Two men who only care about their kid(d)s.
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Worst: A Sheamus Who Matters
So, Sheamus came out to talk at the top of SmackDown, which isn’t a development I’m particularly happy about. I was actually kind of digging sullen prick Sheamus who’s lashing out because being forgotten in the midcard hurt his precious little feelings. I’m definitely not into boasting, main-event Sheamus. I don’t care that he’s supposed to be unlikable, just get him off my screen.
Sheamus acknowledged the You Look Stupid chants, which a genuine bully would never do, then he called the fans pea-brains and other choice second grade insults. It was all very by the book and basically indistinguishable from his old annoying face promos. Eventually, Dean Ambrose came out and was all, “Eh, I guess I should fight you, Sheamus.” Then, Kane showed up and was, “Eh, I guess I should team up with you Sheamus,” and then a handicap match happened.
Worst: Well, Duh
So, Ambrose is being ganged up on by two mean ol’ bullies. I wonder where this could be going? They may as well have just kept the camera trained on the arena steps the entire match.
Sure enough, here’s Roman Reigns, who runs in for the DQ after 90 seconds of sizzling action. Hmm, there’s now four FIRED UP guys in the ring and an authority figure on hand. I wonder where this could be going?
Worst: An Alicia Fox Turn?!
Another Paige vs. Brie Bella match? Did I really give this show all-Bests last week? What happened to the guy who wrote that one? Did Vince just forget his weekly soul draining?
Anyways, yeah, like I’ve said, Paige vs. The Bellas is the new Dolph Ziggler vs. Kofi Kingston. Particularly if it’s Brie Bella. Nikki wasn’t out there because, as the commentators explained, the Bellas wanted to give Paige a fair chance. Yup, that adds up. A completely clean pro wrestling bout, that’s what I’m expecting.
Paige and Brie did their stuff. Paige screamed “this is my house” at least every 30 seconds and hit some kicks. Brie pulled off a decent top rope, sunset flip powerbomb, so at least that’s something. After a few minutes of bland, Alicia Fox pushed Paige off the top rope and Brie got the win. Alicia Fox. They decided Twin Magic was too overdone, so they decided to end the match via Alicia Fox alignment turn. What are the chances Alicia shows up on Paige’s team in a random six-woman on Raw?
Best: Hands On Kevin Owens
I know this point has kind of been beaten to death lately, but Kevin Owens is such a glorious piece of shit. Not because he’s an over-the-top villain, but because his dickishness is so recognizable. He’s every cranky, 30-something white guy on the planet. Him avoiding Renee’s question in favor of passive-aggressively needling her about liking Machine Gun Kelly is basically the exact thing I’d do if I was in an asshole mood. I’ll admit it. Also, big ups to Renee for not even pretending she thinks MGK is cool. Look at that face. That’s been my reaction to basically all popular music for the last five to 10 years.
Then, Cesaro shows up, and he and Owens have a brief, yet great little verbal showdown. Man, poor Cesaro. Imagine if he’d held out on signing a WWE contract for just a couple more years. He’d be the ringer being brought in to NXT with breathless hype and ballyhoo then beating John Cena as proud daddy Triple H looks on. Can we just send Cesaro back to CZW for a couple months and start over?
Best: Kisses! Right In The Mouth!
Any time Bo Dallas is rescued from the proverbial Dark Match Dungeon is pretty much a guaranteed Best. On SmackDown, he was there to be Rusev’s wingman, chastising Lana for leaving him and rightfully pointing out that Dolph is, like, the worst rebound choice ever. He even managed to slip in a “swipe left” joke, which is kind of edgy by WWE standards. I guess? Shockingly, Jerry Lawler didn’t pile on the joke, so maybe he isn’t on Tinder? We can only pray, but he was probably too busy swiping to make a joke about swiping.
The match was nothing special. Bo’s strikes were good, and he hit a nice clothesline, but it was over too quickly. The best part of the segment was Rusev’s hilarious impotent rage backstage when Dolph went for the grandma kiss on Lana. Bulgarian words! Kissing! Right in the mouth! Stupid! I hear you, man. I hear you.
Best: The New Day Existing
This is about as close as I’m going to get to giving The New Day a worst. They just didn’t get to do anything here. They skipped their entrance and didn’t let them talk, then they put Xavier in the ring, who’s great on the mic, but the least interesting guy in the ring. Also, I hate to say it, but I’m already starting to feel faint signs of Neville fatigue, so this segment was pretty flat.
That said, there were still reasons to like this segment. Xavier deciding to hit 30 stomps in a row for no reason, none of which had any effect. Big E preaching the gospel at ringside. Kofi Kingston being hurled into the barrier by Titus O’Neil like a bag of leaves. Darren Young wiping Big E out with a surprisingly great forearm. This segment’s pleasures were minor, but they were enough.
