Welcome to a new year and a New Smackdown, featuring a new announcer (Mauro Ranallo) and a brand new attitude. We’re sure the show is completely different now and not just additional Raw, minus the bigger stars. John Cena’s supposed to be there, which is like a deadbeat dad finally showing up to your little league game!
If you’ve never read the assumptive report, here’s how it works: We read someone else’s Smackdown spoilers, copy and paste them over and add a bunch of snarky assumptions (hence the title) without having seen it. Fun with pessimism, folks, that’s the name of the game. That way, if Dolph Ziggler losing to whoever turns out to be really good, we can rise above an extremely low bar and love it. Got it? Good. Here’s what happens on this week’s RegularSmackDown TAPED.
What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown:
(reminder: these are mostly actual Smackdown spoilers)
– John Cena opens the show. I’ll paraphrase, without having heard it. “You hear that? It’s HOT TONIGHT IN LAREDO! Here are several jokey sentences written for me by someone that I literally just read as I was walking out through the curtain, probably referencing The Force Awakens, maybe mentioning Donald Trump. Anyway, Alberto Del Rio is a COWARD GIRL BITCH COWARD and I get a United States title rematch, so why not do it RIGHT HERE TONIGHT IN HOT-LEDO!” Del Rio shows up, calls him a “perro” 9 or 12 times, Cena whips off his shirt in a grand gesture and Del Rio says I WILL GIVE YOU YOUR REMATCH, PERRO … BUT NOT TONIGHT! Everybody boos.
1. Kalisto defeated Alberto Del Rio. Ha, welp. I hope the finish happened when Del Rio took 45 minutes to set up a tree of woe double-stomp, so Kalisto got out of it, had some dinner, went to the bathroom, checked his e-mail, hopped back into position and countered it into a rollup on the way down. Honestly though, if Kalisto can beat Del Rio, Cena should be able to pin him with a hard stare.
2. Dolph Ziggler, Goldust, R-Truth and Neville defeated The New Day and The Miz. The “we don’t have time for more than four matches, so let’s get everybody on the show” affair. I’m hoping this is the beginning of a permanent New Day/Miz friendship, because the one thing I want to salvage from everybody’s booking of New Day as “the new Nation” is them having an Owen Hart.
3. Charlotte defeated Becky Lynch. Charlotte won by Dad-erference. They should bring back Al Wilson doing a bad accent and say he’s Becky Lynch’s dad. Better yet, Becky Lynch should just punch Flair in the face before the finish of the match and send him scurrying to the back in a storm of blood and tears.
4. Intercontinental Championship Match: Kevin Owens vs. Dean Ambrose was a double count-out. Smackdown is dead, long live Smackdown.