The Best And Worst Of WWE WrestleMania 31

Pre-show notes

– If you missed the show and want to watch it, you can do so here.

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Actual Pre-Show Notes

Worst: Hey Man, Maybe Let Us In The Building Before You Start Having Tag Team Title Matches

In case you missed it, this year’s WrestleMania event was 7 hours long with a 16-hour pre-show. That time was roughly 15 hours of video packages, half an hour of Booker T emasculating Byron Saxton for not being black enough and half an hour of wrestling. Unfortunately, Levi’s Stadium left people lined up around the building (and especially at the ticket booth and will call) as the show was starting, so I watched the first match through a brick wall.

That was my experience. I heard Cesaro’s sirens and was like, “oh man, I hope I get in in time to see the finish.” Then like ten minutes or whatever passed and I heard them again. If you look in the background of that picture you can see a bunch of empty-ass orange seats. One of those is where my butt was supposed to be, but I was out in a weirdly celebrity-filled queue full of Lucha Underground guys and rapper Wale, who you think would get some kind of VIP treatment. Big Ryck/Ezekiel Jackson was like five spaces in front of me in line while the pre-show was happening. That guy was the Intercontinental Champion. Can’t we get a cart out here for him? MOTHERF*CKER WAS IN THE CORRE.

Best: The Match, Though

The actual match itself was exactly what it needed to be: a cadre of forgotten mid-card guys just going balls out in front of half the crowd. It was the first thing I watched when I got back to my hotel room. Well, that and the Ronald Reagan video package.

There’s a tangible energy to it (the match, not Ronald Reagan) that I wish was a regular part of the tag division. On Raw you’ve got these really boring “southern style” matches WWE guys never really learned how to do, so it’s just a guy taking heat for two minutes, making a hot tag, elbow elbow signature move distraction rollup and you’re out. This felt more like one of those late-era Nitro tags where Three Count and the Jung Dragons or whoever knew they weren’t getting Hulk Hogan’s spot anytime soon, so they’d just hurl themselves into ladders and shit for nothing.

There aren’t ladders here — those come later — but there are dives, Tower Of Doom spots, Natalya cosplaying Beth Phoenix and putting El Torito in the damn Sharpshooter and more. They’re just like WELP, NOBODY’S WATCHING THIS, LET’S KILL IT. Maybe they finally have a reason to be motivated. Maybe they saw the rest of the card and didn’t want to be a booger on the end of the nose of greatness. Who knows?

Best: The Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal

If the Royal Rumble had been booked with as much grace and effort as the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal, man, it would’ve been great. Roman would’ve looked great before the actual damn WrestleMania main-event started in hour 275 of WrestleMania.

Anyway, there’s a ton to love from the battle royal, including:

– Curtis Axel’s WrestleMania dream ending in like two seconds because every non-Curtis Axel person in the world is a jerk.

– On Friday I was live at NXT and got to see Hideo Itami use the Go To Sleep in WWE for the first time. Two days later, he’s performing at WrestleMania (even if it’s technically the pre-show) and having an in-ring standoff with The Big Show. Imagine going back in time 10 years and trying to tell someone that KENTA would be fighting the f*cking Big Show at WrestleMania.

– Alex Riley continues to be the most hilariously pathetic wrestler ever, “raging” against The Miz (because continuity!) and immediately getting dumped. The only thing missing was Kevin Owens running out, stomping him once, then running to the back.

– Ryback dispatching some of his old friends in the Nexus. When I was at WrestleMania Axxess I told him I loved the Nexus, and he was like, “yeah, me too. We’re gonna get back together one day when the time is right.” And my brain goes WOOOOOOSSSSSHHHHH because like 70% of my fantasy booking ideas end with “and then the Nexus reunites.” Anyway, good to see Heath Slater getting a WrestleMania pay-day. Let’s do something with him again!

– The New Day trying to use TRIPLE TECH to eliminate Big Show, but it failing. I would be so into The New Day if they were triple team experts and that’s how they won matches. Like, WWE went through that period when The Shield was big where every other show had a marquee six-man tag … imagine The New Day as the guys who recognized that and prepared for it. Matching tights and TONS OF MOVES. They’d be my favorite thing. They’d be like one of those mid-card heel teams from Final Fantasy games I always fall in love with. They’d be the Luca Goers.

