The Assumptive WWE Smackdown Spoilers Report For 7/16/15

WWE Battleground happens this Sunday, July 19, so you can count on the go-home edition of Smackdown to… do a less-important version of whatever happened on Raw. What, have you never seen Smackdown before?

Here’s this week’s assumptive WWE Smackdown spoilers report, the column where we go to a wrestling news site, find somebody’s spoiler report, copy it into WordPress and write a bunch of pessimistic jokes about it without having actually seen it or knowing where anything’s going. The shorter description for that is, “this report is like THE INTERNET.”

What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown:
(reminder: these are at least based on actual Smackdown spoilers)

– Roman Reigns opens the show arguing with Bray Wyatt on the TitanTron. All I want from this is for Dean Ambrose to run in all, “That’s not Bray Wyatt! That’s a picture of Bray Wyatt!”

1. The New Day defeated The Lucha Dragons. The Prime Time Players were at ringside, and the match ended when both teams simultaneously hot-tagged Titus O’Neil. He ran in, hit the Clash of the Titus on the referee, then made the unconscious referee do the Millions of Dollars dance. I don’t know, this is how WWE books Titus O’Neil in my head.

2. Bad News Barrett defeated Jack Swagger. Barrett managed to pull out a win over Swagger, one of two regulars worse than R-Truth. Next week, Barrett interrupts a Dean Ambrose vs. Bo Dallas match and pins… one of them?

3. Cesaro defeated Rusev. Here’s your reason to watch Smackdown. Your reason to get irrationally mad at Smackdown: The crowd chanting “USA” in support of Cesaro. The only way I’m accepting this is if WWE Shop digs out a few crates of those awesome U.S. flag and bald eagle Cesaro U.S. Champion shirts.

4. Neville defeated Stardust. On Raw this week Stardust beat Neville, Rusev beat Cesaro and King Barrett lost. On Smackdown, Neville beats Stardust, Cesaro beats Rusev and King Barrett wins. Everybody’s protected and nobody is, hooray!

– The Naomi/Tamina/Sasha Banks group is now known as “BAD: Best At Dominating.” I hope the naming process was Tamina going into the writer’s room like, “Hey, what should I call myself?” The writers were like, “bad?” and Tamina’s eyes lit up, and she happily ran off to tell Naomi. The writers all shook their heads and got back to making sure the Neville/Stardust match went less than 30 seconds.

5. Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns defeated Sheamus and Big Show. Hi, I’m a dancing frog, how do you think this match ends? Why, with Bray Wyatt interfering and attacking Roman Reigns, of course! Hello my baby, hello my darling, hello my ragtime gaaaaaal.