Hulk Hogan’s In Training For A Terrible Match Against John Cena

On Friday we shared the totally shocking and not-at-all-expected news that Brooke Hogan’s relationship with Phil Costa ended via a big boot and a leg drop from her dad. Today: Hulk Hogan news that will SHOCK YOU TO THE CORE.

According to the great wrestling swami Rajah, Saturday’s meet and greet with Hulk Hogan and Jimmy Hart featured two huge spoilers. Spoiler #1: The Hulkster’s returning to Raw very soon.

Hart mentioned the Hogan on RAW rumors, claiming he didn’t want to spoil anything, but that Hogan fans should watch RAW every week, especially next week.

Spoiler #2: Hulk Hogan is in training and wants to wrestle John Cena before he retires.

Hogan himself spoke about training lately to possibly make a return to the ring, noting that John Cena would be the person he would most like to work with if he is able to wrestle another match.

Our expert analysis:

Okay, actual analysis. Firstly, Hulk Hogan returning to Raw isn’t shocking or surprising anymore. The guy’s a WWE ambassador now … he’s going to periodically show up and asks us if we Know Something Dude and do his poses every few months on and off until the end of time. That’s his job. It’s also not a bad thing. A lot of fans consider “Hulk Hogan” and “pro wrestling” synonymous and will tune in to see him do his thing.

As for the SECOND rumor, that’s just Hulk Hogan talking. The outside of his body still looks fine, but Hulk Hogan’s insides are being held together with dark, orange magics. There’s little chance he’d be medically cleared to compete, especially not at a level deserving of a retirement match. Not that Cena/Hogan would be a catch-as-catch-can classic, but you know what I mean. You don’t want them to advertise HULK HOGAN’S LAST MATCH FOR SERIOUS and have it be him standing still and shoving while Cena bounces around. For anyone thinking this’d be another Hogan vs. Rock situation, remember that that match was at the tail-end of Hogan’s in-ring career and that match happened 12 years ago.

Who knows, though. Maybe they’ll outfit Hogan with a robotic exoskeleton and have him squash Rusev in 20 seconds to end next week’s Raw. You never know. And if there’s one person whose need to be the center of attention can will him to physical miracles, it’s Hulk Hogan.