If Chris Hero isn’t coming back, I’d be pretty okay with Cesaro and Renee being the new Kings of Wrestling.
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Hit the next page for your Main Event of the evening (er, afternoon)…
A Note Before We Begin: The central irony of this show is that they call it Main Event despite the fact that the show is obviously the modern incarnation of Jakked. So, just to add a little extra interest to these reports, I thought I’d keep track of how close all the matches on the show, combined, come to equalling one legit main event. You’ll see how it works as we progress.
Worst: That Randy Orton Tutoring Is Paying Off
I don’t think Seth Rollins is a terrible talker. I really don’t. In fact, a few of his promos when he first re-turned heel were downright good. That said, this promo was a Randy Orton-esque cure for insomnia. Ever bullet point over-explained, ever syl-LA-ble over-pronounced, no opportunity to cut to a video package not taken.
This kind of pointless, time-filling yammering really has no place on Main Event. Either give underappreciated guys like Damien Sandow a chance to be entertaining, or just forget it altogether and put another match on the show. I get enough of these kind of “I am here to lifelessly recap recent events” segments on Smackdown — I won’t have them corrupting my (usually) surprisingly diverting C-show.
Worst: Don’t Shut Off The Music
So, after 10-minutes of Rollins stinking up the joint, Zeb Colter came out to continue the crop dusting. Zeb Colter should never not be xenophobic. When he’s a bad guy trashing Mexicans or a good guy trashing Russians, he’s got something to sink his teeth into. He sounds like he means what he says. When he’s going off on a random dude like Rollins, Zeb comes off as hollow and sanctimonious.
Worst: Rollins vs. Swagger
And the dullness rolled on with an ungodly tedious Rollins/Swagger bout. Everything about this match absolutely screamed FILLING TIME. Every move done as deliberately and slowly as possible, no opportunity for a headlock not taken. Numerous times throughout the match Swagger put himself in perfect position for the curb stomp, but the match had to go on, so Rollins would go for a low dropkick or go up to the top rope or something stupid instead. Stop trying to be Randy Orton, Seth — we’ve already got a Randy Orton. All stocked up on that front.
Main Event Status: Seth Rollins is a legit sorta main-eventer and shockingly they’re still kind of protecting Jack Swagger, so this is a .4 on the Main Event scale.
Worst: Wabbit Huntin’
WWE doing Loony Tunes jokes is the worst. The worst. I’m not sure why. The rabbit superkicking and splashing guys on Raw was amusing enough, but as soon as Heath Slater started laying out his Saturday morning cartoons plan to throw a net over the bunny, the bottom fell out of my heart. Ugh.
Really, any live action thing doing Bugs Bunny spots is almost always bad. Top-notch physical comedy is tough. You have to be a virtuoso physical performer like Buster Keaton or an amazingly talented cartoonist to make it work. Heath Slater and Titus O’Neil are neither, although I’ll admit, I wouldn’t mind them trying to recreate those cartoons where the kitten sleeps on the bulldog’s back.
Best: The Swing!
Thank God for Cesaro. The dude bulldozed Zack Ryder in satisfying fashion, even busting out the swing and a new submission finisher to end things, but the real highlights came after the match.
There seemed to be a minor change in Cesaro’s character — when Renee slightly undersells Cesaro’s victory of Ryder, he goes full Bret Hart anal-retentive and questions where she gets off doubting Zack Ryder. This is who Cesaro should be — the guy so up his own ass that he tears down literally everything anybody says, even if he indirectly ends up complimenting his opponents in the process. Cesaro should be the one guy who won’t just shut up and take it when a WWE face is running off at the mouth in his general direction.
Oh, and yes, he dropped a Kings of Wrestling reference, lighting the faintest glimmer of a hope that maybe WWE realizes they pulled a Daniel Bryan with Chris Hero. It was probably just Cesaro amusing himself on a show nobody watches, but still, a wrestling nerd can dream.
Main Event Status: We’ll give this 15% (all of which is for Cesaro, I assure you).
Th-th-that’s all folks (hopefully).
Worst: Bunny Botchamania
Not even the in-ring bunny stuff worked on this show. The bunny gag only works if the bunny is doing his surprise wrestling moves well. But nope, during this Titus/Adam Rose match he hops out, attempts an enzuigiri on Heath and somehow falls over and gets hopelessly tangled in the ropes. There’s nothing remarkable about a guy in a bunny suit horribly f*cking up an enzuigiri. I could horribly f*ck up an enzuigiri.
Main Event Status: Well, the bunny is getting a lot of TV time, so let’s say 5%.
Worst: The Ascension
Ah, the plight of the b-show recapper. Brandon gets Sami Zayn and Adrian Neville on Raw and I get The Ascension.
If there’s one top NXT act that’s absolutely not ready for prime time it’s The Ascension. It’s easy enough to make a couple guys look like the next Road Warriors in the small, sheltered pond that is NXT, but they’re going to be burned but quick by the bright lights of WWE. Ascension were going up against one of the lowliest, goofiest regular tag teams in WWE in Los Matadores and they still didn’t look particularly impressive or intimidating. This should have been an absolute slaughter, but instead it was just Los Matadores doing their standard issue spots against a couple of balding Ministry of Darkness rejects. These guys need to start Steiner Screwdriver-ing dudes or something, because as is, this shit ain’t gonna work.
Main Event Status: Hmmm, well this is the first main roster match for The Ascension who are at least supposed to be a big deal, so let’s go 25%.
Final Main Event Tally: This show is a stark reminder that a high Main Event Tally doesn’t necessarily mean a good show. This show had a good amount of star power and its matches add up to 85% — closer to a legit main event than any other Main Event I’ve reviewed! That said, it was also dull as dishwater. I’m all for actual stars on the show, but let’s not lose that Main Event wackiness in the process, okay?