Grrr! I’m wearing my ANGRY face paint and licensed t-shirt!
– I had to sit through this God-forsaken show, all you have to do is take a second to share the report. It’s easy, so do it!
Hit the next page for your Main Event of the evening (er, afternoon)…
Arruhh arruhh yawn.
Worst: The Saddest Entrances
Wow, talk about starting the show on the most dreary note possible – Jack Swagger comes down to the ring without Zeb, then Titus comes out without Heath Slater, and both guys couldn’t possibly look any more bored and unmotivated. They can barely be bothered to do their signature taunts, then just sort of wander down to the ring looking tired and lost. Welcome to WWE Main Event folks!
The match itself was just as uninspired as the entrances. Titus was super sloppy and hitting Swagger way too hard, but hey, it’s not like Jack didn’t have it coming for his own past recklessness. The finish was particularly bad, featuring one of the most awkward sunset-flip reversal spots I’ve ever seen, and Swagger somehow falling on his face while applying the Patriot Lock. Woof.
Main Event Status: Jack Swagger vs. Titus O’Neil minus the guys that make either of them passably interesting. Let’s go with 10%.
Worst: Real American Feelings
So, I guess we’re doing Rusev vs. Jack Swagger again, and this time we’re supposed to care because Rusev attacked Zeb and goshdarnit, Swagger just loves and respects him so much. Listen, I was okay with Rusev/Swagger when it was just a silly, shallow flag-waving thing, but don’t ask me to actually feel sympathy for the old racist and his lisping shaved gorilla, because it’s probably not happening.
Also, a minor nitpick that makes me unreasonably upset – why the hell did Rusev attack Zeb’s leg? When has Rusev ever attacked anybody’s leg? Couldn’t they say Zeb’s fake injury was a back injury? They’d we’d at least get the joy of imagining Rusev putting Zeb in the Accolade backstage.
Worst: What the F*ck Are You Talking About
Hey, want to vote for Slammys? It’s easy! Categories will be released starting today at random intervals on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, Vine, Snapchat, Tumblr and the WWE SMS text messaging system, then nominees will be unveiled Saturday morning, then voting will begin Saturday evening on, I dunno, MySpace? Maybe you’ll have to spend Bitcoins for every vote, who the hell knows. Congratulations WWE, you’ve managed to make even the act of voting for the Slammys tiresome and no fun.
Worst: Adam Rose and The Bunny are Never Breaking Up
We all keep wondering when they’re finally, finally going to break up Adam Rose and The Bunny, but I think that line of questioning is giving WWE too much credit. I don’t think they’re ever going to break up. I mean, where could they go if they did break them up? It’s not like a guy in a $30 Easter Bunny costume is going to be able to make a go of it as a singles wrestler.
On Main Event Rose and The Bunny just straight up lost to Gold and Stardust. No wacky miscommunication or misunderstandings – they just lost to a finishing move in a couple minutes like a regular old bad tag team. Rose and The Bunny becoming the new Slater Gator (minute Slater Gator’s charm) is where this storyline ends. Well, it actually with Adam Rose being released, but we might have to wait another couple weeks for that.
Main Event Status: Rose and The Bunny are the new Slater Gator, and the Dusts aren’t really much above the despite being tag team champs for months. 5%.
Worst: My God, This Show
What could this show throw at me next? Rosa Mendes and the “New and Improved” Fandango? Sure, why not. AND NOW HERE’S R-F*CKING-TRUTH. Oh mighty wrestling gods – I don’t know what I’ve done to anger you, but you can stop now. I’ve got the message.
Do I have to recap this? R-Truth did his three or four things he does in every match, then Fandango did his three or four not particularly new or improved things he does in every match and won. During the match Rosa spent most of her time sort of squatting down and grabbing at her crotch. Does she have a bladder infection? Get a sequin lodged somewhere it shouldn’t be? Her passion burns as hot as her attempts to pee.
Main Event Status: I’m not rating Fandango/R-Truth, but I’ll give Rosa vs. her urinary tract a 1%.
Worst: A STAIRS MATCH
Yes, the STAIRS MATCH that Brandon joked about in the Raw report is actually happening. That’s it, I quit wrestling. A memorial for the years of my life I’ve spent watching WWE will be held at the graveyard.
Worst: What Is Miz’s Plan Supposed To Be At This Point?
Okay, so Jimmy Uso’s reaction to Miz giving Naomi a business card on Raw was nuts, but even if sudden explosive violence wasn’t warranted, I could understand him being at least briefly upset. You don’t have to read too deeply between the lines to know what Miz was trying to pull, but now the jig is up – it’s not like Naomi and Miz are going to hit the casting couch after Miz was caught red-handed on TV. So this is over, right?
Nope! Miz is still offering to hook Naomi up with talent agencies on Main Event – real ones like William Morris Endeavor and CAA, and at this point, the only logical conclusion is that he’s actually serious. Worst case scenario, Miz was creeping on Naomi, got caught and now is making an honest effort to make amends. Despite this, our hero Jimmy Uso is still a scary ball of violent rage about the whole thing.
Sadly all this passionate backstory didn’t make Miz vs. Jimmy Uso any better. It was still just an Usos singles match with Miz calmly doing all his signature moves. Sandow got in a few funny spots as usual, but other than that, eh, nothing special.
Main Event Status: Can’t go higher than 10% for an Usos singles match.
Final Main Event Tally: This week adds up to a dismal 26% and it was an all-Worsts show! Bravo WWE – you almost make producing terrible TV seem effortless.