Terrible Kisser John Cena Spends An Awkward ‘7 Minutes In Heaven’


1. Cena mentions that being kissed on the lips by host Mike O’Brien will get him in a lot of trouble with his girlfriend, Nikki Bella. I hope this is true. I hope it’s one of those “Lana gets mad at Dolph Ziggler for being sexually harassed in the shower” situations where nobody acts like human beings, and an adult woman is confrontationally angry at her significant other for being awkwardly kissed against his will on a YouTube comedy video.

2. There’s no way that’s a regulation-sized closet. I have a full walk-in, and I’m not confident Cena could fit inside of it. That thing’s at least 2.5 John Cena widths, so it’s either a set, or Cena wrestles in one of those Nativity muscle suits from Arrested Development.

3. There’s not much difference between John Cena being kissed against his will, and passionately kissing someone on purpose. Proof:

4. Cena says that Big Show smells like an “encyclopedia wrapped up in a beach towel of farts,” continuing this week’s weird media push to make everyone know how much Big Show farts. What’s going on? Did he accidentally step on Vince McMahon’s foot backstage or something?

5. You can tell Mike O’Brien doesn’t watch wrestling, because he thinks Cena works Smackdown.