The Assumptive WWE Smackdown Spoilers Report For 12/26/14

Last week there was no assumptive Smackdown spoilers report because of a Tuesday edition of Super Smackdown Live. This week we have to post the report on Monday, because the show was taped on Sunday night. WWE’s just switching it up every week now to see if they can make me stop writing “ugh, Adam Rose” about every episode.

Regardless, enjoy this week’s edition of the only column online that tells you what happens on Smackdown, then becomes a total a-hole about it without actually watching it. The only one.

What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown:
(reminder: these are mostly real Smackdown spoilers)

– Hulk Hogan starts off the show (brother) and announces that he’s this week’s GM (dude). He’s interrupted by Seth Rollins. Rollins is interrupted by Dolph Ziggler. Ziggler is interrupted by The Big Show. Show is interrupted by Roman Reigns. Show is then joined by a Himalayan ice mummy, and the two simultaneously bear hug Hogan until he’s unconscious. A double main-event is made for the night: Rollins and Show vs. Reigns and Ziggler, and Hogan battling the aforementioned mummy in a monster truck sumo battle on the arena roof. The mummy drives a car wrapped in bandages. Okay, only the tag team match happens, but don’t pretend like you don’t want to see a mummy monster truck.

1. Ryback defeated Kane. Couldn’t get enough of Kane vs. Ryback during the Chairs Match at TLC? Have another scoop!

2. Naomi defeated Alicia Fox. Both women smiled a lot and clapped their hands, and were praised as “so positive” by the announce team. After the match, Jimmy Uso ran out and got in their faces for calling his wife “positive.”

3. Adam Rose defeated R-Truth. Adam Rose is now shooing away the Rosebuds and not doing the trust fall. Hey, remember when the only thing about Fandango that was over was his entrance theme, so they took away his entrance theme? Same deal. Rose won with his finish, now called “In Six Months You Won’t Remember I Existed.”

4. United States Championship Match: Rusev vs. Dean Ambrose was a no contest, or something. Bray Wyatt interfered, and he and Ambrose once again fought with a bunch of weapons. Remember how the build to TLC was just a bunch of Survivor Series stuff? Now the build to the Royal Rumble is just a bunch of TLC stuff. WWE Fast Lane will be promoted by a bunch of people picking numbers for the famous Fast Lane Battle Royal.

5. Jimmy Uso defeated The Miz. From the actual spoiler report: “The Miz tries to leave after getting beat up most of the match but Jimmy brings him back to the ring. Miz tries to shake hands but Jimmy hits two superkicks and a splash for the win.” I hope the next sentence is “Naomi decided to move into her parents’ house.”

– Goldust and Stardust cut a backstage promo about how they’re searching for something called a “cosmic key.” I’m kidding, but if they did you wouldn’t be surprised, would you?

6. Dolph Ziggler and Roman Reigns defeated Big Show and Seth Rollins. Reigns speared Rollins to win the match for his team. Reigns looked really strong. After the match, Ziggler pointed at Reigns and asked, “doesn’t he look really strong?” The announce team talked amongst themselves before reaching the consensus that yes, Roman Reigns did indeed look really strong. As the show was going off the air, you could hear a production team member say “Roman looked strong” to someone, or possibly everyone.

And that’s the show. Merry Boxing Day from your pals at WWE!