What It’s Like For A Casual Wrestling Fan To Experience His First Royal Rumble

ORLANDO, FL — As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to attend the Royal Rumble. When I was a little kid reading WWF Magazine and cheering on The Bushwhackers at South Florida house shows, and all the way up to watching in joyful fear as people threw cheese graters into the ring at ECW shows in a venue so dumpy it almost felt illegal, the Royal Rumble topped even WrestleMania for me as the true creator of legends. After all, 30 men (and sometimes women) may enter and only one shall win, but to a wide-eyed kid, that man could be anyone. You know, if you don’t see the ending coming from a trillion light years away.

So, when it was announced that the Royal Rumble was coming to Orlando’s Amway Center, I knew it was time. Sadly, my son isn’t old enough to know the delights of WWE’s unparalleled brand of sports entertainment, so little Jack Burton Burns couldn’t comprehend my strange behavior when I returned from Sunday night’s show, and I can only describe it as a cocktail of childlike euphoria with a splash of holy-sh*t-I’m-deaf-now-you-guys. I won’t compare this Rumble to any of the others, especially my personal favorite (1998 when Mick Foley entered as all three of his personalities), because nothing beats the live experience. It was truly amazing to witness the spectacle in person, and I only hope that my descriptions and anecdotes of the 2016 Royal Rumble can finger paint a worthy picture.

Lilian Garcia’s entrance video is like an eHarmony ad

The last live WWE, non-NXT event that I attended was a Monday Night RAW more than 10 years ago, so I had forgotten all about the behind-the-scenes and off-camera moments, like when the announce teams make their entrances or when Lilian Garcia arrives to the catcalls and whistles of arena dudebros who “totally would.” Garcia’s entrance for the Rumble really caught me off guard, though, because I didn’t realize she has a very cheesy, romantic video to go along with her music (above). How this exists and hasn’t been used as the commercial for WWE’s own dating site is a total shame. It’s almost as good as those Farmers Only ads.

If you go to a live WWE event, try to sit near little kids

My UPROXXian colleague Jay and I were seated behind four kids and one very patient and admirable mom, and if I had to guess these kids are probably 10-ish. Basically, they are old enough to know that wrestling is scripted, but they are young enough to not care, and embrace every moment as if it was the greatest thing they’d ever seen. And hell, there were moments when the kids would explain whatever was happening in the ring to the mom, and it made me want to host a podcast with them. They were the best, and I’ll be mentioning them a lot throughout the rest of this recap.

The best thing about the live experience is, by far, the people watching. Just waiting in line to enter, there were people of all ages, shapes, and sizes wearing ridiculous costumes and chanting any number of wrestler catchphrases. The most prominent throughout the entire PPV was “NEW… DAY ROCKS!” as it should be, but we will get to that in a bit. The kids in front us, however, chanted, “NEW… DAY SUCKS!” That led to a group of four bros across the aisle shouting back, “It’s NEW DAY ROCKS because they’re the best!” and I was momentarily nervous that “Oh dear God, these adults are really going to yell at children.” But the kids fired back with “NEW DAY SUCKS!” and I realized it was all in good fun. Phew. Adorable crisis averted.

The Dudley pop is still awesome

The funniest thing about a live WWE show is how even though you know that loud, explosive entrances are coming, you still don’t anticipate them. So, when the Dudley Boyz’ fireworks popped out of nowhere for the Fatal Fourway match, our row of mostly adults collectively jumped like a frightened cartoon elephant that just spotted a mouse. The kids in front of us? Little tough guys acted like they were born on the beaches of Normandy. The Dudleys were instant frontrunners for Pop of the Night, but they seemed like a couple of nobodies by the time the match began, because…

The crowd simply loves Damien Sandow

Not even New Day (more on them shortly) would have as many chants going throughout the evening as Sandow had in one match. And he didn’t even need to pander for the attention like Bubba Ray did from the apron. From the second he arrived for his match, the crowd was chanting Sandow’s name. Obviously, he wasn’t going to win the match, which sucked because you want fan favorites in the Rumble, so Mark Henry and Jack Swagger stealing a sloppy win took the wind out of an otherwise enjoyable opening match.

