Hello Impact fans and curious rubberneckers! I’m Elle Collins, and this is the Knockout Report. I’ll fill you in on everything that happens in Impact Wrestling, but I’m always going to lead with the Knockouts Division, because they deserve it. You can follow me on Twitter here, With Spandex here, and Uproxx here. You can watch Impact Wrestling on Pop every Thursday at 8 p.m. (plus Slammiversary on FITE Network this Sunday). Then on Fridays, read this column and share it with everyone you know.
Last week Shotzi Blackheart debuted against Allie, and Austin Aries beat up Moose’s buddy DeAngelo Williams.
Without further ado, here’s the Knockout Report for July 19, 2018.
Madison Rayne’s Time Has Come
Some people watch wrestling for the in-ring work. Some people watch wrestling for the promos or the spectacle. I watch wrestling for people having dreams of their own funerals after being rendered unconscious by a zombie bride in the woods. I know there’s cheesy stuff in this segment, don’t get me wrong, but I loved every second of it. My only critique is that when the creepy little girl appeared and asked where her mother was, it would have been a lot creepier if Madison had said, “But sweetie, I’m your mother!” and the girl had said, “Nuh uh, my mother’s dead!” or something like that. I don’t know how old Madison’s real daughter is or what she looks like, but in this context it would have worked anyway. On the other hand, if Madison just really didn’t want to have a creepy kayfabe zombie daughter, I guess i’m sympathetic to that.
Since Madison Rayne started pursuing the Knockouts championship, I’ve been writing in this space about how she’s just a nice lady and it seems weird for her to go up against a literal supernatural monster. Now it’s much more clear what her role in this horror story is meant to be, or at least it’s down to two. If Su Yung is the evil monster, and Rosemary was the friendly protective monster (RIP), and Allie is the hardened warrior who’s already been through this, Madison is either the victim, or she’s the Final Girl. We’ll find out which on Sunday at Slammiversary. If Madison survives, it will seem like a win. If she somehow actually wins the Knockouts Championship from Su, that’s just going to lead to Su really getting scary.
Allie Does Not Care About Joe Or Tully
In a stairwell promo (I guess that’s a thing), Allie was dismissive of Tessa’s third generation status, saying that all her dad and grandpa could have taught her is how to wrestle, whereas Allie is more than just wrestling. It’s a criticism that deepens Tessa’s character, because when you look at how she behaves, it does kind of seem like she only knows wrestling heel behavior and not actual human behavior. As I’ve mentioned before, this is a woman who’s father and stepfather are best known for stabbing each other in the face with a shard of wood inside a steel cage. As far as Tessa understands, this is how life works: You’re mean to people and then you fight them, and then you’re mean to them some more. Allie understands the importance of friendship and love and respect, and that makes all the difference in the tag team match they had soon after.
Allie and Kiera Hogan Defeated Tessa Blanchard and Shotzi Blackheart
It’s great to see Shotzi again this week, particularly since this is the end of this cycle of tapings, and she’s currently healing from a broken ankle. Naturally Tessa abandoned her when things started going south. Tessa’s a friend to nobody, whereas Allie and Kiera are great friends. Now all I really want for the future is for Shotzi Blackheart to become a full-time Knockout, and return to Impact after she’s recovered seeking brutal revenge on Tessa Blanchard.
I also always enjoy Kiera Hogan (the only Hogan wrestling needs, if you ask me), and I hope that as time goes on she gets more room in the spotlight. Just like Shotzi though, she was given moments to look great in this match, even though right now it’s really all about angry Allie and her upcoming match with Tessa Blanchard. I don’t think I’ve left any doubt after two months of this column that I love Tessa, and her match with Allie is probably the one I’m most excited about going into Slammiversary.
Scarlett Bordeaux is Coming
I don’t know Scarlett Bordeaux, but I’ve heard good things about her as a wrestler. That’s good, because these promo videos they’ve been showing are all about her figure and how hot she is. It feels very Divas Era, but the thing I’m reminding myself is that while every Knockout is beautiful (even Su Yung deep down in her unbeating heart), nobody else is really doing a “hot girl” gimmick at the moment, so sure, we can have one. That’s about as much I can really say until she actually debuts.
Meanwhile, In Guyville
Killer Kross Defeated Petey Williams
Killer Kross is getting the full-on unstoppable monster build, unfortunately for Petey, who tried to hit him with a Canadian Destroyer but couldn’t even get him off the floor, and ended up getting destroyed himself. Before too long Kross is going to run into Cage, and that’s going to be the match to watch.
Desi Hit Squad Defeated KM And Fallah Bah
Fallah and KM’s size advantage helped out at first, but once Gama Singh distracted the ref and gave Rohit and Gursinder a change to team up on Fallah so Gursinder can roll him up. We’re still in the early stages of learning who the DHS are, but this was a positive step along the way.
Joe Hendry Defeated Eli Drake
Eli Drake is always great, and Joe Hendry is definitely talented, although making fun of Drake for dressing in drag was a big turnoff for me. The real story, which is also a turnoff, isn’t about Drake at all. It’s about how Hendry is flirting with Katarina right in front of Grado’s face, and it’s only a matter of time before they hook up and Grado comes looking for revenge. This already seems really dated and overdone. At this point it would feel a positive twist if Grado revealed that he has a cuckold fetish and excitedly told them to go at it.
Eddy Edwards is Out of His Damn Mind
Eddy interrupted what was supposed to be a Desmond Xavier/Andrew Everett match to cut a really great heel promo on Tommy Dreamer, in which he promised to taste his blood, which is hella creepy. He also said that he’s the true Innovator of Violence, and when a female voice from the crowd yelled “No you’re not,” he started to turn in that direction for just long enough to make you wonder what was going to happen. New violence-obsessed Edwards is honestly a lot of fun, and I hope he keeps going with it after the Dreamer match is over.
Sami Callahan Defeated Greg Osbourne
Osbourne was beside the point of this match. Callahan made short work of him, put Pentagon Jr’s stolen mask over his face, and then continued to beat him up while talking to him as if he were Penta. Of the four or five violently unhinged heels on the Impact roster, Callahan is probably the best. Later in the show, oVe went looking for Pentagon backstage, but once he was found he got the better of Sami. Get ready to see bald-headed Callahan, because he’ll be here next week.
Moose is Here
Moose returned from his intensive Slammiversary training to cut an in-ring promo on Aries in advance of their championship match. Aries appeared on the Titantron to talk to Moose, but that was revealed to be a recording when the real Aries snuck up on his opponent from behind. Honestly, this is something I never get tired of in wrestling no matter how often they do it. Aries may outstrip Moose on the mic by a wide margin, but I’m really looking forward to their match this Sunday.
That’s all for this week’s Knockout Report. Join me on Monday, for a special Slammiversary report!
