In a Huge Shocker, Has Named John Cena The ‘Top Superstar Of The New Millennium’

In a decision akin to O, The Oprah Magazine naming Oprah Winfrey the best magazine owner of the decade, a list on has named John Cena as the top Superstar of the new millennium. Bull Dempsey was robbed.

Here’s part of the wonderfully melodramatic write-up, featuring the two most important John Cena talking points:

1. Some of y’all like him and some of y’all don’t, and that’s okay because, when you buy a ticket to a WWE event, you have the right to yadda yadda.

2. John Cena is great at surgery.

When WWE needed someone to show “ruthless aggression,” one kid with a bad haircut stormed onto the scene and changed sports-entertainment forever. His name? John Cena. The then-up-and-coming Dr. of Thuganomics was bold enough to get in the face of venerated Superstars like The Undertaker and Kurt Angle as he gradually clawed his way to the top. Over time, the WWE Universe —half of them, anyway — couldn’t help but love him.

The Cenation leader has been serenaded with “Let’s go Cena!” and “Cena sucks” chants every night, but he always proves he’s the toughest Superstar going. He has been down, but never for long, returning from multiple injuries months ahead of doctors’ prognoses.

Other notable placements include my choice for No. 1 (despite an eight-year absence, which was really just skipping a lot of busywork) Brock Lesnar at No. 7, Obvious No. 2 Choice Randy Orton way back at No. 8, and 1-time United States Champion Zack Ryder coming in at No. 10. I’m kidding, but a bunch of you hastily clicked the link and flipped through the list to check, didn’t you?

Hopefully this award will be acknowledged on Raw, and followed up with Vince McMahon presenting Cena with a second, even more prestigious award for Best Guy On Raw Right Now Whether He Won Or Lost. It comes with a certificate for a free Low-T check to make sure you’re a real man.