This week’s episode of Total Divas was really straight-forward and easy to watch, at least in terms of storytelling and moving from one plot to another. However, everything else about it was wretched diaper filling. I know, I complain about this show all the time, but typically when I do it, I’m just playfully mad about the bad storytelling, inattention to details, terrible behavior of these characters, and the lack of actual substance that allows us to explore the lives of these Divas and find reasons to respect them. This week’s episode, “All Hail Brie Mode,” took the inattention to detail to such a new level, because I’m really hard to offend, and this one was very insulting to the ideas that it was lazily trying to present.
That said, let’s get the easy part out of the way before we get into the reasons that this episode might have been one of the worst ideas that both E! and the WWE could have conceived.
Pre-Episode Total Divas Power Rankings
1) Paige – She’s the best. Or at least they haven’t ruined her yet.
2) Brie Bella – She’s way better than Nikki Bella… most of the time.
3) Alicia Fox – She really serves no purpose on this show, other than to hate Cameron, which is understandable but also boring.
4) Eva Marie – Her status is only elevated by her lack of presence in the last episode. But that also means more Eva Marie-heavy (no pun intended, since she thinks she’s so fat) episodes are coming.
5) Cameron – Still waiting on the music video premiere episode to break my brain. Maybe it won’t happen, but I honestly want to see them have a special event for it, so Ray J can come back.
6) Nikki Bella – Can we talk about how much I can’t stand the “Queen B coming through” line in the promos? Because I can’t stand it.
7) Rosa Mendes – She has big fake boobs and flirts with both men and women. Amazing how a bad personality can ruin things I love so much.
8) Nattie – The worst.
Alicia Fox is such a prankster, you guys
Every episode begins with something lighthearted that has so little to do with the rest of the episode. Usually, it’s something playful and funny, allowing us to see the Divas’ good personalities before someone pushes the flusher and everything spins down the drain. This time, Alicia Fox hid under a table and “scared” people like Titus O’Neil and the WWE creative guy who handles the Divas. I think his name is Mario. Or Measle. Or Megatron. Something with an M.
Naturally, one person didn’t appreciate Foxy’s prank. Can you guess who it was? That’s right, it was Nattie! Oh Nattie, don’t ever stop being the harbinger of death for all things remotely fun. Fortunately, Rosa Mendes also reminded us that she has big fake boobs, in case you missed the network memo.
THE ANVIL IS HERE!
And Jim Neidhart was not looking so hot. Nattie has been really worried about her dad’s health as he battles addiction, even though she has barely mentioned it on this series until this week. At one point, we learned that he went to the emergency room and “almost died,” so that caused Nattie to put her nonsense with Tyson Kidd on hold so she could make that crying face and focus on family. Of course, there wouldn’t be nonsense to put on hold if she didn’t start fights with her husband at every turn, but I’m going to be serious about Nattie for once and try to set aside the fact that she presents herself in such a horrible way that it’s detrimental to both her career and the entire Divas division.
The stuff with Jim was really hard to watch in this episode, because the way that it was presented made it look like the Anvil is a guy who is stuck in the past and can’t progress beyond his memories of playing football and being a WWF Superstar. But it was so much harder to watch Nattie trying to stage a small intervention for addiction because of what surrounded it in this episode. The two main plots of this episode dealt with 1) a WWE legend’s inability to come to terms with the health implications surrounding his battles with addiction and 2) the celebration of binge drinking. And guess which one didn’t get crammed into the final minutes of the episode – that’s right, the pretty girls partying in London took top bill over the Anvil agreeing to go into rehab.
Now, because I hate being so serious, let’s make fun of the fact that an entire room of adults was waiting to get Nattie’s autograph. I assume it’s because they were cold and were promised a free meal. That’s the only way that makes any sense.
Paige wants to know what the big deal is with ‘Brie Mode’
Here’s what Brie Bella says of her catchphrase: “Brie Mode is about a couple of tequilas and skinny margaritas.”
Here’s how Nikki Bella describes the so-called “legend” status: “Brie Mode is infamous, the world wants to see it and know what it is.”
This is what Brie Mode actually is: Binge drinking and acting like an A-hole.