– The Cesaro/Big Show callback was one of the most appropriate moments of the night. Cesaro was in the tag team match before the battle royal so I don’t think any of us expected him to win, but seeing him be a player again and almost pull it off was nice.

– The climax of the match was the rise of Damien Sandow, finally freed from his bonds as The Miz’s lackey. He shitcans Miz for being too demanding and then goes full fired-up babyface on Show, proving that Damien Sandow is secretly the best wrestler on the show and can probably do anything. He could probably show up on Lucha Underground and jump off balconies. But yeah, he tries to Cesaro Big Show AND tries to Chris Benoit him, but eventually gets thrown out.

Two things:

1. The next month or two of Sandow is going to be crucial. The split from Miz will obviously lead to Sandow vs. Miz at Extreme Rules, but the story has to remain strong and Sandow has to remain sympathetic. Remember when Alex Riley split from Miz? He was the most over dude in the world for like two weeks, and then everybody figured it out wasn’t “Alex Riley” they liked, it was “whoever was punching The Miz.” There’s a chance that for as good as Sandow is, the crowd’s only going to like him if he’s punching Miz. I hope they have a next step in the plan.

2. I’ve read a lot of complaints about Show winning, but come on, man. He’s the Big Show. The contract of battle royals is that you have to let the biggest, heaviest guy win it sometimes. If you don’t, you defy the conventions of reality suspended to make battle royals possible. The first talking point is always “this guy is the biggest and the heaviest so he’s the favorite!” It’s like how sometimes you have to let #30 win the Royal Rumble. If you don’t, the talking points are all bullshit.

Besides, he’s the Big Show. He’s the son of Andre the Giant [citation needed]. He needs to be on the trophy before he’s gone.

Best: Yes, Etc.

So in the interest of transparency, my WrestleMania tickets blew this year. I was up in the 400s, which is the center of the upper deck. I was in section 411, hilariously, which is as close as I’ve ever been to working for 411 Wrestling.

Anyway, the first half of the ladder match was me observing an ant farm. The little R-Truth ant would jump a little and the crowd would go OOOH! and it kinda sorta felt like I was flying overhead. Levi’s Stadium is huge. Eventually I figured out I could watch it on the screens, which is good news because the second half of the ladder match is just dudes dying left and right.

Things I loved:

– Dolph Ziggler. There’s nobody in wrestling who gets the actual physicality of a ladder match like Dolph. You’ve got a ladder set up and there’s a belt hanging over it. You have to climb the ladder to get the belt. Why wouldn’t you speed your ass up the ladder? Guys are always clutching at the bottom rungs and pulling themselves up for drama, but even late in the match Ziggler’s like, “nope, I’m running it.” So good.

– As the boldface says, Dean Ambrose might actually be dead. Late in the match he gets powerbombed from inside the ring to the outside onto a ladder bridge and that homeboy just snaps in half. He goes into it like he’s sitting in a bucket. It’s gnarly.

Real quick though, does it bother anyone else that when The Shield broke up Dean Ambrose was the clear singles star, but a little under a year later he’s curtain jerking in a prop scramble while Rollins and Reigns main-event WrestleMania with Brock f*cking Lesnar?

– THAT FINISH. I can’t say it’s the best finish of the night because it’s immediately usurped forever by match two, but it’s still a great finish. Daniel Bryan and his precious baby neck are on the top of a ladder mid-ring with Dolph Ziggler and they start HEADBUTTING THE MESS out of each other. Headsets are an underutilized form of attack in WWE right now and I think someone got the memo, because they’re used really effectively in a lot of the matches. Rusev had a flying headbutt (suck it, Bull Dempsey), Paige is always headbutting folks, Roman Reigns did headbutts to Brock Lesnar’s wounds, etc.

But yeah, Dolph and Bryan headbutt each other until one of them falls. That’s great. Even if one of them has a neck made out of taped-together toilet paper rolls and should really be careful.

Worst: FFS Ricky Steamboat

“As the Macho Man would say, WHOA YEAH!”

God dammit Ricky Steamboat you were friends with the Macho Man and wrestled him 3,000 times, how do you know less about him than my aunt? DANIEL BRYAN I’M SO PROUD OF YOU, AND AS MY GOOD FRIEND RIC FLAIR WOULD SAY, “WOW!”

