The Knockout Report 1/3/19: Eat Your Makeup


Impact Wrestling

Hello Impact fans and curious rubberneckers! I’m Elle Collins, and this is the Knockout Report. I’ll fill you in on everything that happens in Impact Wrestling, but I’m always going to lead with the Knockouts Division, because they deserve it. You can follow me on Twitter here, With Spandex here, and Uproxx here. You can watch Impact Wrestling on Pop every Thursday at 10 p.m. Then on Fridays, read this column and share it with everyone you know.

Three weeks ago, Eddie Edwards attacked Moose during his main event match against Brian Cage, and Jordynne Grace just kept winning. Now without further ado, here’s the Knockout Report for January 3, 2019.

Allie Defeated Kiera Hogan

This is a huge turning point in the ongoing saga, and it felt like it got a little bit shortchanged. Going into this, I was thinking that
I’d rather see Dark Allie fight her former friend at Homecoming than on free TV, but here it was anyway. Kiera could have played the drama a bit more once the match got going, but on the other hand that might have detracted from the match itself. These things can be tough to balance, and all in all I though this one worked really well.

Allie in particular is doing really great character work since she fully gave into the darkness. All the screaming and sticking out her tongue really makes her seem like a monster while still seeming like Allie. I also love the way she keeps getting up in the camera’s face, with a big grin on her face and dead, empty eyes. If there’s one thing that’s clear from all the developments since Rosemary’s departure, it’s that Laura Dennis, the woman behind Allie, has some of the best acting skills in pro wrestling. No matter how quickly Allie turned evil, her evil never seems one-note, and that’s impressive.

Inevitably, Allie hits the codebreaker and pins Kiera. Then Su gets in the ring so they can beat her up further, and possibly do even worse things, but Kiera’s not as alone as it seems.

Jordynne Grace Is The Hero Of 2019

I love a good old-fashioned babyface save! Jordynne Grace has never interacted with any of these women on Impact before, but she’s not just going to sit backstage while evil is being done to good people. She knows she’s stronger than Su and Allie put together (at least physically, time will tell if she can stand up to supernatural powers), and she decides to put a stop to their evil. I understand why some fans are getting impatient for Rosemary’s return (I am too, honestly), but in the meantime Jordynne is a perfect addition to this storyline. With Allie fully evil, Kiera desperately needed an ally, and plus this gives Jordynne something to do on her way to the Knockouts Championship scene. Obviously, this set up a tag match at Homecoming, which is going to be excellent.

Meanwhile, In Guyville

Rich Swann, Willie Mack, and the Rascalz defeated Matt Sydal, Ethan Page, and oVe

The first half of the match was pure chaos, like so many 10-man tag matches tend to be. It’s always fun when everybody takes turns diving out of the ring onto a giant pile of guys, but it never feels particularly high stakes. As the match went on, it started to feel more like a real match, culminating with Willie Mack pinning Dave Crist. With all the other baby faces (plus Sydal and Page) lying motionless around ringside, Sami Callihan attacked Willie Mack with a baseball bat and put him through a table with the Crists’ help. Rich Swann got back into the ring to defend his friend, but Sami just stared at him and then led the Crists away rather than attacking. There’s some secret between Rich and Sami, but time will tell what it is.

Old Men Hate Eli Drake

Drake came out to deliver another promo about how hardcore wrestling is bad and he shouldn’t have to fight Abyss at Homecoming. Tommy Dreamer showed up to be beat up Eli, but then Raven appeared from nowhere! For a second it looked like Raven and Tommy might fight, but then they just beat up Eli Drake instead. That’s what happens if you put down hardcore wrestling — old guys will beat you up while crowds chant “ECW!”


KM and Fallah Bahh Defeated Desi Hit Squad

The point of this match was to impress Scarlett Bordeaux, who watched from the stage. Fallah ultimately got the pin, and Scarlett looked impressed for a moment but then she just got up and left instead, because god forbid this story go anywhere anytime soon.

Killer Kross Defeated Trevor Lee

Earlier in the show, Trevor burst into the producers’ office and demanded a match, so they put him in the ring with Kross, who choked him out and then smashed a cinder block against his head to make some kind of point to Johnny Impact. So that’s the end of Trevor Lee in Impact. Way to go out on your back, Caveman.

The Lucha Bros Defeated Brian Cage and Johnny Impact

As Lucha Underground matches go, this one was pretty good, but it’s really all about Brian Cage accidentally(?) punching Johnny Impact and giving Penta and Fenix the win. That leads to a post match brawl that adds some drama to this Sunday’s Impact World Championship match between Brian and Johnny. Sometimes you just do the obvious thing and it works pretty well.

That’s all for this week’s Knockout Report. Join me next week for a rundown of the Homecoming PPV, and after that we’ll see what the future holds.

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