrees to trade him an appearance at his next birthday party. It ends with Cena covered in children, yelling I CAN’T RESIST THAT DOUBLE MEAT.
Cena also shows up alongside Jared on Jared’s home turf to once again shill the double meat. This time they do a Miller Lite “great taste/less filling” joke, and Big Sandwich John stares Jared down for not appreciating the amount of meat present. I was hoping for a “some a y’all like Subway sandwiches and some a y’all don’t, that’s OK” from Cena, but I guess that comes later.
2009: Ring Announcer
In 2009, Jared popped up on Raw as the guest ring announcer for Mickie James vs. Maryse. Sorry, “Maurice.” Mickie wins, and Jerry Lawler suggests that she’s also won “the lifetime uh, Subways. Footlongs.” Nailed it.
2010: Best Sandwiches In The World
The Feb. 8, 2010, episode of WWE Raw featured two celebrity guests: NASCAR’s Carl Edwards and Subway’s Jared. Jared gets to interact with Santino Marella — WWE’s most notable Subway enthusiast — but the most memorable moment comes during a promo from CM Punk and the Straight Edge Society.
If you think of Jared in WWE, you think of Punk telling Luke and Serena to “go get him Jared From Subway.” The idea is that Punk’s been shaving peoples’ heads to make them his obedient followers, and he wants Jared as his Minster of Propaganda. If he can convince people that eating low-quality meatball subs can make them lose hundreds of pounds, he can convince wrestling fans that drugs and alcohol are bad, right?
And now would be the time during the show, when those of you at home would place your hand upon your television screen, and you would look to me to save one lost soul here in Lafayette and luckily we have a “celebrity” in the house. I’m of course talking about Jared from Subway. Yes Jared, please, please stand up! You know, Jared – you actually kinda remind yourself of me. You preach to millions of people, and those millions of people look up to you and they follow in your footsteps. But Jared I’ll be honest, the SES is looking for a good minister of propaganda. And while you’re a great spokesperson for Subway you’d be so much better on this side of the fence. That’s right, I’m looking at you to be the spokesperson for the SES. What do you say? You don’t wanna come into the ring and raise your hand and accept CM Punk as your savior? I had a feeling that you would say no Jared, that’s why I’m prepared to make an example out of you. And I’m gonna make an example out of you right now. Luke, Serena, go get me Jared from Subway …
Unfortunately, an appearance from D-Generation X kept us from a bald, subservient Jared.
2011: Subway Sucks
On the Aug. 15, 2011, episode of Raw, Jared runs afoul of another WWE heel: The Miz.
The Miz believes he’s got enough Hollywood star power to do anything, including be a better spokesman for Subway than “The Subway Guy.” Jared’s in the front row again, this time holding a wrapped foot-long sub, so Miz snatches it from him and cuts a sandwich promo.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the WWE Universe, I want you to go to Subway, and I want you to get the new Oven-Crisp Chicken Sandwich. All the deep flavor without the deep fryer! Merely 7 grams of fat. Tasty, crisp chicken that’s baked, never friend. Enjoy! BAM, that is better than anything you’ve EVER done!”
The Miz gets “over crisp chicken” trending, and a “SUBWAY SUCKS” chant breaks out. Win-win?
2012: Feed Me More
On Sept. 7, 2012, the relationship between Jared and WWE reaches its logical conclusion. Jared shows up to celebrate Subway’s birthday and “feed the WWE Superstars.” He gives R-Truth and Kofi Kingston turkey-breast subs, but has to give them a third for their invisible child friend. Damien Sandow shows up to pitch “The Damien Sandow” — a magnificent amalgamation of Cornish game hen, Gouda cheese and zucchini reduction, served on lightly toasted, fresh bread, sure to satiate even the most intractable appetite — and Jared shoos him away with a meatball marinara. This is arguably the first crack in Damien Sandow’s persona, because good lord, why would Damien Sandow be OK with a meatball sub?
Zack Ryder pops in to pitch the “Woo woo woo you know it sub” because he has the creativity of a bucket of dirt, so Jared’s like, “here, have free food” and Ryder disappears. That all builds to an appearance from Ryback, who takes two Subway BMTs because he’s (apparently) very hungry.
It’s a shame that we may never see Jared pop up again on WWE television. Let’s hope that Twix cops, the Popeye’s lady and the loving gay couple from the Sonic commercials all stay out of trouble.