Last week, we learned from the debut episode of E!’s Total Divas that the WWE has several very unique young women on its roster, and each of them brings something different to the viewing experience. Of course, none of them is more important than Nikki and Brie Bella, because the Bella Twins are the most important thing to ever happen to the WWE and the world in general. You should never, ever forget how lucky we are to be living at the same time as the Bella Twins.
But while the first episode of the already popular Total Divas – which airs on Sundays at 10 PM ET following Lobotomizing Yourself with the Kardashians – gave us glimpses into the personal lives of each woman and showed us what we can expect to see from each of them on this series, last night’s second episode just said, “F*ck it” and showed us who really matters.
Basically, each of the WWE Divas that expects to have a strong career based on her TV time on Total Divas, please step forward. Haha, not so fast, Nattie!
Poor, Poor Nattie
I’d love to say that Total Divas built on Nattie’s frustrations of being pushed to the back burner by the WWE’s Divas creative team by showing her busting her ass more than ever and working on her flaws, but they didn’t. In fact, they might as well just start spelling her name wrong in the credits.
Nattie had about three total minutes of screen time in episode 2, and that included her being smart enough to sit next to Fandango (above) and showing Eva Marie and JoJo where the food was at Raw. That’s Nattie’s role at this point – making sure the kids are fed before they go play.
Poor Nattie.
JoJo Is The Sassy Black Robin To Eva Marie’s Slutty Batman
I think I feel worse for JoJo than I do Nattie. At least Nattie had some time in the first episode to explain who she is and why she’s so desperate to prove her worth as a wrestler. All I know about JoJo is that her name is JoJo. She’s basically Eva Marie’s sidekick at this point, and that includes her judging Eva Marie’s boyfriend, Jonathan, when he surprises her at the hotel and then pulling off a very awkward sneak attack on Fandango (above) when Eva Marie decides that she wants to sex her way into the role of Fandango’s valet.
JoJo is very cute and seems to have a decent personality, so I’d like to see her, I don’t know, maybe wrestle or perform in some capacity other than saying things like, “Oh hell no.”
Trinity And Ariane Do Not See Eye-To-Eye With Anyone, Including Each Other
The Funkadactyls, Trinity and Ariane, are getting plenty of face time, but that doesn’t mean their stories are great. Basically, Ariane believes that the WWE’s seamstress, Sandra, is to blame for them being cut from Wrestlemania, which is stupid because it’s just stupid. But that doesn’t stop Ariane from visiting a designer in Hollywood who can hook her up with some “sexy gear,” and she takes Vincent and his eyebrows with her in case he wants to fight someone.
I think it’s awful the way that Ariane treats Sandra, and I commend the seamstress for standing up for herself and telling them that she won’t fix their clothes anymore. Especially because Ariane said, “The bomb dot com” twice in this episode, and that’s twice too many for me to ever like a person. Please stop saying, “The bomb dot com.” Please.
The problem with the new costumes is that Ariane didn’t clear them with Trinity, so when they try them on, something happens with Trinity’s booty. I don’t know what it was, because I just kept staring at her booty.
Also, the new outfits make them look like slutty Green Goblins, and E! had to blur Trinity’s crotch because her vagina was basically falling out.
(GIFs via here and here, Sandra via)
Eva Marie Is Off To A Really Bad Start
Okay, here’s where the whole episode recap actually kicks in, because this has gone from a show about seven women trying to legitimize their division in the WWE while struggling with interesting personal lives to being about Eva Marie trying to shortcut her way to the top and how that pisses off the Bella Twins, who would like to focus more on burning Daniel Bryan’s family home to the ground.
Eva Marie knew from the start she could be Fandango’s fulltime valet and that’s convenient because he’s on this episode. From the moment he shows up in the backstage area to call the company’s female employees “babe” and “sweetie,” Fandango seems to have a connection with Eva Marie. It’s probably because she’s doing everything short of spreading her legs and shouting, “Pick me!” while he’s making Family Guy’s Quagmire look like a eunuch.
Fandango also tells Eva Marie that he’s going to take a shower and that he’ll think about her while he’s in there, because these are the things that you say to your female co-worker in 2013 on a TV show. Thank God the WWE can always hide behind the fact that it’s “entertainment,” because Gloria Allred must look like a dog with rabies watching this show.
In trying to win the role of Fandango’s valet, Eva Marie not only sells herself to the WWE Superstar and us as a woman willing to do anything to get what she wants, but she also lies to management about her dancing background. Basically, she told them that she has extensive training in ballroom dancing and ballet, when she actually doesn’t. For some reason, this seems like a good idea to her even though she will have to dance on live TV at some point.
Meanwhile, in a scene that wasn’t aired, Eva Marie apparently Tweeted that she wanted to be John Cena’s tag team partner, and this pisses off Nikki Bella, because that is her man and nobody’s going to dip into his wallet except her, and if Eva Marie tries, she will have to face the “lioness.” Meanwhile, Cena hilariously and predictably admires Eva Marie’s “boldness” and ability to attract attention to herself.
