The Assumptive WWE SmackDown Spoilers Report For 5/7/15

Welcome to this week’s assumptive WWE SmackDown spoilers report, a thing where we read SmackDown results somewhere and jump to a bunch of conclusions without ever watching it. It’s a valuable resource.

On this week’s episode: Erick Rowan finally goes, “uh, shit, what have I been doing for the past six months?”

Here’s What Happens On This Week’s SmackDown:
(reminder: these are actual SmackDown spoilers)

1. Dolph Ziggler defeated Bad King Barrett. This match was made when Barrett insulted Jerry Lawler for not being a “real king” and ordered him to say “all hail King Barrett.” Dolph Ziggler is a hero to the elderly. According to the spoilers, Ziggler won with a Fame-asser and accidentally summoned the ghost of Teddy Long, making this a TAG TEAM MATCH~! Because nothing makes you want to see guys wrestle in a tag like having just watched them wrestle one-on-one. “MAKE IT HAPPEN AGAIN, BUT HAVE THEM STAND STILL AND HOLD A ROPE FOR SEVERAL MINUTES.”

2. Dolph Ziggler and Neville defeated Wade Barrett and Sheamus. Keep being friends with Ziggler and you’re gonna have a bad time. There’s no reason this story shouldn’t end with Neville turning on Dolph and WWE finally doing that “United Kingdom” story from WWE 12 everybody loves. Better yet, give Neville a Royal Baby gimmick. Instead of him falling from outer space, a stork brings him to the stage.

3. Luke Harper defeated Fandango. Erick Rowan has realized that “award-winning vintner who enters to jangly folk music” isn’t a marketable character, so he’s back to being the crazy sheep guy in a bayou cult. Fandango has realized that “dance-pointing” isn’t a gimmick that should win you matches, so he’s, uh, losing matches. Can Layla and Summer Rae return and bring his story full circle, or did they Thelma and Louise each other?

– Rusev spoke about John Cena. Note: There should be a Siberian gulag you get thrown into forever if you do “what” chants at a wrestling show in 2015.

4. The New Day defeated Tyson Kidd, Cesaro and Ryback. Ryback lost when he was distracted by Bray Wyatt’s BLEARP. The WWE Payback main-event is going to end with Dean Ambrose, Roman Reigns and Seth Rollins teaming up to reform the Shield and destroy Randy Orton, so it makes sense that the Wyatt Family would put the band back together and go after them over the summer. Suggested summer story for Kidd and Cesaro: They are neutered mid-card babyfaces who try to get over by smirking and calling people stupid.

5. Naomi defeated Emma. Maybe Emma should’ve reached into the crotch of her trunks and pulled out the sentient pink sock puppet snake that’s been hibernating there since last June.

6. The Lucha Dragons defeated Los Matadores. Congratulations to Diego for his SmackDown main-event!

– The MAIN EVENT HAPPENSTANCE was a contract signing for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship match at Payback, which I guess they’ve been advertising for a couple of weeks now without confirming it? I don’t know how they do business. Anyway, Dean Ambrose got the best of everyone by being hyper-aware of how WWE contract signings work, which is the new “going through the motions of how contract signings usually work.” Just because you say “lol contract signings” doesn’t make them a thing that should main-event your shows. In a related note, I hope Roman Reigns’ signature is a full paragraph about how he can do whatever he wants and is gonna punch you in da mouf.

That’s our show!