The Best and Worst of WWE Raw 5/16

05.17.11 8 years ago 28 Comments

One of my favorite wrestling promos of all time involved Shane and Vince McMahon shouting at each other in the ring, shoehorning in the phrase “over the edge” because a pay-per-view called “Over The Edge” was coming up. “I’m over the edge? YOU’RE over the edge!” “I’m not over the edge! I haven’t BEGUN to go over the edge!” And so on.

What I’m trying to say is that if they want me to buy WWE presents Over The Limit, this Sunday on pay-per-view, they need to have two guys explicitly discussing limits and their abilities to go over said limits on Raw. Otherwise, the whole thing just looks like a hasty retread of Wrestlemania. Not that they’d do that. Twice. Uh, in a row.

Worst: Cena, I Like You, But You Are Not Funny

Randy Orton should’ve gone to the papers about John Cena’s performance last night, which was an encapsulation of every criticism I’ve tried to rally against. The wrestling and character development (which I will admit is mostly read between lines already) was gone. The opening segment saw him try to emasculate The Miz by saying he’s a scaredy-pants little girl who plays with My Little Pony and listens to the Jonas Brothers. I’m still trying to figure out why “the Jonas Brothers” seems like a more dated reference than My Little Pony. But yeah, The Miz is a homosexual (maybe we are ALL homosexuals) who is afraid to get Protobombed and taunted at and fist dropped and fireman’s carried at Over the Limit. All Cena needed was bad photoshops of Miz’s face on a baby’s body to touch all four corners of awful, GLAAD-busting WWE bully presentation.

At the risk of jumping ahead a few points, even the “Cena can’t wrestle” talking point, which is usually nerfed with an extensive discussion of Hulk Hogan and how awesome he was against Killer Khan, was proven correct — by all fair interpretations of what makes wrestling “good,” Cena failed. He visibly held and readjusted a chair on his chest while Jack Swagger set up a move. He spammed the “punch” button. He got his ankle torn up, so he checked it briefly before running around at full speed and carrying around a 260 pound guy like he was nothing. He hit his moves (with that same punching animation they always do after the second shoulder block, which is the new generation’s Hulk Hogan YOU-point punch) and proceeded to COMPLETELY NO-SELL A STEEL PIPE.

Seriously, Miz takes 40 minutes setting up the steel pipe, hits Cena in the stomach and back with it (keeping in mind that Cena JUST wrestled AND got hit in the back with a chair), and Cena just takes it away from him and starts screaming about the pay-per-view. He also hit Alex Riley with it about twenty times, to the point that Riley should still be lying on the arena floor where the ring used to be right now, grimacing and holding his side, and/or being dead.

I like you, John, I do. Anybody who reads these columns knows that. But even I’ve got to call you out for the terrible job you did last night. F**k me. Miz should be able to hurt you in the ring sometimes.

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