Okay, maybe a little humping.
Pre-show Notes:
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Hit the next page for your Main Event of the evening (er, afternoon)…
Worst: Unwatchable
I don’t think I’ve ever been so tempted to fast-forward a segment since I started recapping shows here at With Leather/Spandex. First off, it was another goddamn Dusts vs. Usos match. I swore off giving even he slightest of f*cks about these guys wrestling a month ago, and I haven’t changed my stance since.
Of course, a boring, overdone tag match is easy enough to tune out. No, the real issue here was the commentary. Were Los Matadores always so racist? They barely speak, so maybe they were, but we got a solid 10-minutes of Los Matadores chatter here, and oh my God. Do the most awful, stereotyped Mexican/Spanish voice you can — I can guarantee it won’t be half as bad as what Los Matadores were doing here. It was like a mix of Speedy Gonzalez and Mr. Yunioshi from Breakfast at Tiffany’s. There might have also been a bit of French lumberjack in there too? I dunno. On top of all that, we also had Michael Cole bullying this shit out of the poor Miz. I literally had a physical reaction to this segment – I was uncomfortable and embarrassed even though I was watching this in my office in front of an audience of nobody.
Main Event Status: I don’t want to pull the “I don’t rate” card, but I don’t rate Usos/Dusts matches any more.
Best: Nobody Loves Alicia
This match was merely okay most of the way through. Paige definitely has a set template for her matches now, and she wasn’t putting much effort into anything. She pretty much just holds her leg out and slaps her thigh for her kicks now – if they look good at all, it’s because her opponent took a nice bump.
That said, the match had a couple spots that pushed it into Best territory. One was Paige deciding, out of nowhere, that Michael Cole had to know that nobody loves Alicia. The other was Alicia reversing Paige’s silly sexy headbutts for the win. That spot has always seemed out of place in Paige’s otherwise no-nonsense arsenal, a weird Aksana hand-me-down, and Paige has had some comeuppance coming for overusing it for some time.
Main Event Status: A solid Divas match in terms of star power, but one we’ve seen too many times before. 10%.
Best: They Are All Lemons. Now Sing.
Here’s a twist I didn’t see coming. So, Renee is backstage asking Adam Rose about the Bunny’s high-larious attempted rape routine on Raw, and at first things go as you might expect. Rose says the Bunny will hump anything (props to Renee for her subtle “Wait, what?” sell) but then he goes into a spiel about how he found the Bunny on the street and saved him, just like he’s saved all his Rosebuds, because he’s a God. A party God.
So yeah, within the span of a single 30-second backstage segment Adam Rose established himself as a better cult leader than Bray Wyatt has ever been. I mean, just purely in terms of numbers Rose blows Wyatt off the map – Bray has managed to indoctrinate, what, two guys? Two guys who don’t even hang around with him anymore? Rose has a band of obedient, zealous followers everywhere he goes. A hamburger in every town.
And why not? Adam Rose is what a real cult leader looks like. A real cult leader doesn’t admit they’re evil and spell out their dastardly plans in elaborate, crazy-person speeches. They present an appealing, happy face – follow them and you’ll never be alone again! A non-stop party can be yours! They have simple, us vs. them, Rosebuds vs. Lemons philosophies not a bunch of contradictory vagaries.
But now a high ranking member of the Rosebuds is questioning their God-King, and Adam Rose is looking more tired and disheveled by the week. Hopefully the next step isn’t Adam deciding it’s time for his Rosebuds to return to the Party Comet, or cleansing the unbelieving Bunny with fire. Actually, hopefully they do go that direction, and yet somehow still don’t turn Rose fully heel…
“Oh, oh my God. I think Adam Rose laced the Kool-Aid. Look at all the bodies.”
“Don’t be such a stick in the mud, Byron! Party time all the time!”
“Michael, are you not seeing what I’m seeing? Oh Jesus, the Bunny’s insides are…has he been?”
“Come on Byron, dance! The Rosebuds just like to have a fun time! Anyways, John Cena…”
Worst: Love Triangle
Intergender, interspecies, uh, interfaith (Rosebuds vs. Lemons) – the progressive wrestling bar has been raised.
Man, sometimes being a Natalya apologist can be tough. The story of this match was Nattie being all distraught and torn about Tyson beating on The Bunny, which is the least justifiable thing possible. First of all, the Bunny was part of a wrestling match of his own free will, and all Tyson ever did to it was regular, legal wrestling moves. Also, Nattie wanted to start the match with the Bunny, so obviously she was planning to do wrestling moves to it too. Or she was planning to do something with it.
We’ve already established this man in a creepy bunny suit a) has a crush on Natalya and b) can’t control his butt humping urges, which should’ve sent Nattie running in the other direction, but nope, she wanted to get right in there. I’m not saying Nattie’s into butt stuff, but, well, I’m struggling to come to another conclusion. Maybe she’s just into furries. Furries and butt stuff? Hmmm, now we’re gettin’ somewhere.
Main Event Status: I dunno, what do you give a match that was mostly a guy in cat gear wrestling a man in a thrift store bunny costume? It’s times like these I question this whole Main Event format. Uh, 5%?
Best: The Sacrifice of Jack Swagger
This match was pretty passable, and was prefaced by a Wyatt promo that was also pretty passable. Bray’s mad at Ambrose for making a parody of him on Raw, but I dunno – I think you’re doing a pretty good job of that yourself, Bray. What’s Ambrose’ alternative? Actually taking your babble seriously? Come on now.
As already mentioned, Bray’s match with Swagger was okay. Very by the numbers, but it moved at a good pace and a few good shots were landed, including a nice stiff clothesline on the outside by Bray. An acceptable outing by WWE’s second best cult leader.
Main Event Status: I suppose both Bray and Swagger sort of mean something, but their both in pretty sad spots in their careers right now. 25%.
Final Main Event Tally: Woof. 40%. Aside from Adam Rose revealing himself to be the Jim Jones of stupid WWE comedy acts, this episode was not good. Sometimes Main Event lets the mid-card shine, sometimes it reveals there’s a good reason it wasn’t being allowed to shine in the first place.
