The Assumptive WWE Smackdown Spoilers Report For May 26, 2016

Welcome to the Smackdown spoilers report. Are you reading this intro blurb? Purple monkey dishwasher. This is the weekly column where we find out what happened on Smackdown from a third party, write it up like we watched it ourselves and jump to conclusions about it. It’s fun, and with Smackdown going live on Tuesdays soon, there won’t be many more of them. So enjoy!

Here’s What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown: (Reminder: these are actual Smackdown spoilers)

1. Money in the Bank Qualifying Match: Alberto Del Rio defeated Zack Ryder. Just in case you were wondering if they were gonna give Ryder another shot and play on that “nobody expects him to win the ladder match” WrestleMania magic. Del Rio won with a cross armbreaker, and Ryder will spend Money in the Bank depressingly tweeting from a TGI Friday’s.

– Big Cass, Enzo Amore and the Dudley Boyz had another confrontation. You’d think the Dudleys would get the hint at this point, but they get hit in the head a lot.

2. United States Championship Match: Rusev (c) defeated Kalisto. Rusev retained with an Accolade. After the match, Titus O’Neil of all people ran down to make the save for Kalisto. He challenged Rusev to a match and Rusev backed down, so maybe John Cena isn’t immediately destroying Rusev the second he returns?

3. Natalya defeated Dana Brooke. The match ended by DQ in “less than one minute” when Charlotte interfered. Good to see that removing Ric Flair from Charlotte’s matches is finally going to give them good, serious endings!

– AJ Styles is interviewed backstage and asked what’s next. He says he doesn’t know, and leaves. In this segment, AJ Styles is playing the role of a WWE writer.

4. Fandango and Tyler Breeze defeated R-Truth and Goldust. Fabreeze won with a rollup. Get excited for the culmination of this feud at WrestleMania 45!

– Seth Rollins cut a “short promo,” which I won’t believe until I see it.

5. Intercontinental Championship Match: The Miz (c) defeated Cesaro. Miz won with the Skull-crushing Finale, because apparently Miz is a super worker now and can beat everybody. If he keeps this up we’re gonna start calling him Miz-awa.