The funny thing about Eva Marie coming off as a complete slut and/or seductress is that she has a very serious boyfriend named Jonathan, who shows up at her hotel room to surprise her with a box of donuts from the place that they had their first date at. Of course, he reveals to her how much she means to him and he proposes to her over those same donuts. JoJo can’t believe that he’s proposing because, you know, she’s been trying to wrap her legs around Fandango’s face, and we can’t believe it either, because they’ve only been dating for two-and-a-half months. This marriage will certainly go the distance.
After Jonathan leaves, Eva Marie takes her engagement ring off, because (she claims) she can’t wear it on TV, but it’s more than likely because she “will do anything” to convince Fandango to select her. All the while, I can’t help but wonder who the hell else he’s going to pick. Does he get a catalog of strippers or models that he can choose from each week? Obviously he’s going to pick the smoking hot new girl with the cartoon hair.
This is about selling each move, though, so Fandango and Eva Marie go out to dinner to seal the deal, and they dressed like they were in a fancy 90s porn movie. Look, I like Fandango. Maybe not as much as the next guy, but I like him. But holy hell, he comes off as the world’s biggest douchebag on this show, and yet it’s still not the most offensive thing about it, because Eva Marie is just selling herself as a slut the whole time until she ends up at the club with Fandango and realizes that he probably wants to get laid. I’d love to be in the room with Eva Marie and Jonathan when he finally watches this episode.
Eventually, Eva Marie has to dance in rehearsal and everybody realizes she’s full of shit. This part amazed me, because not only did she have the time to actually practice some basic moves by watching clips of Fandango’s entrances and not do it, but she was also lying while knowing that the other girls were dancers. Now that she’s busted, Eva Marie is forced to deal with Stephanie McMahon’s wrath, and I’m pretty sure she could make me cry.
Not shocking: They didn’t fire the incredibly attractive girl who can’t wrestle or dance and is a filthy liar. This is a great lesson to the young girls of America.
This Is Still All About The Bella Twins
Nikki and Brie Bella don’t plan on being professional wrestlers for a long time, so they’re constantly looking forward at the more important things in life, like marrying their much more successful WWE superstar boyfriends. Obviously, we know that Nikki and John Cena have agreed to take everything one day at a time, because Cena just got divorced and isn’t stupid enough to go through that again anytime soon.
Hey, want to know what happens to a wrestler when he gets divorced? His house becomes empty.
Or maybe it’s not empty as much as it’s just really, really white. Either way, let’s talk about that house, shall we?
It’s not completely empty, as it still has his very expensive cars.
And the ridiculous pool.
And a closet that is larger than my own home. Also, his closet has an elevator, because why wouldn’t it? Oh, and the guest house is larger than my neighborhood.
Alas, that’s what you should expect from the “luxury life” of Tampa, Florida, as the Bella Twins boasted of before drinking Cristal in a pool on a random afternoon.
In defense of the Bellas, though, they do explain that they’re nothing like the bitches that they portray in the ring. They’re actually “super sweet,” according to Nikki, so go ahead and keep that in mind while you watch them treat their co-workers like scum and complain about the town of Aberdeen, Washington like it’s Satan’s grundle.
Anyway, Nikki and John invite Brie and Bryan to come stay with them in Tampa for a weekend because she wants them “to be able to experience the nice things that she gets to experience.” I feel kind of bad for Bryan when he visits John’s house, especially since this show is making him look like a poor schmuck. I really admire and respect Bryan for the fact that he has a small home that he grew up in and that’s where he wants to raise his own kids. That’s poetic.
Too bad Brie and Nikki think it’s pretty lame. Next, they spend a few days at Bryan’s home in Aberdeen, Washington where they chop wood. Bryan does not own a TV and that’s strange to John, and Nikki is not digging that Brie is going to live in this tiny home. Nikki wants Brie to have a huge mansion like she’s going to eventually get from John. Meanwhile, John thinks the house is too small, and this is turning into the strangest feud in WWE history.
I don’t even know how to describe the wood-chopping scene. Everyone takes their shirts off, because I don’t know. My head hurts.
Also, if I had to set odds, I’d say a Nikki/Cena sex tape being released in the next three years is at a solid 5-1 right now.
In the end, Brie is uncertain about her future with Bryan because he lives in shitty, rainy Washington with no sunshine and she can’t make any changes to his family home that he grew up in and wants to live in forever. Nikki seriously tells Brie that she wants Bryan to tear down his family’s home.
But other than that, she’s super sweet, y’all.
On The Next Episode: People yell at each other or something and JoJo gets a concussion, but I’m just waiting to watch the Bella Twins get fall-down-drunk.
