‘Total Divas’ Episode Recap: Daniel Bryan’s Pulling Out Of What Now?

Before we begin recapping this week’s hour of the worst scripted “reality” series on television, I wanted to let E! and WWE know that I’m on to them. During last night’s red carpet show for the Grammys, E! aired the midseason teaser commercial for Total Divas. Because if you want to spike the ratings on your show about women acting like maniacs, you pander to people who actually like watching Ryan Seacrest stick his nose between celebrity cheeks. The commercial is about a month old, but in case you haven’t seen it, here it is:

Obviously, that tells you nothing about the series, other than these women think very highly of themselves and Rosa Mendes apparently chalks her behavior up to being the “flirty” one. You guys are going to think I’m crazy, but I swear that in last night’s version of the teaser, Nattie winked three more times, as if they were saying, “Burnsy, we know you’re sitting at home watching this, and we’re punishing you with even more images of Nattie believing that she’s a rational and empowering human being.” It was like my own version of A Clockwork Orange.

Later, after the Grammys had started and I was already sick of Taylor Swift’s “look how normal and fun I am” and Ariana Grande’s “I’m pretending like I can’t believe I’m performing at the Grammys so people won’t think I’m a colossal diva” shtick, I changed channels to Total Divas and then back to the Grammys. Total Divas, then the Grammys again. Total Divas. Grammys. Again. Again. And I finally asked myself: Which show is filled with the more detestable and hilariously clueless narcissists? Somehow, that’s actually high praise for Total Divas.

Pre-Episode Total Divas Power Rankings

1) Paige – I tuned into SmackDown last week and caught her current angle with the Bella Twins. That’s going to make for awful reality TV. I hope it leads to Paige recording a body shaming PSA for pale women.

2) Alicia Fox – I still don’t know what her role on this series is. I don’t think she or WWE knows either.

3) Brie Bella – She hasn’t exactly been the most rational or even enjoyable Diva this season, but look at the rest of the pack. She’s a saint compared to the rest.

4) Cameron – Her music video release episode, which I assume is going to happen, is my Red Wedding.

5) Nikki Bella – I wonder if she’s upset that she acts so awful each week, and yet she’s still not even close to being the worst woman on this show.

6) Eva Marie – I give her credit for slowly climbing out of the cellar by trivializing her health for the sake of being the sympathetic figure.

7) Rosa Mendes – Almost everything I want to say about Rosa is too mean to type…

8) Nattie – … and yet I have no problem saying that week in and week out, Nattie is the worst person on TV. Funny how that works.

Nobody’s tuning in because they want to see John Cena’s penis

John Cena and Nikki Bella have sex a lot. Did you know that? They do. She likes to dress as a sexy nurse when he’s injured so she can treat him with a heavy dose of S-E-X, and when she’s ready to get serious about her training, he wears a wrestling singlet and a luchador mask. Sure, he’s trivializing her attempts to increase the quality and intensity of her training, but she can’t say no to her muscle man’s bulge. I’m just glad the camera only showed them walking inside to have sex, because we might have been treated to Cena’s boner.

It’s finally time for Brie and Nikki to settle things in the ring

This week’s terribly-titled episode, “Girl vs. Girl-Bye,” is everything that I’ve been waiting for, in terms of my sheer curiosity for this show’s writing. It took place right after Hell in a Call on October 26, which means that the difference between the series and reality is approximately three-and-a-half months (someone write that down so I’ll stop forgetting). With that in mind, let’s forget that the previous episode of Total Divas focused on something that happened over seven months ago, and let’s finally move forward with the angle of what happens when twin sisters who had just “feuded” in “real life” over relationship bullsh*t and start “feuding” in the ring. Fun fact: This is Jerry Lawler’s second-favorite type of sister-on-sister action.

No, Nattie, the struggle is not real

You guys, now that Tyson Kidd is back on the road, it’s really tough for Nattie to be in a storyline with him because of all the problems they’re going through with their marriage since they separated. In case you don’t remember, the separation went down like this: Nattie started a bunch of crap with her husband for no reason, and when he reacted to it with confusion and befuddlement because he’d done nothing to bring it on (except maybe failing to deliver on Nattie’s rape fantasies), Nattie demanded that they meet with divorce lawyers. Of course, that was only after she routinely tried to make him look like a bad guy, all while making herself look INSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANE.

Best moment of this week’s episode

Four people in the crowd chanted “Nattie’s husband!” while Tyson wrestled, and Nattie acted like the whole world was chanting. Maybe the reason that E! has Nattie winking so much in the commercials is because she’s trying to remind us that this is an incredible joke.

Second best moment of this week’s episode

Nattie’s old neighbor lady showed up to randomly tell her she’s sorry about things with Tyson. Nattie’s life is so hard, you guys, she can’t even get her house fumigated for whatever hellish infestation God has cast upon her realm without her nosy ass neighbors being like, “OMG did you hear about the pro wrestling couple next door? They’re not really getting divorced but they’re pretending like they are while pretending like everything’s okay. That Nattie is so brave.”

We’re not completely free of my favorite Diva, Naomi, yet either. Her and her husband, Jimmy Uso, showed up to play chauffeur for Nattie, whose life is so comically dumb that she ripped a page out of Elaine Benes’ and Frank Reynolds’ books by running into her home as it was being fumigated. I’m shocked that she didn’t spend the rest of the episode thinking she was dying, but it was even worse to seeing Naomi and Jimmy being reduced to supporting roles in Driving Miss Nattie.

