The Opening Of The Hulk Hogan Vs. Gawker Trial Was Predictably Bananas

Hulk Hogan is finally getting his day in court, and folks, sh*t is already getting weird. Some background: The Hulkster is currently seeking $100 million in damages from the website Gawker for posting an edited version of his sex tape without his consent. Gawker contends that the post with the video of Hogan giving his best friend’s wife the third leg-drop is protected speech under the First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution. If that doesn’t sound messy enough (ew, not that part), Hogan was subsequently released from WWE and removed from its Hall of Fame due to his mega-racist pillow talk. Hogan went on a media tour begging forgiveness, blaming his use of the words on his rough upbringing in Tampa. That was later refuted by his neighbors and former residents of the area, because a firm grip on reality might not be Hogan’s strongest asset.

For decades Hogan has been one of the biggest names in sports, entertainment, or sports entertainment in the world, so it’s no surprise that selecting an unbiased jury proved…difficult:

While a good number identified themselves as having strong morals, mostly rooted in their Christian faith, some had more uh, questionable beliefs:

The jury pool was just full of brave souls, like this one lady willing to do whatever it took in the name of justice:

Once jury selection was complete, Monday morning brought with it opening statements. Real trials aren’t like they seem on TV, folks. No hyperbolic, dramatic statements, and…wait, I’m sorry, Gawker’s attorney did what now?

During the defense opening, Gawker lawyer Michael Berry attacked Hogan’s suit as a naked grab for “lots and lots of money,” and contended that company founder Nick Denton had acted with the purest of motives.

Berry noted that Denton’s mom was a Hungarian Jew “who survived the Nazis” before escaping the Soviet occupation and fleeing to England at age 18.

“Mr. Denton grew up with parents who’ve seen first-hand what happens when speech is suppressed,” Berry said.

“He wants the public to have the simple, unvarnished truth … the unvarnished truth about public figures.”

Whoa, maybe we did get it all wrong, and World War II really was all about dicks.

There’s much more to unpack from the trial thus far, and believe me when I say we’ll be making jokes about it the whole time. Stay tuned, folks, because this is going to be an even bigger mess than – whoa, ew again!