Owens vs. Ambrose was like a beautiful ballet of violence

My biggest complaint about any live event like this, be it the Rumble or a UFC PPV, is the painful boredom of the downtime. Would it kill WWE to put together some promo packages for those of us who don’t like to wander and take in all of the majesty that an overpriced arena has to offer? Some feud recaps would have played nicely to catch yours truly up, but I guess that WWE needed to remind us several times about upcoming original programming like The Edge and Christian Show. Whatever, complaints be damned because the PPV opened with a match so wonderful that I was worried it would make the rest of the show look bad.

Kevin Owens and Dean Ambrose deserve the full VIP treatment after Sunday. They should have WWE interns hand-feeding them any meals of their choices for the next month, because the performances they offered us were downright amazing. The best part of their match was the table-on-table punishment that Owens would eventually go through and lose from, because the guy next to me kept saying, “Those tables are still sitting there… someone’s going through them!” I don’t know who invented the folding table, but I like to imagine that wherever he is, he watches WWE matches like this one and weeps.

All that said, this Rumble’s audience was in full-on worship mode by the time that match ended, and rightfully so.

Francesca > Pepe

At this point in their gimmick, The New Day are invincible. They can do or say the dumbest things imaginable and people will piss their spandex with laughter. The New Day are so hot that they can come out and eulogize a freaking trombone, and the audience will EAT. IT. UP. So, my point here is simple: Francesca (and now Francesca 2.0) is wrestling’s all-time greatest random object. You had a great run, Pepe the horse, but your time is over. Long live the trombone.

As for the tag team championship match, I felt bad for The Usos. The crowd still gave them a mild pop, but The New Day are miles above the rest of the division. It’s almost a crisis.

The Best/Worst part of my evening: casual racism

The teenager who sat next to us probably isn’t racist, but WWE’s stories tend to inspire stupidity and casual racism, like when he shouted, “Go back to Mexico!” during the U.S. Championship match between Alberto Del Rio and Kalisto. I cringed hearing it. Fortunately, the four role models sitting in front of us handled it better than any adult could have.

When the teen shouted his stupid Donald Trump bumper sticker slogan, the four children stood up, turned around, and shouted, “Racist! We’ve got a racist!” like the kids in Kindergarten Cop shouting, “Stranger danger!” It was the cutest moment of hope I’d ever experienced. If only they could have been cloned and spread out throughout every arena and stadium in the world, because the way they made that teen feel like an asshole was beautiful.

Speaking of the U.S. Championship match… points for trying, I guess. Poor Kalisto had some notably bad spots, but the crowd seemed disinterested from the start. However, the new champ did get a mighty pop for his surprise win, and I hope that inspires WWE’s creative team to consider new music for him. That song is just… weird.

The biggest “BOOOOOOOO!” of the night

One specific Superstar was the biggest target of the boo birds throughout the evening, and we’ll get to that soon enough. But the crowd surprised me and made me laugh really hard by booing the hell out of the Fastlane promo because it prominently featured Eva Marie. It wasn’t a spattering of boos. As soon as she showed up on the big screen, the crowd collectively let her poor image have it. I almost felt bad for laughing. Almost.

God bless the eye poke, God bless Ric Flair

The Divas Championship match was a fun one, even if the ending felt recycled. Then again, I’ll never complain about someone winning by eye poke, because I love the simple humor of it all. In fact, I hope Charlotte wins every match for the next year by ridiculous methods of cheating, because it means that her dad will be there at ringside, saving his daughter by throwing his jacket over Becky Lynch’s head. That moment alone was so dumb and hilarious. I never think I can appreciate Ric Flair’s subtle villainy more than I already do, and then he throws his jacket. He should host a clinic, and his students can only pass when they perfect the eye poke. We’ll call it the Roddy Piper Poke Certification.