(As an aside, they are going all-out trying to convince us that the Intercontinental Championship is going to be important again. They had Pat Patterson out there, then had the winner hanging out with every notable IC champion ever. Bret Hart, Ricky Steamboat, Rowdy Roddy Piper, even legendary 2005 Intercontinental Champion Old Man Ric Flair. If this is the start of something important it’s as good as any, but I’m gonna wait a few weeks and see how many non-title matches Bryan loses.)

As The Rock would say, “if you smell my cookin’!”

Best: A Vacation From These Dew-Doing Chucklef*cks

I can’t recommend the WWE live experience more, because it allows you to watch WWE performers without these impossible creeps. I’m happy to have experienced four consecutive WrestleManias without them, and I’m excited for three months from now when I decide to watch it on the Network and get mad at JBL and Cole arguing about Tom Bombadil instead of calling the match.

Best: The Return Of The Legend Killer

First of all, Randy Orton deciding to wrestle as Legend Killer Randy Orton is one of the most unexpected but welcomed changes on the night. I think this looks a lot better. For a while now he’s been this lanky, serpentine beige dude in tiny hip-hugger panties. Here he looks like a damn wrestler, with pads (!!) and red, full-sized trunks. Keep this! It’ll help me compare you to Sandy from the Magus Sisters less often. You look less like one of Bayley’s tube men.

Second of all, my actual favorite thing about this WrestleMania (besides the tank, which we’ll get to) is how specifically it was booked throughout. Every match had a purpose, and was performed in a particular style. The pre-show had a fast-paced scramble and a story-driven battle royal. They opened with a chaotic ladder match full of super workers, then went into Orton/Rollins, which was basically the wrestling equivalent of a game of chess. If you think about it, no two things on the show really felt the same. It was like you were seeing a Best Of sampler, which is ABSOLUTELY what WrestleMania should be. It’s why they did Okada/Tanahashi again at Wrestle Kingdom … they knew it was the show people were watching via GFW, so hey, might as well run the thing we know is great 100% of the time.

But yeah, chess. The story is that Orton and Rollins are similar athletes. They’re opportunists. They wait for you to make a mistake and pounce on you. When they’re up against each other they can’t really do that, so they end up going through these long move-reversal sequences and storytelling moments that say “we did our homework.” Orton countering the Curb Stomp into a powerslam is the perfect example. He’s not just doing a move to counter a move, it WORKS. Rollins performs the move by jumping into a bent-over opponent with his leg up. All Orton has to do is pivot, catch him under the leg and throw him over. It’s physically compatible, as the best wrestling counters are.

That’s Orton’s look when he doesn’t get the pin with the RKO. It’s not an Undertaker “gasp how did he kick out of the Tombstone” deal. Orton just thought he’d pulled a checkmate, only to find out he hadn’t. It was that healthy kind of confusion. I dug it a lot.

And also, obviously, the best f*cking RKO of all time occurred!

Best: The Best F*cking RKO Of All Time

Unreal. I almost fell down a flight of steps when this happened. It’s the first time I’ve yelled ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME at a WWE show in the good way and meant it in forever.

It’s the ultimate chess move, too. Orton figured out that he could counter that shit by just standing up. How brilliant is that? It not only plays on a very obvious condition of the move, it opens up counters from here on out. He’s jumping and standing on your head for a second before pushing down, so if you time it right and stand up, he’s just gonna fly off into space. It’s all about that floating moment of hesitation in the center of the move. I couldn’t love this more.

Best: The Dumbest, Most Wonderful Match Ever

Instead of analyzing this, I’m going to tell you what happened.

Sting, a teleporting Ceiling Mime in possession of the Murder of Crows vigor, is making his WWE debut after a 30-year career that includes absolutely not wrestling since 2001. None! He’s going up against Chris Hardwick’s ex-girlfriend Triple H. The story is that Sting’s standing up for the legacy of WCW, but only because Triple H says so? I don’t know. Sting wants to beat Triple H up because he’s a boss character and Triple H is obsessed with that one time he and his pals drove a jeep to Nitro.

