John Cena has gone full Meet The Klumps in this new darkly weird vignette for the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards, and … well, it’s worthy of a complete investigation, because it is weird as heck.
What in the hell was that?!? This is like Harmony Korine directed a Skittles commercial. This is like The Fatties: Fart 2 was a trailer in the middle of a Kevin James/Adam Sandler Grindhouse sequel. This is Jason Mendoza from The Good Place getting a chance to design his own neighborhood. As I watched it, the phrase “Chip, I’m gonna come at you like a spider monkey with John Cena’s face!” played on repeat in my mind.
I love it. I wanna scream “I don’t know!” to the heavens, unhinge my jaw and gulp forty gallons of slime. I wanna hustle an IV of this commercial into my carotid artery out of loyalty and respect. I want to direct the pilot reboot of Family Double Dare with the entire Cena Clan.
Let’s rank the family members.
Regular John Cena
This is why you never turn Cena heel. Some of us may like him and some of us don’t, but 500 and counting Make-A-Wish dreams came true because the Doctor of Huganomics was born for this shtick right here. When Cena finally gets inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame, he’s going to get a pop that will make his Royal Rumble return in 2008 look like a tap-in for par at the world’s most sparsely-attended pro-am charity golf tournament.
Grandma Cena
The only real “meh” entry in this whole thing, but if she’s only there to set up the “John Cena as Mars Attacks Sarah Jessica Parker Abomination” version in this day-glo nightmare funhouse, then she’s worth an entry.
Don Cena
This is going to be strangely prophetic, but I can totally see this being John Cena 20 years from now, sitting ringside and waving like a more cuddly version of Cowboy Bob Orton. Wrestling is in Cena’s blood, and when he’s past the type of returns we see from The Rock and Batista these days, Cena is the one who will still sit in the front row of a go-home Raw so the heel can talk smack for some good clean heat. John will wave his hand in his face, punch the foreign heel across the barricade and we’ll all smile in fond memory.
This is the Cena that will shake his head disapprovingly at John Cena III when the lad puts a dent in the Range Rover on Season 7 of the Growing Up Cena reality show. Nikki thinks he’s being too hard on “Trips,” and Uncle Daniel will try and talk him into exchanging the Range Rover for a hybrid. Miz will put out an absolutely savage parody digital short starring his own offspring and King Maxel.
Goth Cena
“Hey! What if we took Gerard Way from My Chemical Romance, injected him with one million milligrams of SeroVital but keep him in marching band?” Shut up and take my money, Kids’ Choice Awards.
Here is where Cena’s underrated facial skills come into play. He’s never taking a moment off in this commercial and as a comedy filmmaker, these little cutaway moments are gold. Mouthing the word “loser” because The Rock won’t return his calls. Dry heaving when Don and Mom Cena make out. It’s that ol’ wrestling chestnut of “You never know when the camera will be on you. Stay focused.”
Mom Cena
‘Nuff said.
Joan Cena
I will never, ever, EVER get tired of the “pigtails and braces pre-teen” comedy gag. Instagram was invented for this type of classic comedy character to obsess over in what will inevitably become the feature-length version of this commercial. If you don’t believe me, allow me to present Exhibit A:
Baby Cena
I take it all back. Just do the movie with this Lil’ Face That Runs The Play-Pen. I already have a four-page treatment written up. I just threw Baby Geniuses, Baby’s Day Out, Little Big Man and the Baby Step SNL sketch into a blender, and I’m ready for my major studio paycheck now. Let’s call it Look Who Can’t See Me Talking, and just be done with it. Let’s get Forest Whitaker to play the villain.
I’ll direct.
Bichon Cena
“He who fights with monsters should be careful lest he thereby become a monster. And if thou gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will also gaze into thee.” – Nietzsche
I sure hope the Clio Awards have a category for “Best Approximation of a Lovecraftian Creature You Want to Adopt From Hell’s Rescue Shelter,” because this adorable little scamp is the frontrunner.
God bless you, Kid’s Choice Awards. I’ll never sleep again, but I’ll never have to, either.
