Previously on Lucha Underground: Rey Mysterio Jr. — one of the most legendary, accomplished and popular pro wrestlers in modern history — got beaten up and eaten (?) by a God-infested, cage-bound Ninja Turtle in a janitor jumpsuit.
If you need to catch up on the rest of the episodes — if you aren’t caught up, you should need to catch up — you can read about season 1 here, and season 2 here. Season 3 episode recaps can be found here.
Hit those share buttons! Make sure to spread the column around so people can share in our love of all things Lucha, and encourage folks to finally bite the bullet and watch the first two seasons on Netflix. It’s on Netflix. It’s the best Netflix show about a used car salesman manipulating a Mexican cowboy into serving him!
And now, the Over/Under on Lucha Underground season 3, episode 36, originally aired on September 20, 2017.
Under: The One Complaint I Have About Every Episode In The Second Half Of Season 3
Sing along if you know the words: ♫ the match was going fine until the distraction finish ♫
I don’t know which Lucha Underground writer got super into Raw during the break and decided to work it onto the show like indie wrestlers work in moves they saw in New Japan GIFs, but I hope they don’t work there in season 4. I hope there is a season 4, which there definitely will or will not be depending on who you ask, and that this isn’t the final regular episode of the run.
Anyway, yeah, Famous B is made ring announcer for the night because Melissa Santos has a match, so he interferes in Texano vs. Dante Fox and throws it Fox’s way by prematurely announcing Texano’s victory. It’s the Brock Lesnar vs. Undertaker SummerSlam 2015 finish, with an injured black Porter Wagoner in place of a ring bell. Texano gets distracted, so Dante Fox uses the Divas Roll-up Of Doom and scores the three.
After the match, Dario Cueto saves B from a beatdown by putting Texano in a match with him in hour one of Ultima Lucha Tres, with the stipulation that if B can somehow pull out a victory, Texano’s Lucha Underground contract transfers to him. So if you have a manager, you aren’t under contract to Lucha Underground? Has Mil Muertes not worked here all this time? How does Lucha Underground even HAVE contracts, come to think of it? I know Konnan’s responsible for signing the dragon and the pissed-off ninja skeleton and the immortal guy and probably the time traveler, but how you sign a guy who’s already died twice?
Over: History’s Most Dramatic Kiss
As for Melissa, she opens the episode learning how to wrestle by training with Fenix in what appears to be the warehouse where J.J. Abrams keeps all his lens flares. This segment features three things I really enjoyed:
1. Fenix will not take off his mask, even when he’s alone with his girlfriend, not even for a second. Melissa Santos and Fenix are dating (on the show) to the point that he’s driving her to work in his Firebird, but she’s never seen him without his mask on. They’re in here Daredevil and Elektra fight-flirting with kung fu noises and he won’t take off his mask, even when she asks him to. I’m not a beautiful woman, but I feel like getting into a Phantom of the Opera situation where the dude you love won’t let you see his face is a dealbreaker.
2. The most unintentionally hilarious thing Lucha Underground’s ever done, which is Fenix’s gentle touch of Melissa’s shoulders causing a DISTANT EAGLE SCREECH. I’m surprised you couldn’t hear my Edna Krabappel laugh at the fucking lovebird touch on El Rey Network.
3. The most dramatic kiss ever filmed, featuring like thirty lens flares and SEVEN CUTS.
That’s the Liam Neeson jumping a fence of kisses.
Over: Darren Aronofsky’s Moth!
The actual Melissa Santos and Fenix vs. Marty the Moth Martinez and Mariposa The Other Moth Additional Martinez is better than you’d expect. It’s basically the tag team equivalent of Kota Ibushi vs. YOSHIHIKO — or, for WWE fans, AJ Styles vs. Shane McMahon — where Fenix is at some points literally physically guiding her through the motions himself, but it works for the story. Fenix is so much better than Marty that he can like, tag with a mannequin and still almost beat him.
That’s not a knock on Melissa, though. She plays her role as well as she could, and shows some pretty great in-ring showmanship at times. The way she’s maneuvering in the wheelbarrow before Fenix slams her elbow-first down onto Marty has a natural charisma Mariposa can’t seem to muster, and she’s been wrestling since the ’90s. Still, the match is more about the story than the match, and Melissa getting fridged to give Marty vs. Fenix at Ultima Lucha Tres more heat.
I guess they have to have brother/sister incest on EVERY cable show about dragons.
Over: The Gift That Keeps On Giving
We have the Gift of the Gods match a little early. To recap, that’s Paul London vs. Saltador vs. Mala Suerte vs. Drago vs. Cortez Castro vs. Pentagon Dark vs. Son of Havoc. As much as I like most of those guys, the only two people who could POSSIBLY win that match are Pentagon Dark and Son of Havoc. So what do they do? They have them both win the match, simultaneously, due to what I can only assume is a stroke from referee Marty Elias, who thinks counting a double pin and then confusing everyone is how wrestling matches work.
That sets up those two having a match to determine who actually won, and it’s going to be …
It’s a good decision, though, because it gives us a sudden but PERFECT match for Ultima Lucha Tres: the most over rudo on the show, Pentagon Dark, versus the most over tecnico on the show, Son of Havoc. With stakes and a memorable stipulation. And with four episodes of “pay-per-view” and no certain future, you’ve got to imagine that the Gift of the Gods doesn’t stay around a waist very long. That should steal the show.
PAY OFF THIS LIMO THING
This week’s final scene is Dario Cueto taking his gifted and then stolen-back magical God-spewing gauntlet of power into the evil limousine of upper management where the shadowy, cigar-smoking Big Bad of the show and Evil Godfrey — Satanfrey? — await. Dario’s upset about the gauntlet not taking over Cage faster, and he drops the info that maybe Cage is actually a machine and not a human being and that’s why it wasn’t working. Now that they’ve said that they can’t actually do it, but oh man, how great of a reveal would that be? “I WAS BEING LITERALLLLL.!”
The match (as we guessed, because duh) is Cage vs. Jeremiah Crane vs. Mil Muertes for possession of the gauntlet. If Cage wins, he gets the gauntlet back and their evil plan which we’re still not sure of fails. Oh, and the Big Bad has been invited to the Temple for Ultima Lucha to destroy Cage himself. I hope it’s the kitty cat guy from last year who disappeared!
And that’s the show.
At Ultima Lucha Tres
- Dragon Azteca Jr. vs. Matanza Cueto inside a steel cage
- Ivelisse returning and getting that match with Catrina they haven’t mentioned in a long-ass time
- Mask vs. Hair, Fenix vs. Marty Martinez
- Taya vs. Sexy Star, Last Luchadora Standing (without being put into an armbar)
- Famous B vs. Texano for Texano’s services, a la Marlena I hope
- A HELL OF WAR match, aka Three Stage of Hell, between Dante Fox and Killshot
- Literally A Gauntlet match: Cage vs. Mil Muertes vs. Jeremiah Crane
- LADDER MATCHHHHHH
- Johnny “Impact” Mundo vs. Prince Puma for the Lucha Underground Championship
Should be a great show. A great four shows. And I don’t care about the problems and the bullshit, don’t let them be the last.