Why must you destroy everything I love, WWE?
Pre-show Notes:
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Worst: Cesaro’s New Jobber Music
Ugh, no — they replaced the air raid siren in Cesaro’s music with an ambulance siren. There is no small distinction between the two. One signifies that Cesaro’s coming to destroy you with heavy artillery, the other signifies he’s coming to give you CPR. One’s significantly more intimidating than the other, and I don’t think it’s any mistake the change has been made.
Best: The Real Americans Finally Get Their Proper Blow Off
As I recall the initial Real Americans break-up was pretty disappointing. Cesaro was a new Heyman guy on the ascent and Jack Swagger was, well, Jack Swagger, so the matches were more or less glorified squashes.
Now Cesaro is in this weird place where the writers seem to have given up on him, but the company clearly still realizes he’s hot shit in the ring, and Jack Swagger is in the midst of one of his “I identify strongly with America” mini-pushes, so this was actually allowed to be competitive. And competitive it was, with Cesaro hurling Swagger around like a hoss half his size, and Swagger bringing those cool, out-of-nowhere ankle locks he pulls out on the rare occasion he’s feeling motivated. Swagger just straight-up won with one of those ankle locks too, which felt weird, but oh well. Keep doing that mid-card shuffle guys.
Best: I’m Interested in Watching a Flag Match
I’m no great fan of face Zeb Colter or this whole 1985 all over again feud, but I’ll admit, I did feel a genuine twinge of excitement when Lana challenged Zeb to a flag match. They must be doing something right if I’m hyped for a flag match. And hey, you know what team I’m on.
Worst: Viper’s Message
Well, I can’t say they didn’t warn me.
This segment actually managed to fall short of my already low expectations. This important enough to be hyped in advance segment lasted less than five minutes, imparted zero new information and was basically just over-explainer Randy Orton working through history’s most tortured snake metaphor.
“You’re going to step into the ring with me, a venomous, cold-blooded, slithering viper who will inject poison into your veins and watch you writhe in agony, curling up in a little ball, a tight little ball on the floor, just like you did last Monday Night on RAW.”
I did not embellish that at all. The script said “I’m The Viper and I’m going to strike at Summerslam like I did on RAW” and that’s what Randy it into. [Rubs temples].
Worst: Bogressive Loser
Oh dear. Ohhhh, no no no. Bo Dallas has a losing streak gimmick. A losing streak against R-Truth gimmick no less. Also, Cole was in full sarcastic asshole mode on commentary, and JBL brought up Damien Sandow during the match. This isn’t good, guys. This isn’t good. I…I can’t deal with this right now. Moving on.
Worst: Ay Papi!
Ah, here’s the thing to cure my malaise! A match featuring Rosa Mendes and her new giant weird mom boobs! This should be hilari–oh, and it’s over already. Dammit. This is one segment I’m not moving on from until I get my satisfaction.
How do you make YouTube videos loop again? Also, is there a way to play them on the inside of your eyelids?
Worst: Scrappy Underdog Dean Ambrose
I dunno, I’m coming around to the conclusion that I just don’t like scrappy underdog Dean Ambrose much. I think part of the reason is that he never got to be a regular scrappy babyface before become all underdog, all the time. Another might be the fact that Ambrose really should have been the Shield guy to go heel. The guy from the wrong side of the tracks turning his back on the only good thing to ever happen to him in order to get a lick at that shiny brass ring would have been a great poetic storyline that Ambrose could have sunk his teeth into. Meanwhile, Rollins could have continued flipping his way to becoming the next Jeff Hardy.
Whatever the reason, I’m pretty thoroughly bored with Ambrose’s stupid taped up shoulder and the endless run-ins and every Ambrose match ending in chairs, DQs and crazy faces. Just done with it. It’s going to go on for six more months, isn’t it?
Worst: Battling Evil Cultists With STIPULATIONS
Yup, this is where we are with Bray Wyatt. He’ll have to leave his hillbilly posse backstage at Summerslam if Jericho wins a couple random matches, because the evil, lawless, EATER OF WORLDS is just another guy now.
Also, Chris Jericho already beat Bray Wyatt with Harper and Rowan at ringside. Why the hell should we be rooting for Jericho to get rid of them for the rematch? Also also, if Jericho can beat Bray Wyatt relatively easily, shouldn’t we just assume he can beat Rowan? What’s the point in even having the match? Just ban Rowan from the match and be done with it. Could this storyline be anymore lazy?
Best: Stardust is the Riddler Now
So, Stardust is basically Frank Gorshin now — you know, even moreso than previously. Also, glitter rain! Nope, I’m still not Worsting these segments.
Best: SummerLay’s Matador Outfits
Okay, so, SummerLay being vindictive until the end of time because Fandango kinda, sort of wronged them (Summer behaved just as badly as Fandango as I recall) isn’t great, but on the other hand, are SummerLay’s matador outfits f*cking cute or what? Also, they danced with Torito! Then Torito tried to pick Summer up (and maybe got a hand up her skirt). This is adorable shit, and Fandango is boring and stupid and will always be boring and stupid, so whatever — do what you will ladies, because you’re officially on my “I ain’t care, I’m Besting it always” list.
Worst: Alberto Del Rio vs. Dolph Ziggler
Oh really? You’re gonna do me like this Smackdown?
Take me back to my happy place SummerLay!
Why is Summer pulling down her skirt? I told you Torito got him some.
Worst: Jericho Hasn’t Said Anything About Saving Us in Over Seven Years, You Boob
The Jericho Save Us videos happened in 2007. If you’re referencing stuff from before you even started wresting, maybe it’s time to update your material.
Best: Hey, When Did Erick Rowan Get Good?
I’d put this match all on Jericho, but honestly he’s not really the guy who can get a good match out of broomstick anymore. No, either Rowan recently leveled-up in a serious way, or he was just driven beyond his normal abilities because he was super, super excited to be in there with Y2J. The guy whose matches are 50% holding his fists on his opponent’s temples was gone — Rowan was throwing actual moves. He broke out a pretty passable spin kick at one point, and he’s capable of expressing emotions other than GRRRR! inside the ring now.
I am so much more into watching Jericho wrestle Bray Wyatt’s minions than Bray Wyatt himself at this point. Could Jericho possibly wrestle Luke Harper at Summerslam with Bray banned from ringside? No? Sigh. Just checking.
