John Cena Portrays His Entire Family In This Delightfully Weird Kids’ Choice Awards Commercial

02.13.18 6 months ago

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John Cena has gone full Meet The Klumps in this new darkly weird vignette for the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards, and … well, it’s worthy of a complete investigation, because it is weird as heck.

What in the hell was that?!? This is like Harmony Korine directed a Skittles commercial. This is like The Fatties: Fart 2 was a trailer in the middle of a Kevin James/Adam Sandler Grindhouse sequel. This is Jason Mendoza from The Good Place getting a chance to design his own neighborhood. As I watched it, the phrase “Chip, I’m gonna come at you like a spider monkey with John Cena’s face!” played on repeat in my mind.

I love it. I wanna scream “I don’t know!” to the heavens, unhinge my jaw and gulp forty gallons of slime. I wanna hustle an IV of this commercial into my carotid artery out of loyalty and respect. I want to direct the pilot reboot of Family Double Dare with the entire Cena Clan.

Let’s rank the family members.

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