Like deadly Christmas tree fires and turkey farts, WWE’s “Santa’s Little Helper” matches have become a regrettable staple of the holiday season. If you’re new to WWE, or just wisely skip their programming between Survivor Series and Royal Rumble, every year (or twice in 2014) WWE has all their available female talent dress as Mrs. Claus or, uh, his elf mistress or something and participate in a battle royal or multi-woman tag match, while Jerry Lawler goes on like a sad old man about stuffing stockings and other gross stuff. The matches are typically terrible, and the “sexy” Christmas outfits the girls wear are usually significantly less scandalous than their usual ring gear.
There’s been a lot of these things over the past decade-or-so, but I bravely tackled them all to find the five worst Santa’s Little Helper’s matches of them all. Pray for me…
#5. Armageddon 2008 – Maria, Kelly Kelly, Mickie James & Michelle McCool vs. Maryse, Jillian Hall, Victoria & Natalya
This one isn’t the worst Yule-time abomination I’ve ever seen – I’m largely sticking it in the #5 spot due to the commentary team, which consists of Jim Ross (okay, off to a good start), Jerry Lawler, Michael Cole (uh oh), Tazz, Todd Grisham (oh no) and Matt Striker (Jesus, kill me). I’m not sure what hell looks like, but this is absolutely what it sounds like. Even Jim Ross gives in to peer pressure and starts making jokes about Jerry Lawler’s weiner half-way through. As for the match itself, well, it’s from that halcyon era when Kelly Kelly was the focus of the women’s division, so most of match is talented ladies trying to figure out how to sell for Kelly doing bad cartwheels.
Questionable Christmas fashion highlight: Michelle McCool in a nutcracker hat, bra and tiny trunks that are held up with suspenders for some reason. Also questionable — the excessive butt coverage of Mickie James’ outfit.
#4. 2014 Tribute to the Troops – Brie Bella, Nikki Bella, Paige, Naomi, Alicia Fox, Cameron, Rosa Mendes, Emma, Natalya & Summer Rae in a Battle Royal
Well, time to take back all that complaining about 2014 being a forgettable year – how could you not remember a year that served up the fourth worst Santa’s Little Helper match of all time? The theme of this match, which happened just last week, is that everyone in the current Divas division is stupid and/or crazy. Mostly stupid. Somebody holds up Cameron’s mirror and she’s transfixed by it like a parakeet. For some reason Paige, badass former champion Paige decides to go outside the ropes and hang on the turnbuckle like it’s a stripper pole. Brie slides through somebody’s legs right out of the ring. Emma is outsmarted by Rosa Mendes. If you want everything wrong with the main roster Divas division encapsulated in four minutes, watch this match.
Questionable Christmas fashion highlight: I don’t know who this Tom Brokaw chick is, but I dunno, she’s not really doing it for me.
#3. Raw, December 24, 2001 – Torrie Wilson vs. Stacy Kiebler
This one’s a twofer! It’s both a Santa’s Little Helper match and an Eggnog match. Yes, for those who have only been watching since the “smart, sexy and powerful” era began, WWE used to make women wrestle in kiddie pools full of stuff, like, all the time. These matches were embarassing enough when they involved pudding or other traditional foxy boxing substrates, but this match is particularly egregious since, well, let’s be revoltingly honest – it looks like Torrie and Stacy are rolling around in pool of watery spunk. I’ve never really got the food = sexy thing, but is there anybody out there seriously turned on by thought of women wearing eggnog-soaked felt and fake fur Santa suits? On second thought, don’t answer that.