Hello Impact fans and curious rubberneckers! I’m Elle Collins, and this is the Knockout Report. I’ll fill you in on everything that happens in Impact Wrestling, but I’m always going to lead with the Knockouts Division, because they deserve it. You can follow me on Twitter here, With Spandex here, and Uproxx here. You can watch Impact Wrestling on Pop every Thursday at 8 p.m. Then on Fridays, read this column and share it with everyone you know.
Without further ado, here’s the Knockout Report for May 31, 2018. This show was titled Under Pressure, and featured some big matches and two title changes. There were some ups and downs, but it continued the run of great shows Impact has been improbably having recently.
Madison Rayne Defeated Tessa Blanchard
This result was a big surprise. Even though she’s new to the company, I figured Tessa was fixin’ to start running through all of the Knockouts on her way to the title. On reflection, though, giving her a bit more of a feud with Madison is good idea. Not just because there’s already plenty going on in the Knockouts Championship picture (not to mention a new heel champion, but we’ll get to that), but to fully establish her character in the context of a story, rather than just letting her be the Girl with the Chin Who’s Mean to Everyone. Madison’s an Impact veteran, after all, and a great introductory feud for a born star like Tessa.
Anyway, this was a great match. Madison really made Tessa look strong and the victory like a fluke. Madison’s in great shape and knows her way around a ring, but she’s only human. Tessa’s an experimental super-soldier. Madison’s victory — a quick schoolgirl roll-up after Tessa got distracted by an argument with the ref — was so cheap it almost felt heelish even though we’re talking about a very nice lady defeating the meanest woman in the world. That’s okay though, because this definitely isn’t the last match between these two, and I have a feeling Madison’s not going to fare so well in the long run.
Su Yung Defeated Allie In A Last Rites Match To Win The Knockouts Championship
This match, y’all. Oh my god, this match. Pardon my inarticulate moment, but this match rules. They never really pick a lane as to whether she’s possessed by Rosemary, taking on Rosemary’s traits on purpose, or having some kind of psychological breakdown. I think that’s for the best. With her and Su, the story’s really all in their performances, and for commentary or anybody else to explain exactly what’s happening would just take away from the magic. Allie’s entrance here, which starts with her own upbeat music and then switches to Rosemary’s theme when she takes the hood off, genuinely gave me goosebumps.
Allie’s brutal throughout the match, but there’s some delicate about her brutality. She may kind of be Rosemary now, but she’s totally still Allie. This amalgamation is driven home when she yells “We are Allie!” before an attack.
Su is always brutal, of course, but she’s also damaged in ways that we can’t quite comprehend, which can be a hindrance as she occasionally seems to forget where she is. As her character has found a place in Impact, she seems to be gradually developing more of a self. She started as a zombie, but giving her creepy bridesmaids as minions has put her into a leadership role, which makes her less of a wight and more of a Night’s King. Now that she has the Women’s Championship, she seems poised to come into her own even more. I’m not saying she should start talking or anything, but the Blood Princess of Impact Wrestling needs some degree of self-awareness if she’s going to rule.
Su’s Mandible Claw is a thing of viscerally disgusting beauty, and it’s wild just to see anybody using that as their finisher in 2018. Allie sells it like her life force is being magically drained, which makes as much sense as anything in a match like this. It seems likely that Allie may disappear for a couple of weeks at least, since she got casketed and all. The real question is who and what she’ll be when she comes back. In the meantime, it’s going to be interesting to see the normies of the Knockouts division faced with an undead monster who wants to put her fingers in their mouths between them and the Championship.
Meanwhile, In Guyville
Eli Drake Defeated Scott Steiner
For a guy who’s even older than the Undertaker, Scott Steiner still looks pretty intimidating in the ring, especially considering his own physical limitations at this age. Still, I can’t say I’d be disappointed if this loss signals his departure from Impact, at least for a while. Steiner blamed Drake for the end of their short-lived Tag Team Championship run, even though he was the one who accidentally hit Drake with a steel chair in that match. In other words, he earned the much more deliberate steel chair receipt he receives in this match.
Kingston Gave LAX Presents
Say what you will about WWE’s treatment of women and how exciting the Knockouts are by comparison, but at least on WWE TV in 2018 they’re not going to bring out women who are implied to be sex workers, give them to other men as gifts, and refer to them as “pieces of ass.” As a longtime fan of Eddie Kingston’s work in Chikara, I’d heard before that he has a reputation for being pretty gross in other companies, and yeah I’m seeing that now.
Brian Cage Defeated Dezmond Xavier
Xavier got some decent offense in, and gave Cage an actual challenge to rise to for the first time since he arrived in Impact. This match made both opponents look great: Xavier looked strong despite losing, and Cage became a more interesting character, despite winning. After the match, Cage insisted on shaking hands with a barely conscious Xavier.
Sonjay Was Attacked Backstage
X the Eliminator strikes again.
Eddie Is Going To The Woods Because He Wishes To Kill Sami Deliberately
“I’m going to the woods,” Eddie Edwards explained to his wife Alisha, “and I’m going to murder Sami Callahan, and then it’s back to us.” The unsanctioned woodland battle takes place next week. By then, Alisha will have probably taken the kids to her sister’s.
Austin Aries Defeated Pentagon Jr. To Win The World Championship
This match was great. The multiple restarts toward the end could have come off as gimmicky and overbooked (and maybe they were a bit), but Aries and Penta were so great up to that point that it felt earned. One of the interesting things about talent from Lucha Underground crossing over to Impact is that they all seem a bit more human here. It’s hard to imagine Austin Aries beating the Pentagon Jr. who exists in the Lucha Temple, but this Pentagon Jr. is less of a demonic ninja mummy, and more just a very tough guy in a mask. Still, Aries has to fight dirty to win (he is Austin Aries after all), catching Penta with a low blow behind the ref’s back and then hitting a brainbuster for the win. Even if arm-breaking is less of a thing here than on Lucha Underground, Aries had still better watch his back for the next few weeks.
That’s all for this week’s Knockout Report. Join me next week, when we get to watch Eddie Edwards and Sami Callahan murder each other in the woods.