Anyway, Sting enters first, accompanied by an ASIAN BAND OF DRUMS AND GONGS even though he is a white dude from Nebraska. Also he’s a crow? I guess if you’d had Stone Temple Pilots play him out to the ring it would’ve been too on-the-nose. Triple H then enters via a commercial for Terminator Genisys. It’s either best thing you’ve ever seen or the worst, depending on your mood. Triple H is accompanied to the ring by robots, then debuts a robotic exoskeleton, then they all start to fly and create steam, and then Arnold Schwarzenegger shows up with robot eyes and then Triple H has killed the Terminators and has their skulls. It’s so much. IT’S SO MUCH. And the match hasn’t even started! Sting’s reaction to the entrance is basically the greatest.

The first part of the match is basically a heel vs. face match at any local rural indie. The babyface does some armdrags or whatever and the heel powders. It’s basic as hell until Sting puts on the Scorpion Death Lock, which summons D-GENERATION X. Billy Gunn, Road Dogg and X-Pac run out and interfere to give Triple H the advantage, but before he can win he accidentally summons the NWO, and we’ve got a full-on WCW vs. WWE battle with the actual relevant top stars 14 f*cking years too late. So now it’s this big flea market grandpa fight, with the nWo taking so long to walk to the ring that D-X has to run out and meet them halfway. Oh, and then at some point Shawn Michaels shows up and interferes on Triple H’s behalf because he’s D-X 4 Life, but too good to enter alongside the f*cking Road Dogg.

So now that we’re officially living in the 1990s, a bat vs. sledgehammer battle begins. Now, you know how that should end, right? A bat is more or less a sledgehammer without the hammer part. It’s a handle. Somehow Sting’s bat has become a HATTORI HANZO SWORD and can CUT OTHER THINGS MADE OF WOOD, and a bat hitting a sledgehammer handle CUTS IT IN HALF CLEAN.


After all this absurd nonsense has happened, Sting goes for a Stinger Splash and gets hit with 1/2 sledgehammer and loses, giving him an all-time WWE record of 0-1. THE ICON!

The match ends and there are like 15 60-year olds in the ring staring at each other awkwardly, and Triple H, the goddamn heel, asks for and GETS a respect handshake. It doesn’t make any sense. Also not making any sense: why the nWo would help Sting at all, because the new WWE version of the WCW story is that Sting went down with the ship as the nWo destroyed the company. You’ll read this talking point a lot. What people don’t remember is that WCW went on for like four years after the Sting/nWo story was a thing, and that everybody broke up and formed new groups and Sting was in the f*cking nWo. Them all being Old Man Buddies is not only WWE policy, but hell, it’s not any weirder than this mongoloid version of D-X.

Five stars. I’d give the match five stars.

This was the “end of an era” the Triple H/Undertaker Hell in a Cell advertised itself as. I hope now we can look back on the Monday Night Wars for what they were: a masturbatory exercise in spot-holding featuring a bunch of guys who would barely wrestle acting dumb while you’d rather see cruiserweights.

Worst: THIS IS WRESTLING clap clap clapclapclap

You know what a show that featured ‘Rise’ by David Guetta featuring Skylar Grey playing nonstop between every match and as the bumper for every graphic or video package? A live performance of ‘Rise’ by David Guetta featuring Skylar Grey.

WrestleMania songs are the worst, but apparently they’re a necessity. You need something to forever identify with your Mania experience. I can’t hear ‘Hey Yo’ by the Red Hot Chili Peppers without instantly transporting back to WrestleMania 24, for better or worse. There’s nothing that triggers wrestling fans to sing more than yelling OH! WRITTEN IN THE STARS! See, you’re singing it in your head right now.

In 10 years we will fondly laugh at YOU CAN TAKE A SWING AT MY EGO, or, worst case scenario, we’ll chant it as we’re being lowered living into our graves.

Worst: WWE Network Commercials On WWE Network

WWE’s bringing back the Divas Search like they don’t already have 30 they can’t find.

I don’t see “the rest of the Nitro episodes” anywhere on that graphic.

Worst: Hashtag Hurry Up We’ve Got A Talking Segment Coming Up

Don’t get me wrong, the match isn’t bad. It’s a perfectly fine little match. The problem is that it’s 6 1/2 minutes long on a 4-hour show, which is especially evident when it is bundled near a musical performance and followed a little later by 15 minutes of people standing around talking.

