Biker Gang Vs. An Octopus: It’s Legends Of Wrestling Night At Marlins Park

08.26.13 6 years ago 16 Comments

The Miami Marlins hosted the Colorado Rockies on Saturday, and celebrated corralling basically every pro wrestler in the Florida for ‘Legends Of Wrestling Night.’ There’s so much going on here I can barely explain it. If I can’t handle this, who will? My job description is already “watch a lot of baseball, make a bunch of wrestling jokes.”

Amazingly, Billy Marlin dressed up as a pre-“arm wrestling with Rob Ford” Hulk Hogan doesn’t begin to cover it. The most violent moment of the night occurred immediately — like any good wrestling show — when former WCW and WWE World Heavyweight Champion “Bill” Goldberg threw out the first pitch and leveled a Colorado Rockies fan with a spear.

Advice for any future Rockies fans attending games at Marlins Park: bring a taser.

My favorite part about this clip is how little the Marlins broadcast team wants to be a part of this, and how bad they are at hiding their professional anger. The wonderfully-antiquated “hair-brained promotions” line is the first red flag that half a dozen people are gonna hang themselves in the booth before the night is over.

(It’d fit the theme of “Legends of Wrestling Night,” though, I guess.)

If you’re interested in combining the violence of the Goldberg clip with the ridiculousness of mascot cosplay, Julio the Octopus “turned heel” during the Sea Creature Race and got jumped by Impact Wrestling’s Aces & Eights. Apparently somebody in Miami put Brandon Stroud in charge of Legends of Wrestling night and didn’t tell me.

Announcer suicide watch: “The wrestlers … ah that’s not nice” deadpanned, followed by 10 seconds of dead silence. If we aren’t drinking from a flask during this, I’ll eat my shoe.

Everybody else suicide watch: Here’s a clip of the Nasty Boys and “The Mouth of the South” Jimmy Hart singing ‘Take Me Out To The Ballgame.’

On top of all that, Steve Cishek and AJ Ramos showed up at a wrestling show later that night to “save” the Nasty Boys in the ring.

You know, I think every night at Marlins Park should be Legends of Wrestling night. Fill up all those empty seats with Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake and Virgil, or whoever … hell, you’ve got a giant light-up carnival fish statue in center field, it’s not like you’re gonna bring shame to the building.

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