Two men to give thanks for.
– Hey you spunky rag tag kids, I believe in your ability to share this report, dammit. Don’t prove me wrong.
Hit the next page for your Main Event of the evening (er, afternoon)…
Best: The Miz Can
Damien Mizdow is now the most popular guy on the roster, which is well-deserved despite the fact that he’s playing a total doof – dude’s funnier, more inventive and working twice as hard as anyone else in the company right now. That said, I feel like The Miz’s contributions to the act are undervalued. This thing wouldn’t be working nearly as well if Miz weren’t such an irredeemable, unlikable butthole. As much as I hate to say it, I kind of see Sandow sinking back into the low-card mire once he no longer has Miz to play off.
Miz’s “acceptance speech” to kick off the show was some absolutely wonderful work. When the guy talks about how he’s a rag tag spunky kid from the mean streets of Cleveland that nobody said would make it, it works, because I think, deep down in his blackened little heart, he actually believes it. He’s using it as a comedy heel thing, but I’m sure he really does think of “Mike” and “The Miz” as different people. Taking your real-life insecurities and blowing them up to a grand scale is how being a heel is done, and Miz is doing a great job of it.
Best: Sandow’s Titles are Cooler Anyways
Man, Los Matadores may be my least favorite act in WWE right now. Everything they do is just so random and thoughtless. None of their matches tell any sort of story or build to anything – they’re just a collection of bad chubby dude high flying spots. That said, Sandow still slipped in enough good stuff that I’m giving this a Best. Him jumping off the apron when Miz did a top-rope move was particularly choice.
Oh, and Miz throwing Sandow’s poor replica titles aside like garbage at the end – my heart. It’s okay buddy, your titles may be smaller, but at least they’re actually gold.
Main Event Status: Well, we have a former world champion and the most over guy in WWE…and Los Matadores. I’ll give this a 25%.
Worst: The “Stephanie Likes Dancing With the Stars” Division
Yup, they couldn’t even wait a week to pit the NEW AND IMPROVED Fandango against Adam Rose. Hell, they should bring back Brodus Clay and just start a “Misused Dancin’ Guys” division – team Rose, Fandango and Brodus against A New Day in six mans on every show. Isolate the cancer from the rest of the roster.
It’s sad, because Fandango and Adam Rose are super solid guys. When this match wasn’t focusing on The Bunny being a rapey doucheface, it was probably the best action on the show. Fandango slamming Rose kidneys-first on the apron was actually a pretty sick spot. Unfortunately I just can’t give a Best to any segment that beings with a dramatic spotlight reveal of Rosa Mendes and her incredibly sad sorta splits attempt. I have my standards.
Main Event Status: Ehn, 5%? Well, I suppose Fandango is New and Improved, soooo, 6%.
Look upon a buffet and repeat the name “Layla” three times and she will appear to shove your face in a cake.
Best: Best in the World at What She Does
Layla is absolutely world class at what she does, and what she does is dump food on other girls’ heads. Has Layla ever been in a backstage segment that didn’t end in a food fight? Probably, but I certainly can’t remember any at the moment.
Worst: Natalya vs. Layla
A couple weeks ago Nattie and Lalya had a great little match on Smackdown, and this match was pretty much a carbon copy, except completely sapped of all vitality. The Smackdown match was hard-hitting and visceral, while this was just your standard girls doing sloppy moves for three or four minutes filler Divas thing. Also, Natalya had to wrestle the match with what looked like poop on her face, because apparently soap and towels are not things WWE has access to — if you get food shoved in your face backstage, you always, always have to come out to wrestle with the food still on your face.
Also, they’ve completely lost the thread with the Nattie/Tyson thing. At the end of the match Tyson jumps up in front of Nattie as she’s posing on the turnbuckle and Cole starts screaming about how he’s trying to leech of her success, but isn’t Tyson the more successful one now? He beat Sheamus and is having classic IC title matches on Smackdown and Natalya is wrestling Layla on Main Event. Moreover, Tyson is generally treated with a certain amount of dignity while Nattie is taking pies to the face and her “starring” role on Total Divas is as an unf*ckable perpetual loser. That said, this will all be redeemed if Tyson reveals it was actually him farting just off screen all along.
Main Event Status: According to my Main Event Rulebook, no match involving somebody with food on their face gets more than a 5%.
Worst: The House Showiest Match Ever
Wow, did Kane and Ambrose think this was a dark match? I haven’t seen two guys so completely half-ass a televised match in a long time. Kane spent 90% of the match standing in the middle of the ring avoiding bumping or any unnecessary movement and never hit anything more advanced than a punch. Ambrose on the other hand was throwing wacky windmill punches and selling like he was in a Charlie Chaplin movie. Also, he did this, whatever this is…
He also went for the goddamn rebound clothesline three times in a seven-minute match. The first two times Kane interrupted it, because it’s the most telegraphed stupid thing ever, and when Ambrose finally did hit one, it had no force or momentum behind it at all. Ambrose, dude, you can’t start coasting on your success until you’ve had some real success. Pick it up.
Main Event Status: Well, if this was based on effort, it’d get a flat zero. Based on star power though, this is actually one of the biggest matches Main Event has had in a while. I’ll give it a 40%.
Final Main Event Tally: 81% — one of the bigger Main Events in a while in terms of star power, although that didn’t really translate into entertainment value. But hey, somebody got a pumpkin pie shoved in their face, and that’s really all you have any right expecting from a Thanksgiving week edition of the C-show.