People don’t seem to like Roman Reigns

As a casual wrasslin’ fan, I don’t like Roman Reigns. At least, I don’t like being told to like him. He doesn’t make a good face at all, and fans were quite clear about this at the Royal Rumble. When he was shown in the opening promo, he was booed. When he was shown in the recap video, he was booed. When he was the first man to enter the Rumble, he was booed. When he eliminated Rusev, he was booed. When he breathed, he was booed. And I think the point was really driven home by what happened next…

Welcome to WWE, AJ Styles

Once Styles was eventually eliminated (clearly a little too soon for everyone’s preferences), I watched him as he walked back up the ramp. He didn’t raise a hand or even nod at the crowd to show his appreciation, but his body language said it all. That has to be the greatest feeling, to be shown that much constant appreciation in your debut (the crowd chanted his name many times, and the arena was like one massive gasp each time he was close to being eliminated), and then to steal the focus of the sellout crowd as you’re exiting. It was absolutely electrifying and I still get goosebumps just thinking about it.

(Side note: I can’t look at Styles and not think of Dave from Happy Endings. It has always bothered me, like Styles will start wearing deep V t-shirts with scarves and buy his own food truck. Then again, a food truck driving wrestler would be a fun gimmick.)

The runners-up in the Least Favorite Wrestler pageant

Reigns was clearly the most booed wrestler in the arena at the Royal Rumble, but he wasn’t alone. The Big Show was arguably the second-most booed wrestler in the contest (remember that Eva Marie was only there in a promo), so his quick exit got a nice pop. Ryback was a close third, I think. He seems to be the guy who draws the biggest “Meh” from fans, because for every one fan who chants, “FEED. ME. MORE!” there are four fans who are like, “Hey, look at the terrifyingly large cartoon monster whose every sloppy move looks like it’s an inch away from ending someone’s career.” I wish we could send Ryback to limbo, where he’ll fight Scott Steiner for the rest of eternity.

The nagging question of strategy that we kept asking

This year’s Rumble was really cool because the winner would be the new champion. Not only that, but Reigns would have to run the gauntlet to retain his belt, so the deck was obviously stacked against him from the start. The lineup was good, as the strong contenders were spaced out evenly among the perennial jobbers, like Curtis Axel and the poor Social Outcasts, who caused quite the groan when they arrived.

So, when the ring started filling up, several of us asked the obvious question: Why the hell don’t they all turn on Reigns and eliminate him? And I get that the easy answer to that is, “Because he needs to be in there,” but at some point the creative side needs to fill these holes. The kids in front of me were even yelling, “Throw him out!” because that’s the objective that every wrestler should have focused on. If you knock the champ out, it is anyone’s belt. If anything, they should have had the League of Nations out there as a sort of reverse lumberjack squad, keeping Reigns in the ring so he could be “punished.” Or take him out under the ropes the moment that Rusev is announced. Seems like a pretty simple fix to a glaring issue.

And now, R-Truth provides the comedic relief

https://twitter.com/AJPunkIsMyWorld/status/691502241216245760

Here is the string of thoughts that every fan around me went through as R-Truth pulled the giant ladder out from underneath the ring:

“What the hell is he doing?”
“Is he nuts?”
“Are they really taking this to the next level?”
“Whoa, this is about to get f*cking nuts.”
“Oh, haha, he thinks the belt was hanging above the ring. What a goof.”

Anyway, I’m not sure that Truth’s elimination tops Santino’s record elimination or Bushwhacker Luke’s epic performance, but it was certainly a bright spot.

Again, New Day makes everything better

The thing I’m always fixated on in the Royal Rumble is the near-elimination. Some of these guys make it look like they’re pulling off miracles when they barely hold on, and I really don’t know how they do it. But Kofi Kingston and The New Day took this to another level with this wonderful save.

How do you solve a problem like Chris Jericho?

