The Five Most Outrageous ‘Total Bellas’ Moments Of The Week

Previously on Total Bellas, JJ was a garbage dump of human and got separated from his wife, Daniel Bryan was a jerk and wanted to keep Brie from doing a maternity photo shoot, and Brie was a jerk to John Cena because he didn’t have free time to move to Phoenix and help with her pregnancy. I’m sure people will be jerks less this time around!

And now, the five most ridiculous, bizarre, and baffling moments of the season two premiere of Total Bellas.

JJ is the worst, Part 2

This week, JJ and Lauren are still separated, and JJ takes the next step in any trial separation: moving into Nikki Bella’s villa with her, and instructing her not to tell anyone else about the separation, especially their mom and Brie. We later learn this isn’t because they can’t keep a secret; it’s because he knows they won’t take HIS side, because they’re JERKS.

Later, when the Bella family (sans Lauren and baby) all take a much-needed(?) vacation in Lake Tahoe, the truth finally comes out, and JJ is adamant that he doesn’t want to stay together just because they have a baby, because that’s what their parents did, and it sucked. He also believes that time apart and no therapy will really help.

That’s as may be, but late in the episode, the whole family comes over to Nikki’s villa, and Lauren is acting like nothing is amiss, because of COURSE JJ hasn’t told her that everyone in the room is now fully aware that they’re separated. Great job, JJ. You’re abysmal.

(JJ also gets negative points for advocating staunchly in favor of the flat brim while talking to John Cena.)

Villa room service

Speaking of Nikki’s ridiculous Arizona villa, it’s even more ridiculous than we thought last week, because it isn’t just some rented, extravagant mansion; it’s in some sort of villa/resort complex, where you can just order room service for all your meals. As Hemingway and Fitzgerald once observed, the rich are different from you and me; they have more money.

A visit to the landfield

Eco warrior Daniel Bryan wants his baby to wear cloth diapers, but Brie is opposed, because they’re a real pain the ass and also very impractical in this day and age. To change her mind, Bryan takes her on a little field trip to a landfill so they can sort through garbage for a few hours, because that’s his idea of a good time. The highlight here, though, is that Brie and Nikki’s mispronunciations are now such an ingrained part of the show that even producers are freely dunking on them during the talking head interview segments.

And yes, Brie’s mind does get changed after their trip to the landfield. The system works!

Cheaters

The most eye-rolling part of the episode comes while JJ is still trying to keep his living at Nikki’s house a secret. Much like the infamous Lana shot put segment, the setup for this is so hackneyed that if it were a pig, Kid Rock would be able to smell it from a mile away. Nikki is showing off her villa to her mother on FaceTime, and during her smartphone tour of the property, JJ breezes by in a towel like he’s Bigfoot or something. Nikki’s mother asks who that was, and Nikki tries to shrug it off, which immediately makes her mom think she’s having an affair with a member of the production crew.

You did it, everyone! You had your first overt setup storyline of the year! Round of applause to all involved.

Man contractions

Early on in this episode, Brie gets upset at Bryan for taking up all of their time with the OBGYN by asking a million questions, when he should just sit back and let Brie, the actually pregnant one, ask some questions, sheesh. (Also, her and Bryan are trying to think of “B” names for their baby, and Bryan calls her in Tahoe to suggest “Branch.” That rules.)

Nikki suggests they do something to let Bryan feel the pain of pregnancy, since he wants to be the pregnant one so much. They order a guy who will come and simulate contractions, and JJ tries it out first. He freaks out by the time the machine gets up to level three (out of 10), but tries his best to tough it out.

Bryan, of course, obviously, remains cool and collected, closing his eyes and focusing on his breathing without a peep all the way up through level eight. Brie discovers newfound respect for Bryan and hopes she can tough it out half as well as he did. Nikki has a better solution for all of this, though.

We’ll see you next week, when there will hopefully be significantly less of JJ.