Oh God, Alberto Del Rio’s stunt double better keep an eye on his car.
– Hey folks, don’t forget to share this week’s report. I did it! Now you make like Damien Sandow and do it too!
Hit the next page for your Main Event of the evening (er, afternoon)…
Worst: The Mid-Card Title Challenger Treadmill
This particular episode of Main Event focuses pretty heavily on the mid-card belts, so as long as we’re on the subject, I have to ask — why haven’t the IC and US titles been unified yet? Not the most original sentiment, but Jesus, Miz loses the Intercontinental Championship and immediately challenges for the US title, while Cesaro challenges the IC champion after failing to win the US title. It’s a four guy division with two belts. At any particular moment you stand a 50% of being champion, and if a title shot doesn’t work out, you can immediately get one for the other belt. That doesn’t pan out? Just try the other belt again! It bores me just to think about. On the bright side, some day soon they’re going to randomly match up Ziggler and Sheamus (those are the champions now, right?) and unify the titles by accident.
Best: Ain’t That a Kick in the Head
I’m a bit torn on this segment — on balance it’s a Best, but I wasn’t crazy about a good portion of it. I wasn’t terribly excited to see Damien Sandow doing an impression of a guy who isn’t The Miz. There’s a certain dignity to the stunt double thing. It seems like the Miz actually appreciates Sandow impersonating him, and Sandow commits to it with all his heart. It’s a healthy doppleganger/dopplegangee relationship. By comparison, Sandow coming out in a half-assed Sheamus costume conjures up memories of the sad Davey Crockett/Magneto era. Damien Sandow isn’t a clown, he’s a professional Miz stand-in and he’s the best in the world at what he does, dammit.
That said, Sandow found ways to salvage the segment. Damien Sheadow finally confirming the lobster headed lyrics to Sheamus’ theme song was fantastic, and Sandow being compelled to stunt double for Sheamus because he happened to be dressed like him at the moment was a level of stupid-clever you rarely see on WWE programming. Also, as great as Sandow is right now, you shouldn’t short-change Miz. Sandow is my favorite WWE character right now, but Miz is probably my second favorite — his bit about not needing to do anything to earn what he wants was great.
Sheamus, of course, was human garbage. He comes out, insists a guy who’s beaten him twice in a row has done nothing to earn a title shot, then beats up a man doing a loving tribute to him without the slightest provocation. Even though he was trying to keep up the fun guy veneer, Sheamus was clearly soooo sniffy and offended by the whole thing. How dare Sandow do a bad Irish (Scottish?) accent while impersonating him. Ethnic humor, how crass.
Also, Christ, trim you moustache/beard thing, dude. First guy that grabs onto the orange pubes hanging off Sheamus’ chin during a match earns my undying affection.
Best: Cats ‘n’ Facts
As you may have already heard, Tyson Kidd now has cats on his kickpads. I dunno — I don’t watch Total Divas, so I might not be getting the full picture, but this doesn’t really seem consistent with his character. Tyson’s supposed to be an uptight a-hole who wants to separate himself from anything that has to do with his wife, right? Then again, it’s not like I’m going to Worst a guy covered with Persian cat faces. I’m not a monster.
Also, this marked the official main roster debut of Tyson Kidd’s patented FACTS.
FACT — There are two things in this world that will never lie to you, CATS and FACTS. Oh, Tyson, Tyson, Tyson. Cats are the lords of all lies. Have you smelled what comes out of them? They’re furry little balls of pure evil (chill out cat lovers, I have owned one or more cats my entire life).
Are…are the cats whispering things to you about Nattie? Is that why the marriage is on the rocks? They don’t have your best interests in mind. They want you to kill each other so they can feast on your sweet, supple hooman flesh.
Worst: Truth Beats Facts
Oh right, there was also a match. Tyson was on his way to pulling a miraculously decent match out of R-Truth, but unfortunately the finish was, well, I don’t even know. Tyson goes for the Sharpshooter and Nattie leaps up onto the apron, because I guess she was just so excited to see a move she does in every single one of her own matches? Then there was sort of a collision between Tyson and Nattie and R-Truth won. Bleh.
Minor Best for Natalya’s little black dress tonight. Both for the obvious prurient reasons, and because her butt wasn’t totally covered in cat hair — that’s no small feat when you live in a house with multiple long-haired cats.
Main Event Status: Woof. The guy who’s gimmick is that he’s not a guy against R-Truth. I can’t even go 5% on this one — 2%.
Best: Cesaro vs. Justin Gabriel
This was good, although probably not as good as you’re imagining. Again, this was one of those weird Cesaro matches where he intentionally holds himself back. You’d think a Cesaro/Gabriel match would be 80% Cesaro uppercutting Gabriel into the rafters, but he didn’t throw a single one, opting for chops instead. Maybe Cesaro’s trying to prove a point with these matches? Trying to show he’s versatile and can work different styles? Honestly, I don’t really see the point when your default style is the best in the world.
Still, there was some nice technical wrestling to start, and everything from Gabriel was super fluid — he even made a hurricanrana look good! Like I said, this was good, just not quite the style of good I was hoping for.
Main Event Status: A nice match, but definitely a Jakked special. 10%.
Best: Gettin’ Anal
How many times can you say “anus” on a TV-PG show? Whatever the number, Rusev exceeded it, because I’m pretty sure he somehow managed to say anus a dozen times within 30-seconds. Also, he’s started dropping his Gs? The Big Show isn’t just a stinking anus now, he’s a stinkin’ anus. Was WWE afraid the Bulgarian Brute didn’t sound American enough?
Best: Rusev’s Best Opponent
Big E is still Rusev’s best opponent — he’s a mountain of muscle who can believably take Rusev’s offense and keep on coming, but, much like Rusev, he’s not actually that tall. When Rusev faces a Mark Henry or Big Show, he’s towered over and you actually start to feel some sympathy for Rusev, which detracts from his mystique somewhat. Also, it’s nice whenever Big E is briefly allowed to be a competent pro wrestler again.
Even though Big E has fallen off the map, this may have been his most competitive match with Rusev to date. Rusev’s been allowed to look more vulnerable as of late, and so this was a pretty solid back and forth affair. Hopefully one day, way off down the line after Rusev has finally suffered his first loss, poor Big E will finally get his win.
Main Event Status: Rusev’s pretty close to a top guy right now, while Big E is pretty close to non-existant. Ehhhh, let’s say 25%. No, no, make it 28% so we end up with a round number.
Final Main Event Tally: After last week’s near-miss, we drop all the way back to 40% this week. But hey, cat kick pads!