The reason that I hate the reduction of Naomi’s role so much is because it takes Jimmy away from us, and him supposedly losing his shit over Nattie’s cat crapping on the floor of his apartment and her using his favorite blanket for a fort for the cat is why he’s the best. “I’m such a pain in the ass,” Nattie said with her awful fake crying face. Yes, Nattie. Yes you are.

Oh God, please stop it with the Cameron vs. Alicia Fox “feud”

Alicia Fox admitted that she doesn’t like Cameron because of the way she talks, and it’s hard to dispute that statement. I mean, prior to this revelation, Cameron said, “Chingle chingle” and I wanted to blow my brains out. Naturally, the solution to this was a very well-timed “all-girls bonding trip,” because this show doesn’t have nearly as many all-girl trips as it should, but when the trip is planned by Rosa, you can’t help but roll your eyes all the way into the back of your skull so you can hope to never see her showing her giant fake breasts to the camera again.

The funny thing about an “all-girl” trip, though, is that Cameron doesn’t know what that means, and she invited Vincent to tag along. I really want to play a voice of reason in recapping this childish feud between Foxy and Cameron, but Foxy listed Cameron’s voice and the fact that she always has to have Vinnie with her, because she can’t do anything on her own, as the reasons she doesn’t like her, and Foxy was making a ton of sense in this episode. Just as I started to question whether Foxy and I are being too hard on Cameron, she twerked. Then she tried to teach Rosa how to twerk. Then she screamed in a limo. Sadly, we all know how this will be resolved.

Things boiled over when Rosa, Cameron and Foxy went on a hiking trip and Foxy belittled Cameron’s in-ring skills while Cameron referred to her as the “grandma” of WWE. Cameron also introduced us to the new phrase “bitch-bye,” because everyone involved is a child. Cameron then called Foxy a “stank version of Rihanna,” which was just a great moment for WWE’s never-ending support of Black History Month. But you’re never going to guess what happened…

They talked, realized they’re both children and squashed their beef because that’s what this show does. It creates bullsh*t and vaporizes it for the convenience of filling 42 minutes of TV at a time.

This week’s free local restaurant exposure, courtesy of the hip and trendy Bella Twins, goes to…

Lucy’s Healthy Marketplace in beautiful Phoenix! But even more important than where Nikki and Brie like to spend their time believing that they’re so much smarter and better than everyone is…

Daniel Bryan pulls out!

I never thought we’d know the preferred method of contraception of one of the most beloved WWE personalities, but thanks to this week’s lesson in TMI, we now know that Brie doesn’t use birth control because of the chemicals that it puts into the body, and Daniel Bryan doesn’t use condoms because they’re married and married people simply pull out. There’s no better place for twin sisters to argue about pulling out and how it affects their careers as professional wrestling than LUCY’S HEALTHY MARKETPLACE IN PHOENIX!!!

At the time that this episode was filmed, WWE was pumping out more merchandise for the Bella Twins than any Divas before them, according to Nikki, who likes to just make things up as she goes along. Her problem with Brie accepting, ahem, external deposits is that she could get pregnant at any time and that would ruin the Bella brand. Dammit, Brie, why are you always so selfish when it comes to Nikki’s needs?

“It’s not just Brie Bella, it’s the Bella Twins,” Nikki shouted at Cena in her bikini, presumably after they had sex because those two love to have sex. Protected sex, of course.

What time is it? It’s intervention time!

Everything is about dollar signs to Nikki, so Brie getting pregnant, on purpose or by accident, would derail the Bella Brand (trademark pending), and Nikki won’t stand for that. Those “Brie Mode” shirts won’t sell if that phrase refers to maternity and not binge drinking. Nikki hosted an intervention for Daniel and Brie at yet another nice restaurant, and this is just three episodes removed from Nikki freaking the f*ck out over Brie meddling in her relationship with Cena. When in doubt, though, don’t take your problems to the person. Take them to the guy in charge of the Divas division (Merle? Meat? Measles? The Island of Mypos?) like Nikki did, when she inadvertently mentioned to him that one of the Bella Twins might get pregnant.

That introduced the question – is there room in the Divas division for only one Bella sister? Probably. But one word is nothing compared to milking it out over the final episodes of this season, which are guaranteed to be drama-packed, according to all of the fake crying faces in the post-episode teaser.

Post-Episode Total Divas Power Rankings

1) Paige – She has great personality and talent, and yet she’s reduced to making herpes jokes.

2) Eva Marie – This is just a place-holder because she wasn’t on this week’s episode and everyone else was awful.

3) Brie Bella – One episode. Just give me one episode where the Bella Twins don’t fight over something stupid for the sake of emphasizing their “brand.”

4) Alicia Fox – Yes, she dislikes Cameron for all of the same reasons I dislike Cameron, but by doing the stupid “OMG ALL BETTER!” ending that this show pushes each week, she made herself look stupid. She’s the elder Diva and a former champion. Wouldn’t it be great if Alicia took Cameron under her wing and taught her how to succeed and work toward being a better wrestler? Of course not. Let’s have them fight like sorority girls and then make up while Rosa scouts poolside man meat.

5) Cameron – She’s just impossible to take seriously.

6) Rosa Mendes – To her credit, she tried to play the voice of reason this week. To her discredit, she also talked about nothing but getting laid.

7) Nikki Bella – I hope she’s not all-in on the Bella brand. That road’s gonna run out of gravel eventually.

8) Nattie – I hope this show is going to try to spin Nattie as a sympathetic figure, like it did with Eva Marie, until she inevitably makes up with Tyson. That way I can say that I never cared from the beginning.