Cheer up Tyson, at least this was also a thing that happened.
Pre-show Notes:
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Hit the next page for your Main Event of the evening (er, afternoon)…
Best: Damien Sandmuppet
So, Miz and Sandow came out to protest the egregious miscarriage of justice that occurred during their match with the Usos on Raw, and the latest addition to Sandow’s repertoire is that, instead of mouthing the same words as The Miz while imitating him during interviews, he just flaps his mouth like a poorly operated Muppet. It’s a vast improvement, because of course it is. Somehow every new addition to this act is better than the last.
Then the Usos came out, and I won’t lie, they were pretty obnoxious, but I’m not going to bust on them too hard, because I think their central point was sound. When Miz confronted The Usos about employing a little Twin Magic on Raw, they basically just responded with a simple “f*ck you, we won because we’re the better team” which is valid. Pulling off a twin switch does take a fair amount of tag team coordination, and swapping in a fresh guy isn’t really some great sin. How is it any worse than stuff that happens in literally every tag team match, like double-team moves, or the final parade of finishers where everybody just runs into the ring regardless of who’s legal? It’s not. Honestly, the only reason people think pulling switches is unbecoming of the Usos is because the Bellas did it on about 500 consecutive shows, so it’s associated with women’s wrestling, specifically shitty 2010 – 2012 WWE women’s wrestling. But hey, the Bellas are actually pretty boss in the ring now, so as far as I’m concerned, the Usos can copy ’em all they want.
Worst: No You Don’t, WWE. No…You…Don’t
Oh no. No, no, no – WWE started teasing Miz/Mizdow dissension in their match with the Usos, a move I must condemn in the strongest, clearest language possible. This will not stand. This is un-f*cking-acceptable.
Miz and Sandow are the perfect team – this whole stunt double idea would not have worked as well with any other combination of men. Miz is the most rehearsed, phony dude on the roster, nobody else is as easy or fun to mimic, and nobody is simultaneously as shameless and dedicated to their craft as Sandow. This is a once-in-a-lifetime pairing that needs to stick together for years. At least let them accomplish some small thing before you split them up – a brief tag title run or something.
All that said, if they have to break up Miz and Sandow, I look forward to seeing if Sandow can somehow copy Miz’s moves while bumping for them at the same time.
Main Event Status: Miz & Sandow vs. The Usos has some solid star power, and at least it isn’t The Usos vs. Gold & Stardust again, but I can’t be too generous to any match that teases a Miz/Mizdow breakup. Let’s say 10%.
Worst: Oh Jesus, I Want To Give Tyson Kidd A Hugg
Okay, full disclosure – I’m a guy who writes about wrestling and video games online, while my fiance works a good office job. She’s makes more money than me, and is generally in a more stable position job-wise, and that’s fine with me. Maybe if we weren’t making ends meet it would be something discussed more often, but we are, and frankly it’s pretty much a total non-issue. I’d rather do something I like than compete with my significant other. Admittedly though, there are times, like when talking jobs with some distant rarely-seen relative, where a little bit of that male pride can bubble up – it doesn’t help that nobody over the age of 40 is capable of understanding what I do. Maybe I…fix computers? Or…make websites? Do I write for the wrestling shows? Or maybe make video games? No? Very puzzling.
So yeah, I’m not saying my relationship is anything like Nattie and Tyson’s on-screen marriage, but I have a feeling it’s not far removed from their actual marriage (if Nattie being more successful was a real issue, it would have torn them apart a long time ago) and so I feel for the dude when WWE goes out of their way to portray him as he world’s most pathetic limp-dick asshole because he makes marginally less money than his wife.
Tyson’s stint on guest commentary here was particularly egregious, as JBL just bombarded the guy with one horrible, regressive comment after another. Does Nattie MAKE YOU HOLD HER PURSE when she’s on the red carpet? Tyson, Tyson…does Nattie GIVE YOU AN ALLOWANCE, heh heh? I swear, I came this close to destroying my new laptop, but ultimately decided shitting directly into JBL’s garbage mouth would be an empty gesture. Cole was really no better, insisting over and over that Tyson must be a bad person because he wasn’t gripped with worry every time his trained wrestler wife was hit with a clothesline.
The one bright spot (well, aside from Tyson’s Stu Hart impressions) was Byron Saxton, who stayed mostly silent throughout the flaying, then earned my affection forever by dropping an embarrassed “Tyson, I’m sorry this happened” after it was all over.
Best: The Actual Match
I really should try to watch this match again without the monkey house shrieking in the background, because I’m pretty sure it was good. Like, really good. Nattie was German suplexing Paige like a tiny, huskier-voiced Brock Lesnar, and also, face licking. Yeah. Pretty sure with decent commentary this would have been excellent.
Main Event Status: Two of the biggest stars in the Divas division beating the extensions off each other. I’ll go 25%.
Best: Pieces Of You
Turns out all they needed to do to really make me like Bray Wyatt promos was to take Bray Wyatt out of them.
Best: Bo Dallas vs. Sheamus
I’m on the fence about this match, but I suppose I’m leaning towards a Best. I’m not a fan of Bo beating treated like a jobber, and he certainly was here, never mounting anything even approaching serious offense, but Bo made the best of it. Knocking Sheamus’ handshake away, slapping him in the face multiple times, that nice trip on the apron – this match was entirely the Bo show with Sheamus just standing around looking bemused until he was supposed to hit the Brogue Kick.
Main Event Status: Sheamus is still a pretty major star while Bo apparently isn’t any more. 25%.
Final Main Event Tally: Man, I feel like I should give this episode “making me sad and angry” demerits, but whatever, this show featured enough negativity already. 60%. Feel free to stay on the golf course forever, JBL.
