Well 2014, at least you gave us The Boss, so I guess you weren’t all bad.
– Finish this year off like a boss by sharing this report. Forget the resolutions, do it now!
Hit the next page for your Main Event of the evening (er, afternoon)…
Man, it feels like it’s been weeks since I did one of these. Well, I suppose there was that Main Event that was just a recap show, then Main Event happened on the same day as Smackdown so I lumped them together, then I took Christmas Eve off – so, I guess it has been weeks since I did one of these. But hey, dedicated wrestling journalist that I am, I still watched last week’s show, so here’s a recap…
On Last Week’s Episode of WWE Main Event
Nattie wore this outfit, which I’m still confused and a little excited about.
Cesaro and Tyson Kidd got to look like competent pro-wrestlers and win a match against Los Matadores. Hold the memories close, because you probably won’t be seeing much of that in 2015.
Big E’s preacher voice made a white Canadian lady uncomfortable.
Finally, in the emotional capper of the night, Jack Swagger stumbled through something vaguely resembling a wrestling match.
And now, with the dramatic table set, sit back and enjoy this week’s episode of WWE Main Event…
Worst: No Apology?
What are you guys doing back? Edge and Christian are pretty much solely responsible for the Empire wiping out the Rebel victory at the last moment, and Edge was nearly murdered on live TV, but here they are, right as rain, makin’ with the funny words like nothing happened. No mea culpa? No admission that you kinda f*cked up that Raw gig? Oh well, at least Christian called somebody a reekazoid. Heh.
Oh, and our porcelain-necked hero Edge also dropped that he has killer lawyers and if anybody attacks them again, E&C will be the new owners of WWE. First off, no, that’s not how anything works anywhere, and second, if we accept that we live in a world where the ownership of corporations can change hands based on wrestling angles, then why aren’t Edge and Christian the owners of WWE right now? They’ve already been attacked! When a guy slips on pee while shopping for tube socks, he sues Costco right then and there – he doesn’t have to wait for it to happen again. This segment reeked of legal inaccuracy.
Best: Eat It, Kid!
Man, the Rosebud line-up was, uh, something else today. I’m pretty sure TV-PG only covers up to double-D implants (or whatever Nikki Bellas has) and a couple girls in tonight’s posse were pushing things well into TV-14 territory. I guess as long as we’re trotting out Attitude Era catchphrases, we might as get a little Godfather nostalgia going too. Thankfully Tessa Blanchard was also back to keep things classy-ish.
So, uh, did I miss a step somewhere? Is it just openly accepted on WWE TV that Adam Rose is a goober now? I mean, Adam Rose is a goober, so I’ve got no objections to him being treated as such, but it was a little weird when fun guys Edge and Christian started laying into a guy who, up until recently, was also firmly on WWE’s fun guy list. Anyways, I’ll admit, I bagged on E&C a bit up above for acting like nothing happened after their Raw debacle, but that’s mostly the fault of the writing team. Edge & Christian are on my bulletproof list – doesn’t really matter how they change or what they do, I’ll always enjoy ’em, so hey, I appreciated them dumping on one of my least favorite guys on the roster. Also, did I mention some of the Rosebuds had like, really large breasts? Well, it bears repeating.
Best: Charlotte vs. Sasha Banks
Whoops, I probably shouldn’t have been going on about giant boobs so close to this match. Sorry ladies.
Charlotte and Sasha had a “make up for Charlotte getting rolled up in two-minutes on Raw” match on Main Event, and it was solid stuff. Not as good as the best NXT women’s matches, but a sight better than 90% of the stuff on the main roster and a pretty good showcase of both ladies. Also, shockingly, the announcers treated the entire exercise with respect – like they were calling a real wrestling match or something. JBL even gave it the “that was fun to watch” rub. Hey Triple H, how about paying attention to the commentary more often?
I’ve said for a while that Sasha Banks has a better chance of success on the main roster than any of the girls in NXT (well, except Charlotte) and she didn’t prove me wrong here. Granted, she looked absolutely tiny in a main roster ring – I don’t know if NXT rings aren’t as big, or if it’s something to do with the smaller NXT crowds, but she’s never looked quite so itty bitty before. Still, she moved better than any girl on the roster here and exuded some real charisma, so I think she’s going to be just fine. Charlotte was, as always, a talented, if slightly off-putting female Ric Flair. Please more random NXT women’s matches in 2015, WWE.
Main Event Status: This is the rare case where the NXT wrestlers are actually bigger stars than whatever main roster talent they could have put out here. I don’t care if this isn’t NXT, Charlotte vs. Sasha is a big time WWE women’s match. 35%.
Worst: The Great Rowan
Congrats Rowan, you’re now the designated guy the camera slowly pans up to when somebody is hoping a pretty girl will show up to something. Enjoy killing Santino’s boner in 2015 buddy.
Best: The Year of the Gator
Obviously this was a bit of a clash of styles – Justin Gabriel spent the first minute flipping around and Titus spent that same minute looking generally confused, but then things actually got pretty good? Chalk it up to another instance of Justin Gabriel being way, way too good than he needs to be. Dude sold like crazy for Titus, and hit some really nice moves, including a pretty wicked top rope stomp to Titus’ back, along the way. Titus powerbombing Gabriel off the top for the finish was also pretty choice. Pretty sure 2015 won’t be the year of the gator, but it might be if Titus can figure out a way to wrestle Gabriel every week.
Main Event Status: Year of the gator or no, this only gets a 5%.
Blurst: The Only Way The Last Main Event of 2014 Could Have Ended
Yuuup, the last Main Event of 2014 ended with an Usos vs. Dust Bros. match, because of course it did. I haven’t been keeping terribly close track, but I’m pretty sure every Main Event in 2015 featured some variation of the Usos vs. Gold and Stardust. Goldust spent so much time in Uso headlocks this year I think Jimmy and Jey both have permanent black smudges in their armpits.
The thing is, this match wasn’t bad – really, they’re almost never bad, it’s just repetition that kills them. If there’s anybody in WWE actually capable of self-reflection – please, please put “no more Usos/Dusts matches” at the very top of your New Year’s resolutions list.
Main Event Status: In the spirit of holiday generosity, I’ll actually rate this. 10%.
Final Main Event Tally: A perfectly average episode of this perfectly average show to round out the year – 50%. Here’s hoping Main Event whips itself into shape in 2015. Happy New Year folks!