Smackdown happens this week! You won’t be watching it, but you kinda want to know what happened, right? I mean, you don’t really want to know what happened, but you’re interested in who answers Kevin Owens’ NXT open challenge, and if like, John Cena breaks his leg or something, you want to know.
Here’s the good news: We have the assumptive WWE Smackdown spoilers report to tell you what happened on the show and jump to all the appropriate, irrational conclusions without you having to watch. The bad news is that Smackdown happens this week!
Here’s What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown:
(reminder: these are actual Smackdown spoilers)
– The show opens with Seth Rollins celebrating the one-year anniversary of The Shield, which is right behind “Rusev says he didn’t quit in the I Quit match against John Cena and tries to have it re-started on Raw” as the biggest heel move of the year. Dean Ambrose interrupts via the TitanTron, assumedly dressed like a clown, making balloon animals and smoking cigarettes because he’s cool.
1. The Prime Time Players defeated The Ascension and The Lucha Dragons. The Prime Time Players are being pushed this cycle, so they get to win matches over everyone else. In a month or two when it’s time for us to take The Ascension seriously again, they’ll get at least two squash victories over the Prime Time Players. Meanwhile, Kalisto found a way to spend this entire match on top of an Elimination Chamber pod. No idea.
2. Ryback defeated Stardust. This is a build to the upcoming Stardust vs. Stephen Amell match, and by “build” I mean “Stardust can’t beat any wrestlers so let’s see how he does against C-team nerd TV stars.” Can’t wait for Stardust vs. the guy from M.A.N.T.I.S.!
– Paige cut a promo saying “twin magic” is coming to an end. This is a promo from 2013. Either that, or Paige has learned how to do the Butterfly Effect and is traveling back in time to make sure Nikki kills Brie in the womb like she wanted.
– Erick Rowan and Luke Harper cut a backstage promo about whoops, couldn’t muster enough interest to finish that sentence.
3. Kevin Owens defeated Zack Ryder. Yes, ZACK RYDER answered Kevin Owens’ NXT Title Open Challenge. Owens beat up Ryder and pop-up powerbombed him repeatedly, because the only way you could make Zack Ryder less threatening is by giving him a cape and a crown.
4. Neville defeated Kofi Kingston. If this isn’t the first step toward getting Bo Dallas into The New Day, we’ve failed as a nation.
– Lana was a guest on Miz TV, but was interrupted by Rusev and Dolph Ziggler, who argue over her. This combination of words makes me want to put a pillow in my face and scream. I’m going to pretend it ended with Miz beating up Rusev and Ziggler, stacking them up in a little pile and Skull-crushing Finale’ing Lana onto them.
5. Sheamus vs. Roman Reigns was a No Contest. Kane interrupted and choke-slammed everyone, announcing that he’s in the Money in the Bank ladder match. This brings out Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins, because Smackdown is contractually obligated to end with Kane and Seth Rollins fighting Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns. The Summer of Kane has begun!