Why, who’s this sexy new fashion plate, and what did he do with the Big Show?
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Worst: Gettin’ Metaphorical
Smackdown kicked off with Seth Rollins attempting to do some spin on his less than heroic performance on Raw. See, Brock Lesnar was actually a coward because he beat up a defenseless automobile instead of getting in the ring with Seth. Brock destroyed that Caddy because he was frustrated. I dunno about that. I’m pretty sure Brock destroys cars with axes to pass a few minutes when Sable tells him dinner will be late.
Before Rollins could go any further, Paul Heyman appeared and ushered in a trailer toting Jamie Noble’s car. At least I think it was. It was oddly flattened for some reason. Was Brock practicing shooting star presses on it after Raw? Anyways, Paul Heyman on Smackdown! That doesn’t happen often! Unfortunately, by Heyman standards, his promo was kind of a mess.
Paul claimed Suplex City was WORSE THAN HELL, then both he and Rollins kind of got confused about metaphors. They both seemed to think pointing at a thing that’s smashed and saying, “That’s going to be you!” is a metaphor. I mean, I guess it is, but it’s a pretty lame example the art form. Anyways, in the end, this segment broke down to two guys yelling at each other about not a whole hell of a lot.
Best: Inspirational Jobber To The Stars
I was kind of hoping The Rock gracing Bo Dallas with the gift of his mockery and unprovoked violence would help Bo in some way, and I guess it sort of has? He’s still losing, but at least he’s losing in a competitive sort of way, and they’re letting him regularly say things again.
I’ve gone on record as saying The Miz is my favorite loser in the WWE, but Bo is right up there. He knows how to lose right. Bo got just enough offense here to make it seem like a real fight, but in the end, he gets outmaneuvered because his Sliced Bread finisher is goofy and too easy to avoid, and eats a Dirty Deeds for the pin. Simple, easy. I’d give Bo some sort of backup so he can win occasionally, but otherwise, I’m fine with him continuing to exist at around this level.
Best: Rusev’s Adorable Baby Feet
I always assumed Rusev wrestled barefoot because he was a wild savage bred for battle in some Soviet lab, but it turns out that the real reason’s because he has tiny little baby girl feet, a fact that’s very much emphasized by his now boots. Just look at those adorable little booties. I don’t know if I’m going to be able to buy his kicks any more. Those feet couldn’t hurt anybody. TOO SMALL.
Rusev tested his new boots out on his favorite victim, Fandango, who is apparently still a guy employed by and wrestling for the WWE. The announcers actually acknowledged that Fandango and Summer used to be an item, so there was at least a little psychological depth to this squash. Very little. Really, I’m just giving this segment a Best for Rusev’s booties. WWE ought to have those things bronzed.
Worst: Seven-Foot Rey Mysterio
They’re a little late, but I guess WWE’s finally getting around to unveiling their Summer fashion line. We have Rusev’s booties, and now here’s the Big Show with his new, slimming Rey Mysterio fat shirt. Was Big Show in a shirt always an option? You subjected us to 16 years of giant moobs when you didn’t have to?
The new, demurely covered Big Show faced Roman Reigns, which was a match I never needed again after the first time I saw it. Roman just kind of ran around for five minutes punching at Show and hoping he’d fall down. Then the lights went out and Bray’s music hit, because that has to happen in every Roman Reigns match now. How is Roman even remotely distracted by this any more? Dude, you know this is coming. Prepare. So, the match ended in a shitty DQ and afterwards Roman, once again, got laid out by Bray. Enough of this. Is WWE trying to make me nostalgic for the days of Roman looking strong 100 percent of the time? Because it’s working.
Best: The New Day And Prime Time Players Continue To Exist
At least 20 minutes of every Smackdown should be devoted to The New Day and Prime Time Players just being awesome and funny and entertaining. I mean, why not? I’m not going to Worst this segment, because I like all these guys too much, but WWE just gave them nothing to do. A three-minute Big E/Titus match with no intros, promos, fallout or anything. Come on. What else do they need to focus on so badly, WWE? Let’s make this a meritocracy. Give the guys contributing positively to your shows more time to shine, and fire the Rybacks and Randy Ortons off in a cannon to Superstars.