I’m not a prude. Like a lot of people, I had my party bro phase, so I’m no stranger to drinking until my stomach says, “Nah, dude.” What is so stupid about Brie Mode to me is a grown woman acting like drinking is a talent – or like she’s any different than a sorority girl at an SEC tailgate – and the WWE using the phrase in merchandising by making it seem like it’s something different. Big deal, companies re-appropriate things all the time, right? Sure, but they don’t re-re-appropriate them by producing entire episodes about the original meaning. The WWE is so f*cking ass-backwards with this Brie Mode stupidity, and I feel like I’m the only one who realizes this.
The Bella Twins got to present at the MTV Europe Music Video Awards with David Hasselhoff, who talked about how they “need protection” from him, because he wants to have a threeway with them. He said this in front of his daughter. But since they were touring in Paige’s “house,” she decided to “force” Brie to drink with her, which wasn’t cool with Nikki, who CARES ABOUT THE BELLA BRAND. Hey, quick question: Do you know who else forced Brie to drink with her for the sake of going Brie Mode, even though Brie wanted to quit drinking? That’s right, it was Nikki on this very same show. Funny how they think no one is paying attention. (At least Cesaro completely agrees with me.)
The results of Paige’s trickery included Paige shouting, “BRIE MODE!” the whole night until she eventually left a very drunk Brie alone by the hotel elevator. That led to the suddenly mature and responsible Nikki having to step in and lay down some righteous authority by doing… nothing. She gave her some crap, and then commended Brie for being able to wrestle hungover. This whole f*cking show needs to be in rehab.
Okay, Brie Mode isn’t all terrible
Brie puked on Nikki’s big fake breasts, and I readily admit that it was the best moment of this entire series.
The worst thing on television is a conversation between Alicia and Rosa
Alicia had a week off before she had to meet up with the company in London, and I assume that was so she could take a pointless trip to Las Vegas with Rosa, who wanted to help her friend meet new men. Instead, they fought and screamed at each other. Well, first they screamed together about going to Vegas, even though that’s where Rosa lives. Does Rosa scream any time she gets to go home? Maybe a restaurant she loves? The mall? Or is she just stoked that she still has a friend? I hope it’s not that last part, because Foxy hated her in this episode, too. They made up in record time, though, so that Alicia could focus on her new role on this series…
Alicia Fox is here to tell us why dating within the WWE is… BAD NEWS
Wade Barrett makes Alicia sick to her stomach because he broke up with her after two years of dating, and she totally thought he was “The One,” which is a phrase that Tracy Jordan made up after watching The Matrix. A European tour is the perfect place to ask the guy you haven’t seen in months why he broke up with you. So why did Bad News deliver the Bad News to his boo? Wade didn’t seem himself spending the rest of his life with Alicia, so he made the “difficult decision” of breaking up with her. Men are the devil, am I right?
She called that “a start.” Seems like “the end” to me, but credit to Wade for putting up with this and being an adult about it all. At least they did the thing that this show does every damn episode and made things all better at the end with a hug and a smile.
Post-Episode Total Divas Power Rankings
1) Eva Marie – Nowhere to be found this week, which helps her… for now.
2) Nikki Bella – Yes, she talked about the “Bella brand” again, and she’s also a massive hypocrite. But watching her get puked on was awesome.
3) Cameron – She twerked on a fence in England, and that was somehow not the worst thing that happened in this episode.
4) Alicia Fox – Just when I thought she couldn’t be more pointless on this show, she brings in her relationship problems. How dare she make me roll my eyes at Bad News Barrett.
5) Rosa Mendes – The Rosa/Alicia plot was so bad this week. Just plain dumb. Also, she’s a recovering addict and yet she still calls Vegas her home. That sounds… dumber.
6) Brie Bella – She’s the victim of peer pressure or something. *licks salt, takes shot, dismissive wank*
7) Nattie – I won’t fall for the family health drama manipulation, but I respect the Anvil enough to take his daughter out of the cellar for one week.
8) Paige – She’s so much better than the stupid party girl episode, especially since (as always) the bars they “partied” at were completely empty. But even as I want her to be Loki, she’s better than this Brie Mode nonsense.