It’s nothing special, which is the worst thing to be on a show like this. This could’ve easily been a match on Raw. You … you know there’s a guy entering on a tank coming up, right? And a guy who commands an army of evil scarecrows. I’m gonna need a little more here.

Worst: Pofo

In my head, Hulk Hogan’s to blame for this. Like, as one final f*ck-you to the Macho Man he snuck over to a production guy and was like, “Poffo’s only spelled with one F, brother.” Also in my head, Hogan tried to convince Lanny to walk out in a Hulkamania t-shirt.


If you missed the show for some reason and haven’t seen this entrance, go watch it immediately. If you’ve seen it, go watch it again, it holds up. Without hyperbole, this might be the greatest WrestleMania entrance ever. It might be the best RING ENTRANCE ever. Anywhere.

Like, I don’t want to overstate it, but Rusev is RIDING A TANK TO THE RING. Cena’s response is a Ronald Reagan-narrated video package about how America is the only place in the world where people are decent and heroes exist, because of course it is. Meanwhile, this Bulgarian motherf*cker is waltzing in like a Dictator God. Tank vs. stock footage, who ya got?

Best: The Match

There are two things you need to know:

1. It was inevitable. This is the end of Rusev. Not as a performer, of course, but the end of Rusev’s story. He was always meant to hate America until John Cena put him in his place. That’s the story. That’s why he’s here. At some point you just get to the end of the story.

2. The good news is that the match was very good, and Rusev is the real deal. Cena decided to break out springboard stunners tonight, turning Cena vs. Rusev into the weirdest, grandest version of Jay Lethal vs. Samoa Joe ever.

No, really, that happened. John Cena occasionally decides he’s gonna be this dope indie worker and it cracks me up.


This is the most I’ve enjoyed the Rock in a long time.

If you haven’t seen Ronda Rousey judoka’ing the shit out of Triple H and killing Stephanie McMahon by the armpit, go watch it. There’s a funny thing that happens that I loved, and I think I’ve finally put my finger on it.

Before Ronda gets into the ring, The Rock is The Rock. When Ronda gets in, he becomes Enzo Amore and she becomes Big Cass. Rock’s just there as the hype man, to bounce around and make funny jokes and point out when somebody’s about to get their ass kicked. Ronda’s job is to say a few lines and throw people to death. It’s a magical damn pairing, and this is coming from a guy who responds to most Rock segments with wanking-motion-dot-gif.

The other thing I liked about it is that there’s no guarantee Rousey will ever actually wrestle in a WWE ring, so they let her beat up the authority figures. That works. They didn’t like, have her shove Heath Slater into a wall or punch AJ Lee in the face. Although I do love that Sting couldn’t beat Triple H with a sharp baseball bat and the combined forces of the nWo, but this lady instantly dispatches him.

Now I kinda want to see Ronda vs. Sting with all the appropriate dumb run-ins.

Best/Worst: 22-1

Watching this live, I couldn’t figure out whether I liked it or not. I have that problem with Undertaker WrestleMania matches sometimes.

What I settled on is that it’s the safest, most basic Undertaker match there is. He does the leg drop on the apron and Old School really early just in case he’s gonna be blown up later. There are lots of spots revolving around him lying down. They do some finisher countering and that first Tombstone kick-out they always do now. Then it’s just another Tombstone and that’s it.

Now, that sounds like I’m dismissing it, but I’m not. It’s slow, but it’s not a bad match. Wyatt got to look … okay? It’s frustrating that he’s losing to another guy who doesn’t need it at WrestleMania instead of paving his own way, especially after carrying the feud on his back for two months. Bray Wyatt’s not a WrestleMania winner, I guess. He’s that guy who wins from TLC to Whatever February’s Called This Year so the guy he loses to at Mania seems accomplished. He’s a cagey, bayou Nikolai Volkoff.

There are little things I didn’t like about it, too. Undertaker matches should never happen in sunlight. That just seems weird. And “22-1” ruins the delightful cadence of “the one behind the one in 21 and one.” At the same time, though, this was the reestablishing of The Undertaker’s legacy. Last year was such a crazy fluke that this year was about getting him back, letting him look healthy and saying “hey everybody, it’s safe to enjoy Undertaker matches again.”


There’s something special that happens when two pro wrestlers decide to say f*ck it and hit each other for real.

