It’s December 1st, which means Movember is over and you can shave that unsightly growth off your face.
In celebration of another year Movembered, we decided to comb the history of professional wrestling and list our choices for the 30 greatest soup-strainers in the sport’s history. This list was put together with education and science, so remember that while you may disagree (and voice your opinions in our comments section below) the list is objective and final. Objective. About which pro wrestlers had the best mustaches. No, seriously.
Note: The definition of what a mustache is can vary, so here’s what we did. If the person had facial hair above their lip but not on their chin, we let it count. If they had a great ‘stache but too much chin hair, we disqualified them. That excluded a few notable mustaches, like Dutch Mantell/Zeb Colter. There may be instances of them going bare-chinned, but if it wasn’t common enough we made a judgment call. Each entry contains an explanation of why they ranked where they ranked, but for the sake of transparency we considered style, grooming, fullness, importance to character and time spent on the face. Some guys had great mustaches for a short portion of their career, and that may have bumped them down the list.
So! Without further explanation, here are our choices for the 30 greatest mustaches in pro wrestling history.
30. Simon Gotch
Danielle: I’m not gonna lie, Simon Gotch barely squeaked onto this list. There are innumerable independent wrestlers who are rocking some mean ‘staches, some that would rival or even surpass Gotch’s, but hey, if I didn’t feature someone from NXT Brandon would probably fire me.
I love Gotch’s because it’s just … I mean, it’s A Mustache. It’s the kind of mustache you’d see drawn onto an Italian stereotype on the side of a pizza box, or even sported by the villain in a Victorian stage melodrama. As a girl with a known fondness for both mustaches and time-displaced wrestlers, I pretty much have to be all-in on someone whose persona hinges on being both an Olde Time Strongman and possible secret Time Lord.
29. CM Punk
Danielle: Mustache CM Punk is a tricky one for me. As a Certified Mustache Enthusiast™, I wholeheartedly believe that most any wrestler can be improved with a sweet ‘stache. While I can’t say I’ve ever been a real fan of CM Punk (hold your boos I’m making a point), I was not against New Nexus CM Punk. Growing a mustache made him go from kind of a dickbag to full-on smarmy douchelord and I was into it. While it may not have been a great look realistically, there was something about the way it suddenly aged him about twenty years and added an instant sheen of greasy asshole that probably betrays more about my personal predilections than I would ever want it to.