Worst: Proving Yourself
I am so done with “proving yourself” storylines. The future, the face of the company, I don’t care about any of it. I never want to hear that somebody has to beat X in an X to earn their brass ring ever again. No wonder CM Punk quit. I’m being driven crazy by just a few hours per week of this nonsense.
So, Seth Rollins, who won the WWE World Heavyweight Championship in the main-event of WrestleMania and has defeated all viable challengers, still needs to prove himself against Brock Lesnar. And Seth is okay with that! He sees that he has to beat Brock Lesnar at Battleground to cement his legacy. YOU ALREADY BEAT HIM. You beat him AT WRESTLEMANIA. That’s the reason you have that title on your shoulder. It’s not like Rollins will beat Brock man-to-man. If he wins, it’ll be another sneaky victory like at ‘Mania, so he literally has nothing new to prove.
It wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t painted as such a black-and-white thing. That if you don’t clear this latest impossible hoop, a trap door will open beneath you, and you’ll be nothing again. I know that’s how WWE actually works, but it’s incredibly frustrating as a viewer. I realize WWE is trying to add extra gravity to their main-events, but in some cases, less gravity is actually better. Sometimes, guys just fighting for personal pride and gaudy belts is enough without the brass rings.
Best: Kevin Owens vs. Cesaro
Unsurprisingly, this match kicked a fairly serious amount of ass. Cesaro’s obviously been hitting the gym extra hard since finding himself on a bit of a hiatus due to Tyson Kidd’s injury. Dude was more of a monster than ever, hitting crazy dives, dropkicking Kevin Owens in the face while he was sitting on the top rope, and nailing maybe the best spinning M. Bison uppercut of his WWE career. Top five at least.
Kevin Owens was impressive, too, if a bit more low key. He hit a really nice tornado DDT, but the guy’s real strength may be his selling. Owens doesn’t just talk like a regular guy, he sells like one, too. No over the top dramatics. Kevin Owens sells like he’s exhausted and angry, and a little bit afraid to take that next shot. As soon as his opponent takes over, Owens goes from confident to “Oh no, how did this all go wrong?”
Unfortunately, Cesaro doesn’t particularly matter right now, so this wasn’t as good as it could have been. No finisher kick-outs, no truly crazy spots. Just around seven minutes of action, leading to a pop-up powerbomb and the pin. But it was as good as it possibly could have been given the box they had to work in.
Best: Miz At The Movies
Miz came back from his latest movie-related hiatus looking douchier than ever, but, sadly, he hasn’t really been given anything to do. Maybe Miz at the Movies, a cheesy backstage segment in which critiques garbage WWE movies, will be the next thing he transforms into the secret best thing in WWE. Hey, if he can do it for Damien Sandow, the saddest, palest, least motivated man in WWE, he can do it for anything.
We got off to a good start here, with Miz grumbling about The Rock being in every damn thing (with you on that one), spreading scuttlebutt about Big Show being a pain to work with and almost giving himself an aneurysm screaming about how he’s WWE’s true A-lister. He even managed to put over the dumb WWE movie he was there to promote. Take note, Michael Cole! Bring Bull Dempsey in as the Ebert to Miz’s Siskel, and we’ll really have something.
Worst: SmackDown Main-Event Tag Matches, Now With More Sheamus!
Welp, this was a match. It was three men we’ve seen wrestle innumerable times over the past year, with the addition of Sheamus, who isn’t exactly the guy you call on to freshen things up in 2015. At least Ambrose is still working a bit harder than usual after his brief main-event run, so the heat segment on him was solid. Unfortunately, Reigns didn’t bring much excitement during the hot tag, remotely going through his moves. Turns out, there was a reason didn’t seem particularly thrilled to be in this segment.
Worst: Chilling YouTube Screencaps
Reigns was just about to win the match in a strong manner, when Bray popped up the big screen singing “I’m a Little Teapot” (oh great, another Bray Wyatt sing-a-long song) while looking at a picture of Roman’s daughter. Roman was so appalled by this, his brain imploded, he crumpled to the mat, and was pinned. I guess Sheamus might have kicked him, but another human being looking at his daughter was the real blow.
Roman, buddy, take a breath. Bray took a screencap of your tea party video and printed it out on a laser printer. Yes, he actually cropped the picture and added some faux burn marks for SmackDown, but don’t be fooled. Bray’s no more menacing than the teenager running the copy center in Staples, and, not to point fingers, but you’re the one who put your daughter’s image out there to begin with, so, y’know, it’s fair use. You legally have to chill about this. If Bray ever gets a “photo” of your daughter without the YouTube controls along the bottom, that’s when you can start worrying.
