Welcome to this week’s edition of the assumptive WWE Smackdown Spoilers report, the only column online that tells you what happens on Smackdown and jumps to conclusions about it. The only one ANYWHERE. You can’t even find this thing in a MAGAZINE.
Here’s What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown:
(reminder: these are actual Smackdown spoilers)
1. Cameron defeated Naomi. This makes sense, as Cameron is the 17th best female wrestler in the world and 21 wrestlers better than Naomi. Cameron won when she put Naomi in a standing bear hug and yelled, “COUNT IT REF.”
2. Sami Zayn defeated Justin Gabriel. The battle of bunnies! Sami Zayn won when Fandango showed up and wrestled that entire match from Survivor Series and Raw, defeating Gabriel with a top rope leg drop. Note: Sami Zayn can win the little one.
WWE Smackdown Taping Results
– The Miz opened the show with MizTV. His guest was Daniel Bryan, who is guest general manager for the night. They talked for several minutes about how sad it must be to have won the WWE Championship, but know you’re never winning it again.
1. Rusev won a 20-man battle royal to retain the United States Championship. As a reminder, Rusev is the babyface. He stood up for his girlfriend/manager on Monday to keep her from having to do the Pledge of Allegiance to a nation she’s (kayfabe) not a member of, and here he not only participates in the punishment battle royal, he WINS it. Rusev would be Magnum TA right now if the colors on his flag were in a different order.
– Bray Wyatt cut a promo. Can’t wait to hear what one of those sounds like!
2. Nikki Bella defeated Emma. Nikki cut a promo on AJ afterwards, and AJ showed up. They probably argued about their personal lives, because their professional lives are exactly the same, the only difference being the Bellas were on NXT as Pros instead of Rookies. Nobody mentioned Brie Bella’s “I’m her bitchsistant for 30 days” stipulation being up, because somebody Men In Black’d us.
3. Ryback defeated Seth Rollins. Ryback won when Kane interfered and hit him with a chair, drawing a disqualification. You can tell they’re positioning Ryback to be a main-event player because they’ve stopped letting him win matches with his finish. He either wins with a secondary move, or he wrestles for 10 minutes and gets a DQ. RAISE YOUR HAND IF YOU’RE EXCITED FOR THE RYBACK VS. KANE FEUD.
4. The New Day defeated Heath Slater, Titus O’Neil, and Curtis Axel. It’s not a red herring. Also, first person in the comments to come up with the perfect name for the heel trio here gets a high five. The best I’ve come up with is Minnesator Gator, and that’s f*cking terrible. McGatorcutty?
– Daniel Bryan said he’d be back soon. The arena patted him on the shoulder and told him he was doing a great job.
5. Dolph Ziggler defeated Luke Harper. Ziggler won by countout, so Harper’s still the champion. That’s two losses for Intercontinental Champion Harper this week, for the record. Soon he’ll join Ziggler, Wade Barrett and The Miz in the IC title run hall of fame.