Worst: Do It Right, Or Don’t Do It At All
As mentioned above, Jamie Noble’s car showed up on Smackdown looking weirdly squashed, and we learned why, as we saw the Caddy go in the car crusher. Unfortunately, they just sort of flattened the roof a bit. If you’re going to show a car getting crushed, I expect it to be compacted down into cube, dammit. Also, the crusher should have been in a rusty old junk yard. Oh, and that evil magnetic crane from The Brave Little Toaster should be there. I don’t think I’m demanding too much.
Worst: Randy Orton Returns To Smackdown!
He was gone? Also, wait, was Randy Orton on Raw? The recap says he was, but I sure don’t remember. So, yup, Randy Orton is back from whatever he was doing, and this man does not give a sh*t about f*ck. Dude dropped the most mindless, lifeless promo I’ve seen out of him in a long while. It was worse than the stuff he used to cut during that era when he was exclusively used as a Teddy Long punishment, and didn’t have a proper storyline for a solid year. Orton said he’s been around 13 years, and nobody has got under his skin like Sheamus. Yup, sure, that checks out. And Brock Lesnar has been around 13 years and nobody has physically tested him like Kofi Kingston. Orton said Sheamus was boring and he’s going to give him some tips on being entertaining (yeesh, blind leading the blind). Finally, Orton vowed to shove Sheamus’ mohawk up his arse, because the image of Randy Orton trying to force a bunch of sticky gelled hair up a man’s butthole is totally something that needed to be in my head.
Speaking of hairy buttholes, here comes The Ascension! My God, these poor guys. They’ve completely shotgunned whatever confidence they might’ve once had, and their stammering spiel about how they’re going to eat Randy Orton like wolves because he interrupted their “match time” was eighth grade book report awkward. They of course got RKO’d, and that was that. Seriously, where’s the cannon to Superstars?
Worst: Let’s Hit Fast Forward, Okay?
If you follow the sheetz, the plan for the Divas division is to build to a Team Bella vs. Team Paige six-woman at SummerSlam, with Paige bringing up two NXT girls (probably Charlotte and Sasha) to be her partners. That sounds fantastic! Soooo, can we do it now? Because I’m already beyond bored of watching the Divas division kill time. I seriously cannot take six more weeks of this. I don’t want to downplay women’s wrestling at all, but come on, assuming the NXT ladies are kept a surprise, is a Bellas/Paige tag match going raise fan interest in SummerSlam one iota? No, so just do it at Battleground. Please.
Team Bella didn’t wrestle Paige on Smackdown, so they faced the only other women they’re allowed to wrestle, Naomi and Tamina. The Divas division is in this weird place where they’re trying to push longer, better matches, but there’s basically only four women in the division capable of/allowed to deliver them. They could throw Summer Rae and Rosa Mendes in there with the Bellas to at least give us something different, but they’re trying to retrain the audience ahead of the NXT ladies getting called up. So, yeah, the Bellas vs. Paige and/or Naomi is on a constant loop all summer.
This particular match was fine, but exactly what you’d expect. Tamina looked awkward, but she didn’t slip on a banana peel and fall down an open manhole, so it could’ve been worse. Jimmy Uso continues to be totally weird about calling his wife’s matches. Here’s some pointers dude: When your wife does something good, you should be happy, when somebody does something bad to her, you should be upset. Acting disinterested and embarrassed is not the right choice. Anyway, the numbers game, something something, the Bellas won. I think I’ve probably already written too much about this segment, so on we go.
Worst: Seth Is A Cowardly Boob. We Get It.
Ryback in the main-event? We’re really doing this? Sigh. Okay. Like most Ryback matches, this never really coalesced into anything. It was just a bunch of moves with no real highs and lows, and the crowd was funeral quiet. I’m not sure if Ryback’s ever going to figure this thing out.
If there was a story to the match, is was “Seth Rollins is a total goober who can’t even compete with the IC champion.” Seth tried to bolt halfway through the match, then continually kept trying to escape until he finally got counted out. The Miz would have found this below his dignity. I’m not sure why they’re building up Seth’s title match against BROCK LESNAR by making him look as useless as possible, but here we are.
Worst: What Are We Even Building To Here?
After the match, Big Show came out, and those numbers started playing their dirty little game again, but then Roman Reigns ran down for the save. I realize Reigns was beaten up earlier in the show, so he had to stand tall at the end, but what was this even building up? They aren’t doing Roman vs. Seth right now. They’d better never do Ryback vs. Seth. Was this episode of Smackdown really all about building up Ryback vs. Big Show for the IC title? Well, now I’m just depressed.