WWE’s been spreading the news of this all weekend. According to Triple H, he’s making an announcement on tonight’s Raw that will “shake WWE to its core.” It’s said to address the Royal Rumble “controversy” (which is “people didn’t like what we did with the Royal Rumble,” I guess?) and may or may not involve Dean Ambrose. With it being WrestleMania season, we have to assume the announcement will actually be important, and not one of those Dixie Carter things where the game-changing reveal is “we signed Josh Mathews.”
My actual theory is that it’s just Triple H setting up matches for Fast Lane. It probably involves tag team matches pairing up guys who are facing each other at WrestleMania in 2-on-2 or handicap scenarios. I don’t want to get too excited about it, you know? Big Show knocking out Cena at Survivor Series “changed the landscape of WWE forever.” Everybody on the announce team’s a Tony Schiavone now. If you want an ACTUAL shaking of the core, it has to be something that matters and lasts. Anything that matters and lasts. Bring back the “champion must defend every 30 days” rule, which could work now that we’re at the end of Lesnar’s reign. Or hell, announce you’re retroactively stripping him and let’s spend the next two months with a nuclear Lesnar.
Because we want to open up the floor to all possibilities, I asked the With Spandex staff and a few of our funnier friends to come up with possible announcements that could core-shake WWE on tonight’s show. Here’s what they came up with:
Chris Trew (Air Sex: The Movie)
I wish the big announcement was that Brock Lesnar had to come to the ring to talk to Daniel Bryan about something (go with me here). Then Seth Rollins cashes in and wins the title and since Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose were already scheduled to go one-on-one at Wrestlemania (please keep going with me) Ambrose is like “we still fighting dude” and then Reigns is like “I won the Royal Rumble dude” and Lesnar is like “wtf, Daniel Bryan, this is your fault, so you and me have to fight. Then Wrestlemania we get Shield triple threat main event plus Daniel Bryan vs. Brock Lesnar. What will probably happen though is that HHH announces that NXT is $9.99 per episode.
Hot off of his appearance in the 2015 Royal Rumble, “Diamond” Dallas Page has been signed by the WWE to be the company’s new certified core exercise trainer. In addition to the company’s current stable of Superstars and Divas competing on original programming like Raw and Smackdown, the WWE will now dedicate one hour of each live show to open workouts for the more out-of-shape wrestlers. Upset that you haven’t seen Mark Henry lately? Shed no more tears, because you’ll get to watch him shed pounds each week. Additionally, Total Divas will now serve as a weekly workout show, which will basically look like this:
Ian Douglas Terry (CROM Fest)
Triple H’s announcement will be that Roman Reigns is being replaced by Roman “The Rock” Reigns (which is just The Rock with a sexy long hair wig on and more tattoos). He will also announce that all of the stars of NXT will compete in a Battle Royal where the winner gets to debut on the next Raw and be immediately buried and job out to Jack Swagger for eternity.
I have two very different opinions on what Triple H’s announcement will be. The first is that, after extensive thought and conversations with Stephanie, Triple H has decided that Vince McMahon is no longer capable of effectively leading WWE. Therefore, it is with heavy heart, but clear conscience, that Vince will be fired out of a cannon and into the sun, sparing everyone from his terrible opinions and decisions.
The second thought I had is that WWE will undergo a drastic rebranding approach. Roman Reigns will now be featured on every turnbuckle, ring apron, and the center of the mat. All merchandise will have Roman’s face on it, every major event will be co-promoted between Roman and WWE (Roman Reigns and WWE proudly bring to you FastLane, a Roman Reigns Joint).
Brock LaBorde (Studio 8)
HHH announces that they’re finally giving the WWE Universe the power and voice that it’s always desired, so effective immediately, Monday Night Raw, Whatever Night Smackdown, and the internet’s(?) NXT will now exist solely as Tout video streams featuring internet fanboys sharing their fantasy bookings, children screaming out various WWE catchphrases, internet fanboys complaining about WWE’s creative direction, and improvised backstage segments from Zack Ryder.
Jeff Hawkins (Shake the Ropes)
I’m guessing the “big announcement” is that Stephanie’s fitness dvd is number one in Uzbekistan, omitting for the benefit of the PG audience the fact that it was mistaken in translation for hardcore pornography.
Triple H’s earthshaking announcement is, obviously, that he’s going to try growing his hair out again. Yes, there are going to be challenges — he’ll probably look like a leathery, blading scar-covered Jonathan Taylor Thomas for a while, but dammit, Steph has been making a lot of idle, wistful comments about the ponytail years, so this is totally going to be worth it. As a bonus, the entire Authority (including Kane) will be growing their hair out in solidarity. If nothing else, it could be a genius heel move.
Failing that, the announcement is probably that they’re giving up the wrestling thing and become a full-time touring He-Man Ice Capades show.
Derek Dupuy (Stupid Time Machine)
Triple H announces that in order to face The Beast at Wrestlemania, he must get through another beast right here tonight on RAW. He makes a main event of Reigns against New Japan Pro Wrestling superstar Kazuchika Okada’s mechanical raptor (Vince likes his look more than Okada) with the stipulation that Reigns must win in order to get over. Reigns begins to tell the tale of Jurassic Park to Triple H but confuses it with The Lost World plot line. Crowd chants for both Dr. Ian Malcolm and Daniel Bryan. This last 45 minutes.
If it’s not THE CORRE I’m gonna be real mad.
What do you think the announcement will be? Let us know in the comments section below.