The Assumptive WWE Smackdown Spoilers Report For March 17, 2016

Every week, we take somebody else’s Smackdown spoilers report and aggregate it with the hottest snarky wrestling takes. It’s the most joyless way to find out what happens on a show you weren’t planning to watch. Even that reads joyless!

On this week’s show, THE BIG DOG is back IN THE YARD and he’s ON THE PROWL for some BONE at WrestleMania. Get it, Big Dog!

What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown:
(reminder: these are actual Smackdown spoilers)

– Roman Reigns opens the show with a promo. The spoilers report makes sure to include the note, “more cheers than boos.” You know a guy’s over when every appearance has to be qualified with, “the crowd was mostly okay with him being there.”

1. Dolph Ziggler defeated The Miz. Can we leave Sami Zayn vs. Kevin Owens at WrestleMania a one-on-one match and shoehorn The Miz into somebody else’s feud? Give him to Ziggler. Hell, do Triple H vs. Roman Reigns vs. The Miz for all I care, just give me Zayn and Owens.

2. Bubba Ray Dudley defeated Goldust. After the match, The Dudleys beat up Goldust and R-Truth made the save. The Usos got involved too, because uce, and it looks like we’re building to a big multi-team match at Mania. Can we sneak Enzo and Cass in there as well? This week’s Smackdown report is very demanding.

– Kalisto accepts Ryback’s challenge for a match at WrestleMania in 2,000 words or less.

– Charlotte, Becky Lynch and Sasha Banks had an in-ring confrontation about their Divas Championship triple threat at WrestleMania. Backstage, Brie Bella tried to take a bit of a sandwich but Lana showed up, and Brie accidentally dropped the sandwich.

– The New Day accepted the League of Nations challenge for a match at WrestleMania. It’ll be Kofi, Xavier and Big E vs. Sheamus, Rusev, Alberto Del Rio and a pile of laundry wearing a crown.

3. Kofi Kingston defeated A Pile Of Laundry. King Barrett, everybody. Nobody loses with more futility.

– Dean Ambrose went to a bar and then beat up the Social Outcasts with a kendo stick. Not at the bar. +1 if Bo Dallas ever refers to it as a “Bo staff.”

4. Kevin Owens defeated AJ Styles. Here’s your reason to watch Smackdown. Owens wins with a pop-up powerbomb after Chris Jericho distracts Styles. It’s Smackdown, what’d you expect? When it comes to clean finishes, they don’t want none.