In the span of like a week, this went from a lame duck WrestleMania main-event to one of the most exciting and unpredictable things they’ve ever done. Roman came ready to play, but 100% Healthy Brock Lesnar cannot be defeated by a single, mortal man. That’s the story of the match. Roman Reigns was just trying not to die.

I wanted to write a little bit about that, now that I’m thinking of it. Roman kicked out of three F-5s and I saw some complaints about it, which I understand. Taker didn’t even do that, and “Undertaker At WrestleMania” is supposed to be the strongest character there is. I liked it, though, because of the story it told. It didn’t seem like Roman was just kicking out of everything because he could. It wasn’t a Cena moment. The story has always been that Roman believes in himself and has that gutsy Samoan blood running through his veins, and he’s been told his entire life he can’t do things, so he MUST. So when he gets the shoulder up on the F-5 it reads like “more guts than brains” and a man whose body just will not allow him to quit. He’s not kicking out and reversing it and being crazy strong. He’s just surviving it, because he’s caught somewhere between stupid and brave.

I really, really loved his rush at the end, too. He hits Brock with a Superman Punch and busts him open. Brock starts staggering around the ring all punch drunk, and they cut to this amazing look on Roman’s face where the fact that Brock is wounded and might lose is so shocking even he can’t believe it. Roman took Brock to that impossible to get to place and they’re at the end, so he throws everything he’s got at him: nonstop spears and Superman Punches. They’re his two strongest moves. It’s not that he “doesn’t know how to wrestle,” it’s that he’s f*cking IN THERE and TRYING TO COME OUT ALIVE. He’s got his chance, and he’s gonna throw everything he’s got.

Of course, Brock is too much for him. And then the shit goes down.

Best: Take It Home, Seth

This asshole.

A few hours after losing to Randy Orton, Seth Rollins reemerges to join the main-event right at the end, when Brock is shockingly in the red and Roman’s been fighting on fumes for ages. It’s a brilliant move to join-in mid-match, because he knows what’s going to happen: if he challenges either of them one-on-one, there’ll be no other guy to join in and save him. It’s MASTERFUL. If he cashes in on Brock alone, Brock’s gonna get him. If he cashes in on Roman alone, Roman will get him. If he cashes in on them both, they’re dumb monsters he can run into one another.

That’s exactly what happens. Brock catches him in an F-5, but before he can follow through, Roman Reigns spears him. So Rollins is left there in the ring with a stunned Lesnar and Roman hunched over, trying to breath and pump his blood and live. It’s the one moment he’s got, and he takes it. Rollins Curb Stomps him to become the first WWE World Heavyweight Champion younger than WrestleMania.

And God, there’s so much you can do now. Rollins and Reigns have a deep history, and Rollins neutered him moments before he was (maybe) about to defeat the most overpowered guy in wrestling. Rollins and Lesnar have history, too, and Lesnar is gonna be especially sore because he lost, but didn’t “lose.” They managed to find a way to take the belt off Brock without compromising Brock in any way. Orton beat Rollins earlier, so of course he wants a shot. Then there’s EVERYBODY ELSE EVER.

This is so good. WrestleMania 31 was SO GOOD. It feels great to be positive about the show again. Tomorrow night should be crazy. Let’s hope they keep this going and have a plan for the Raw AFTER the Raw after Mania.

Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night

Big Baby Yeezus

Rusev failed America


I want Hogan to thank everyone for joining them at Candlestick!

Breaking Hurd

(Heyman sprints down the ramp):



Undertaker walks out into the bleak mid-evening inside a stadium named after a jeans company


The Eater Of Worlds vs The Consumer of Just For Men.

Bill B

“Suplex City, bitch!”
“I’m from Winnipeg, you idiot!”


Take me down to the Suplex City! Where the Reigns is green but he sure is pretty. Bork, won’t you please take me home!!

The Lex

Sting comforts Roman after the match:

“It can’t reign all the time”


Just when I thought WWE couldn’t be any dumber for having Reigns win the Royal Rumble, they go and put on a Wrestlemania like this…AND TOTALLY REDEEM THEMSELVES!


This may be the only time in my life that I can say for certain that I have a bigger penis than the Pro Wrestling Heavyweight Champion of the World.

Thanks, everybody. Let’s enjoy pro wrestling!