WWE tapes Smackdown on Tuesdays. People go home and send write-ups of what happened on the show to wrestling websites on Tuesday night. On Wednesday morning, we take other peoples’ Smackdown spoilers and jump to conclusions about them, even though we weren’t at the show and honestly have no idea what’s happening. On Wednesday around noon, you click the link and maybe scroll up and down quickly to read the boldface. On Thursday, nobody watches Smackdown. On Friday morning, we’ve forgotten what happened on Smackdown.
I just can’t wait to see King!
Here’s What Happened On This Week’s Smackdown:
(reminder: without the assumptions, these are actual Smackdown spoilers)
– The Wyatt Family opens the show with an in-ring promo. They show a replay of what Braun Strowman did to Randy Orton on Raw. Rich Brennan mentions that the move was “not Dim Mak.” Braun Strowman says YEAH? WELL NEITHER IS THIS and smashes a brick on his face.
1. Cesaro defeated The Miz. From now on, all matches featuring the Intercontinental Championship Division will be operated under “Don’t Wake Daddy” rules, with Big Show as Daddy. Cesaro was able to win when his Sharpshooter did not wake daddy.
2. Paige vs. Sasha Banks was a no-contest. This devolved into a fight between Team PCB and Team BAD. Imagine it as a scene from West Side Story, except none of the characters have a reason to be fighting.
3. The New Day vs. Roman Reigns, Dean Ambrose and Jimmy Uso was… a no-contest? Yes, The Shield has already downgraded from Randy Orton to Jimmy Uso. Things are going well for them until the lights go out and the Wyatt Family attacks. New plan: If the Wyatts are attacking everybody who says they’ll help you out, maybe don’t announce your partner choices on Raws and Smackdowns? They’re teleporting bog-billies, not mind readers.
4. The Ascension defeated The Lucha Dragons. The dream of NXT is alive on Smackdown. The Ascension win with the Fall of Man after Stardust interferes, because on Smackdown, The Ascension has a story. On Raw, they are cardboard cutouts of wrestlers somebody picked up from an FYE. I’m still hoping Stardust formally turns them into henchmen and makes them wrestle in turtlenecks like they’re 1960s Batman burglars.
– Nikki Bella explains her fillings in a backstage promo.
5. Seth Rollins defeated Ryback in a Champion vs. Champion Lumberjack Match. This turned into one of those Royal Rumble “see you Sunday!” matches, where the lumberjacks all get involved. Rollins is ultimately able to pedigree Ryback and win, because he is the man. The man known as the Architect. A thoroughbred in the prime of his career.