I used to like Jericho. I still don’t necessarily mind him. But him getting to sit in the corner of the ring for the majority of the Rumble was annoying. I guess he was serving as the director at times, telling some of the wrestlers what to do while he napped, but he doesn’t have the same energy that he once had. Fans don’t look at him and think, “Holy sh*t, it’s Y2J!” He looks more like his name should be David Dadbod, and his gimmick is that he’s here to tell you why Rush is the greatest band ever. Bottom line: If a guy is going to spend the Rumble hiding in the corner, he could at least make it look like he’s doing it on purpose, and it’s not because he’s constantly winded.

When it Reigns, it boos

The League deserves credit for administering a savage beatdown of Reigns and putting him through the French announcer’s table, but the aftermath was bungled. The “medics” brought the stretcher out, but Reigns eventually walked away with a little help. Why wouldn’t he just stay and fight through it? What kind of champ basically takes a break in the middle of the freaking Rumble? Did he have to go through concussion protocol? Kevin Owens and Dean Ambrose, bless their hearts, entered the Rumble looking like they’d been trampled by elephants. The way Reigns left was really stupid. I get that it needed to be done so he could run back it, but when he finally did that…

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

That’s important to note because…

And then there was the ending

I don’t get how you roll with that ending when everyone knows that it’s going to happen. Brandon Stroud predicted it, other wrestling writers predicted it, and the four kids in front of me said, when the Rumble began, that Triple H would come out and win the title. How is that fun, when the fans can see your creative strategy coming from light years away? Now, that’s not to say that people didn’t enjoy it. The crowd went wild for Triple H’s entrance, and people were legitimately shocked when Brock Lesnar and eventually Reigns were eliminated.

Then, it came down to Ambrose and The Boss. “Could Ambrose pull this off,” I asked myself. “Could this dude pull off one of the most memorable and insane overall Royal Rumble performances in the company’s history?” Of course the answer was no, because Triple H needs to face Reigns at WrestleMania to finally put this dude over as the company’s top star, no matter how much we are booing the hell out of him. And people in the crowd seemed to get this for the most part. But I heard fans bitching as they were leaving, and I saw responses like this on Twitter:

https://twitter.com/DanicafanJohn/status/691623299428814848

What’s the solution? Maybe Bray Wyatt wins. Maybe Ambrose wins and the aftermath has him becoming the most hunted man in WWE history. The Boss puts an open bounty on him – he can be pinned anywhere, anytime for either title. Or maybe if you’re going to go with the obvious, have it come down to four men standing – Reigns, Wyatt, Lesnar, and Triple H – and they destroy each other. Then the last two are eliminated at the same time, and maybe there is no winner.

But the answer here is that WWE did what it set out to do and what it needed to do. It needed to piss people off to make them support Reigns more. Will it work? Judging by the boos, probably not. WWE will never please everyone, especially when it comes to Reigns.

The MVP is…

Dean Ambrose is the clear MVP of the Royal Rumble. He put on a hell of a show, as did Owens and Styles. I’m not sure there’s an LVP, unless we’re rating that one based on boos, which wouldn’t be fair to Reigns, but Jericho’s Legend of Sleepy Wrestler routine was probably the worst part. As for the most important aspect, here are my perceived Crowd Pop Power Rankings:

1) AJ Styles. Again, it was a goosebumpy affair. The crowd loved this guy, and if he had somehow won the title in his debut, the Amway Center would have melted.
2) Triple H. This is certainly debatable, but that iconic Motorhead intro had people going nuts, even though they all knew it was coming.
3) Sasha Banks. I don’t know if people knew this was coming or not, but the timing of it worked well, because they let Charlotte’s celebration in front of Becky linger long enough for it to be annoying, and then BAM! Sasha time.
4) Sami Zayn. The crowd went crazy for him, and his elimination of Owens got another huge pop. But his own elimination was deflating.
5) The New Day. Once again, this is expected.
6) Damien Sandow. I don’t know if people got to see this, but it was wonderful.

I’d accept any variation of 2-6, because it’s really hard to gauge sound when I went deaf after the Dudleys’ entrance, but the point is that the crowd seems to have loved the 2016 Royal Rumble, and I definitely had a blast. 10/10, would Rumble again.