Jake ‘The Snake’ Roberts Wants To Help Johnny Manziel Get Back On Track

Jake ‘The Snake’ Roberts has become pro wrestling’s patron saint of second chances. After teetering on the brink of self-destruction for years, Roberts linked up with Diamond Dallas Page, took up yoga, got sober, and got in good enough shape to shove a python in Dean Ambrose’s face on Monday Night Raw. If you haven’t seen the HBO Real Sports segment from a few years back, it’s incredible. But ever since finding his way again, he’s had his eye out for other lost souls who need a hand. Sometimes he also says very weird things to Bray Wyatt, but for the most part, I like to think that he’s on the side of angels now.

This is a very good thing, because Cleveland Browns quarterback Johnny Manziel sure could use an angel right about now. Currently a one-stop shop for Vegas party anecdotes, Manziel’s NFL future is up in the air right now. Chatter suggests he’s on his way out of Cleveland, but before he packs his bags, Jake The Snake sure would like to have a word with him. Over on Aaron Oster and Glenn Clark’s Jobbing Out podcast, Roberts professed his desire to steer Manziel straight. Roberts also mentions TCU quarterback Trevone Boykin, who was arrested in San Antonio prior to his team’s berth in the Alamo Bowl.

“I’m trying to get a hold of Johnny Manziel and I’m going to tell that boy, ‘You need to get on antabuse.’ I understand where his head is at. I understand what it is to be Jake the Snake, or Johnny Manziel, Johnny Football. You got all of these expectations from other people. Not just yourself, but other people. You start being the party guy for them… If somebody can put me in contact with him, do it. Not only him, but several of those guys who are screwing up out there… like that Trevone Boykin. You were going to be in a bowl game, and look what you did. I’d love to get a hold of him and sit him down. Say what I did in my career and what I did. At least I had a career before I blew it.”

Manziel and I don’t have much in common, but we’re both products of Texas A&M, and that’s enough to make me want the best for him. Yes, he’s what would happen if a DVD box set of Blue Mountain State suddenly came to life, but he’s salvageable, dammit. We’re doing this, gang. Mr. Roberts, on behalf of my fellow Aggie, I accept your helping hand. If anything can put the fear of God into Johnny Football, it’s a giant friggin’ snake. If this becomes a documentary somewhere, I want an executive producer credit.